So I've *finally* figured out how to find out what is the blog homework for the... day? week??... certain amount of time it's assigned for. Whatever :P This homework poses the question: “How has SG changed your life?” This is actually a pretty solid question for me, as day by day, I see exactly how it's changed my life since my very first set went live for MR in the past month. I gotta say the obvious: My self-esteem drastically increased. Seriously. Now for some background; take a seat, enjoy an alcoholic beverage, and bring some snacks with you. You'll be reading to the end.
Now, growing up, I've had dysfunctional family issues; most people have those. My specific issue was my father-- a drunken, physically and emotionally abusive man who was both arrogant and majorly depressed for most of my childhood. His parents raised him to believe the world revolved around him, so naturally, when something goes wrong, it was never his fault and everyone was just out to get him. He would victimize himself to the point of believing his actions were the right thing to do, and his words were the right thing to say, and took his frustrations out upon my mother, brother, and me. My mother, a true Japanese stoic, grew to become cold to him. She would simply ignore him when he went on tirades, which drove him madder. His aggressions have, in the past, gotten to the point of black eyes, broken jewelry, doctor visits, and child protective services. Oh, and the very well-acquainted police, who knew my father by name and our address by heart. My cats were the only friends I got to see everyday, because my mother never allowed my friends over out of embarrassment; I felt embarrassed, too. Needless to say, I grew up to be very angry at the world, predisposed to addictions, and what will become major depression for, as of now, the rest of my life. I felt small. Insignificant. My mother told me suicide is selfish, but I never stopped trying. It always hurt when I tried, though, and she was the first person I thought of. Sometimes the thought of her living without me made me stop. Sometimes it didn't. She worries for me every day, even now, and I wish she wouldn't. It's been 4 years since I was actually diagnosed and put on antidepressants. That helped a bit, but only a year ago when I finally found the right kind for me. Still, I felt ugly. I felt fat. I couldn't see myself as anything worth fighting for, worth loving, or worth living. I never took photos of myself or looked in the mirror. I never talked to strangers because I was so paranoid of how they would think of me. I'd become ashamed and embarrassed when someone approached me.
I realized that maybe I could do something to undo the years of pain from my childhood, and what they turned me into. I did some research --I became almost robotic in my value of cold, hard logic and reasoning, as I had locked away my emotions years ago out of survival and due to my constantly, aggressively being "reminded" to-- which led me to various things. Various attempts at being happy and regaining some happiness, that didn't work. I then found modeling. I had modeled here and there for my friends, since they liked my thin "figure" and my "crazy hair and piercings," but I had never tried to go out and do any real modeling for professional photographers, people I didn't know. I stepped out of my comfort zone and ventured forth. Soon, it turned into a hobby. I was enjoying doing my makeup and having photos taken of me. It didn't change my life, though.
Though that, I found out about this website that hosts professional photos of nude, inked and pierced beauties called Suicide Girls. I was quickly warned about them, though, that they were mean and rude, and that I'd "never actually become a Suicide Girl". So I left it alone. A few years later, one year ago, however, my curiosity grew. I researched that, too, and I liked what I saw, a lot. I was surprisingly determined, and that shock awakened part of my soul. I felt more alive. So I read up on all the rules and guidelines, and found a photographer I liked who could work with me through my introductory journey through the experience of shooting nude photos for this community. It was weird at first, but I quickly normalized to the idea and act of shooting nude. I began to enjoy it and become more open with my photographer, which began producing even better photos. It was not until I actually saw the photos that he sent me that were to become my first Suicide Girls Photo Set that I felt something real was happening. I was actually happy with my photos, and I felt proud of them. I quickly agreed to shoot more with him.
However, my life still wasn't necessarily changed. It wasn't until 4 months later --after my first set finished the queue and was live in Member Review-- that I felt my life was changed. Really, truly changed. The coming days after my first set was live on this website, I read the comments.
For the first time in so many years, I was truly happy and proud of myself. For the first time in my life, I finally understood that I am beautiful. And it felt amazing.
For the first time in my life, even though I am already engaged, I realized I could be loved. I realized I am loved. I understood the possibility of my being worth something to someone. I finally fucking understood why my fiancé loves me, and has loved me for the entire year that we've been together. I realized that even though I couldn't see my beauty, so many others could. And I felt a bit of sadness when I realized that all the years people have told me how beautiful I am and I fought against it, even became angry with them, that I was wrong. I realized that even if I hadn't been beautiful, I would have been wrong. Regardless, I had an epiphany that day that truly changed my life for the better. And with each set that left queue and went up for MR, I became more attuned with my beauty and even the sheer idea that I possessed beauty.
And it feels wonderful.
-Akari<3
