It's been a really tough week. I've got a lot on my mind, and no one to tell it to, so I'm gonna use this here trusty blog to let it all out. Read if you want, but if you're looking for happy thoughts, they ain't here.
I feel like I'm in a rough place right now, and I'm not sure how to get out of it. The person I've been seeing for, well, the last couple years basically, is very upset with me, and I don't really know what to do.
It all happened last weekend. Work has been hectic, and while at work Friday I discovered that it was mandatory for me to work both Saturday and Sunday. I typically have weekends off, but had been working Sundays lately, leaving Saturday as my only day off. I had been talking to my lady friend earlier in the week about how badly I want both days off, and that I was going to try and do that. I was quite upset when I found out I had to work BOTH days instead.
The part I was the most upset about was the fact that working meant I couldn't spend any time during the day with her, which was something we typically do, and I REALLY enjoy that.
So, I got off work at 11pm Friday, which is my normal time off. She had gone to a show with a few friends, so I said cool I'll meet you there. But, she informed me that the show was probably close to being over, and it was 9 bucks to get in, so we both agreed it probably wasn't worth it, but she said once it was over she would let me know and I could just meet at her house. Well that didn't end up being until 2am when bars closed, so I was a little sad about having to wait that long, but didn't worry about it too much because now we were hanging out. We were only up for maybe an hour and a half though, so I was a little bummed out that we didn't get to hang out very long, while awake that is, but it was ok. I was happy to see her anyway.
Now it's Saturday. I'm angry that I have to go into work. (If I could only have one day off, I would rather it be Saturdays, hence my anger.) I expect to work 'til 11, as usual, very stressed out that I'm even there. Not talking to anyone or making eye contact. Just doin' my damn job. By 7 I just feel like shit, so I decide that I could probably get away with leaving, so I did. I let my lady friend know that I was off early, but since she thought I was working until 11, she made plans with a friend for earlier in the evening, around 9ish or so. She said it shouldn't be long. Probably just a couple hours for coffee or something, so I said cool, I'm dying for a nap, I'll just see you afterwords. So I wake from my nap around 10, still pretty bummed that I didn't get to see her all day, but relieved that we'd be hanging out soon. I sent her a text letting her know I was up, and to let me know when she's done with her coffee date. Turns out she hadn't heard from her friend yet, so we decide that it sounded nice to go ahead and go downtown for a drink, and then return to her place and hangout. We had a really nice time while having our drink, and while we were doing this, she finally heard back from her friend, and asked me if it would be cool if she went and hung out with him for a bit after we finish our drinks. I was a little saddened by that, just because I missed her all day, but I didn't want to be a dick and say she couldn't, so I said ok. She said that when they're done hanging out, she'll text me and I'll come back over. I was under the impression that it would only be a couple hours, so I went to another bar and hung out until closing time, then went home. I texted her on occasion, but her responses were quite delayed. No biggie. She's trying to make new friends, so she was most likely talking a lot, and I know my texts are quite delayed in those situations, but I was just trying to get a rough idea at when we'd be hanging out. Well 4:30am rolls around, and I'm starting to get really tired, so I asked her if she was still going to want me to come over, and she said yeah, friend is leaving. Come over if you like. So I get there around 4:45 and knock on the door. No answer. It's always hard to hear knocks on that door anyway, so I text letting her know I was there. Still no answer. Hmmm. 5am rolls around, so I get ready to walk away, but she finally answered the door and informed me that she fell asleep. I figured as much. She's usually dead asleep by 3:30. Adorable girl, always falling asleep at random. I was surprised she was able to stay up that late even, so I giggle about it and we go to bed. She falls asleep almost instantly, so I wrap myself around her, relieved to finally be with her because I missed her so much all day and night, but bummed that I barely got to spend any time with her at all.
I wake up. It's Sunday, and once again I have to go to work. Grrrrrrrr. Such an unfulfilled weekend, I must say. I didn't want to leave her house. I still missed her, even though I was right next to her. Weird. The whole work day was nothing but a stress factory. At this point I absolutely couldn't stand being there. I was so stressed out about not getting any days off, when I really needed both. I was texting her all day, and we started talking about the weekend a little bit. She had talked about how it's probably going to be a regular thing for her to be hanging out with other people, which is fine. She doesn't have a lot of friends, so it's good that she's trying to make some. She told me that she thinks I'm secretly mad, though, so I said I was just bummed out about the weekend. She asked why, so I tried explaining that it was because I felt gypped out of my weekend (because of work) and didn't get to spend hardly any time with her at all, but being as stressed out and angry at my job as I was, I think I tried explaining it in way too many words (through text messaging), and much of it must have come across wrong, because somehow she interpreted it as me being a jealous douche, and it really hurt her feelings and she got very upset. I realized what I had done, and tried to assure her that that's not what I was feeling, but she was too upset at that point and I just kept digging myself a bigger hole.
