aidan

I feel way too easily dropped. I think the one thing that hurts