She had fallen asleep by the time I got off work that night, and I went home feeling like I was going to vomit, because I felt so horrible for hurting her feelings. It wasn't my intention at all, but it happened, and I wanted to die. I lied down on my couch, trying not to puke, and then I passed out around midnight. Much earlier than normal. I didn't wake up until about 11:30 the next morning, but I asked her if it was okay if I came over before work, and she said it was up to me. So, I did. I really wanted to apologize and try to patch things up, and try to explain what I was really feeling so she wouldn't think I was just being jealous, and I always feel better doing these things in person. Well, I tried anyway, until I had to go to work, but I don't think anything I said meant anything.
I've been seeking forgiveness all week now, but I'm not sure if I'm going to get it. I'm pretty sure I ruined everything, and that her perspective of me has forever changed. That's the part that's bothering me the most right now. She's mad at me, but I feel like it's for the wrong reasons. I didn't even feel a tinge of jealousy all weekend. I know her better than that. Why would I even think anything of it? I keep re-reading everything I said, trying to figure out what part came across as jealous, but I think because I know what I was feeling when I said everything, it didn't sound like it to me, so I tried to look at it through an outside point of view, and there were quite a few things I could have worded better, so now I kinda understand how it would have come across that way. I think I let my stress and anger at work get to me, and it came out in my texts. Stupid me. Stupid stupid stupid.
I've been beating myself up for it all week now. I meant no harm at all. All I was trying to explain was that I missed her and that I was bummed out that I didn't get to see her all weekend. That's it. That's the only thing I was upset about. (well work too, but you know.) I feel stuck now, because I don't know how to explain that to her. She thinks I'm some horrible jealous person now and that I'm going to get upset every time she hangs out with someone. That would be really unfair of me if that were the case, and it'll really sting if I'm forever viewed as that kind of person. Even if she does forgive me eventually, I don't think I'll feel closure as long as she thinks those were my reasons for getting upset. I just wish she knew the real reason, but how could I even convince her now? It's really bothering me. I don't think anything has ever felt worse than hurting the feelings of someone I love and care about, along with just the thought of knowing how I'm going to be viewed now.
How do I convince her?
Is it even possible?
I'm stuck on this one.
Drat.
I feel like I'm in a rough place right now, and I'm not sure how to get out of it. The person I've been seeing for, well, the last couple years basically, is very upset with me, and I don't really know what to do.
It all happened last weekend. Work has been hectic, and while at work Friday I discovered that it was mandatory for me to work both Saturday and Sunday. I typically have weekends off, but had been working Sundays lately, leaving Saturday as my only day off. I had been talking to my lady friend earlier in the week about how badly I want both days off, and that I was going to try and do that. I was quite upset when I found out I had to work BOTH days instead.
The part I was the most upset about was the fact that working meant I couldn't spend any time during the day with her, which was something we typically do, and I REALLY enjoy that.
So, I got off work at 11pm Friday, which is my normal time off. She had gone to a show with a few friends, so I said cool I'll meet you there. But, she informed me that the show was probably close to being over, and it was 9 bucks to get in, so we both agreed it probably wasn't worth it, but she said once it was over she would let me know and I could just meet at her house. Well that didn't end up being until 2am when bars closed, so I was a little sad about having to wait that long, but didn't worry about it too much because now we were hanging out. We were only up for maybe an hour and a half though, so I was a little bummed out that we didn't get to hang out very long, while awake that is, but it was ok. I was happy to see her anyway.
Now it's Saturday. I'm angry that I have to go into work. (If I could only have one day off, I would rather it be Saturdays, hence my anger.) I expect to work 'til 11, as usual, very stressed out that I'm even there. Not talking to anyone or making eye contact. Just doin' my damn job. By 7 I just feel like shit, so I decide that I could probably get away with leaving, so I did. I let my lady friend know that I was off early, but since she thought I was working until 11, she made plans with a friend for earlier in the evening, around 9ish or so. She said it shouldn't be long. Probably just a couple hours for coffee or something, so I said cool, I'm dying for a nap, I'll just see you afterwords. So I wake from my nap around 10, still pretty bummed that I didn't get to see her all day, but relieved that we'd be hanging out soon. I sent her a text letting her know I was up, and to let me know when she's done with her coffee date. Turns out she hadn't heard from her friend yet, so we decide that it sounded nice to go ahead and go downtown for a drink, and then return to her place and hangout. We had a really nice time while having our drink, and while we were doing this, she finally heard back from her friend, and asked me if it would be cool if she went and hung out with him for a bit after we finish our drinks. I was a little saddened by that, just because I missed her all day, but I didn't want to be a dick and say she couldn't, so I said ok. She said that when they're done hanging out, she'll text me and I'll come back over. I was under the impression that it would only be a couple hours, so I went to another bar and hung out until closing time, then went home. I texted her on occasion, but her responses were quite delayed. No biggie. She's trying to make new friends, so she was most likely talking a lot, and I know my texts are quite delayed in those situations, but I was just trying to get a rough idea at when we'd be hanging out. Well 4:30am rolls around, and I'm starting to get really tired, so I asked her if she was still going to want me to come over, and she said yeah, friend is leaving. Come over if you like. So I get there around 4:45 and knock on the door. No answer. It's always hard to hear knocks on that door anyway, so I text letting her know I was there. Still no answer. Hmmm. 5am rolls around, so I get ready to walk away, but she finally answered the door and informed me that she fell asleep. I figured as much. She's usually dead asleep by 3:30. Adorable girl, always falling asleep at random. I was surprised she was able to stay up that late even, so I giggle about it and we go to bed. She falls asleep almost instantly, so I wrap myself around her, relieved to finally be with her because I missed her so much all day and night, but bummed that I barely got to spend any time with her at all.
I wake up. It's Sunday, and once again I have to go to work. Grrrrrrrr. Such an unfulfilled weekend, I must say. I didn't want to leave her house. I still missed her, even though I was right next to her. Weird. The whole work day was nothing but a stress factory. At this point I absolutely couldn't stand being there. I was so stressed out about not getting any days off, when I really needed both. I was texting her all day, and we started talking about the weekend a little bit. She had talked about how it's probably going to be a regular thing for her to be hanging out with other people, which is fine. She doesn't have a lot of friends, so it's good that she's trying to make some. She told me that she thinks I'm secretly mad, though, so I said I was just bummed out about the weekend. She asked why, so I tried explaining that it was because I felt gypped out of my weekend (because of work) and didn't get to spend hardly any time with her at all, but being as stressed out and angry at my job as I was, I think I tried explaining it in way too many words (through text messaging), and much of it must have come across wrong, because somehow she interpreted it as me being a jealous douche, and it really hurt her feelings and she got very upset. I realized what I had done, and tried to assure her that that's not what I was feeling, but she was too upset at that point and I just kept digging myself a bigger hole.
She had fallen asleep by the time I got off work that night, and I went home feeling like I was going to vomit, because I felt so horrible for hurting her feelings. It wasn't my intention at all, but it happened, and I wanted to die. I lied down on my couch, trying not to puke, and then I passed out around midnight. Much earlier than normal. I didn't wake up until about 11:30 the next morning, but I asked her if it was okay if I came over before work, and she said it was up to me. So, I did. I really wanted to apologize and try to patch things up, and try to explain what I was really feeling so she wouldn't think I was just being jealous, and I always feel better doing these things in person. Well, I tried anyway, until I had to go to work, but I don't think anything I said meant anything.
I've been seeking forgiveness all week now, but I'm not sure if I'm going to get it. I'm pretty sure I ruined everything, and that her perspective of me has forever changed. That's the part that's bothering me the most right now. She's mad at me, but I feel like it's for the wrong reasons. I didn't even feel a tinge of jealousy all weekend. I know her better than that. Why would I even think anything of it? I keep re-reading everything I said, trying to figure out what part came across as jealous, but I think because I know what I was feeling when I said everything, it didn't sound like it to me, so I tried to look at it through an outside point of view, and there were quite a few things I could have worded better, so now I kinda understand how it would have come across that way. I think I let my stress and anger at work get to me, and it came out in my texts. Stupid me. Stupid stupid stupid.
I've been beating myself up for it all week now. I meant no harm at all. All I was trying to explain was that I missed her and that I was bummed out that I didn't get to see her all weekend. That's it. That's the only thing I was upset about. (well work too, but you know.) I feel stuck now, because I don't know how to explain that to her. She thinks I'm some horrible jealous person now and that I'm going to get upset every time she hangs out with someone. That would be really unfair of me if that were the case, and it'll really sting if I'm forever viewed as that kind of person. Even if she does forgive me eventually, I don't think I'll feel closure as long as she thinks those were my reasons for getting upset. I just wish she knew the real reason, but how could I even convince her now? It's really bothering me. I don't think anything has ever felt worse than hurting the feelings of someone I love and care about, along with just the thought of knowing how I'm going to be viewed now.
How do I convince her?
Is it even possible?
I'm stuck on this one.
Drat.
zombienik_o:
Sounds to me like she needs to cut you some slack. You've done the right thing and appologised to her... She needs to be a little more understanding. Relationships are a two way street. Cheer up mister, things will work themselves out.
aidan:
Thanks. Yeah, I said some really dumb things, so I don't blame her for being mad. I think she's only just a teeny tiny little bit mad still, but I'm pretty sure she forgave me this weekend. It was just a rough week for everyone, and I think we needed a weekend to calm our skinny asses down. I feel much better now. 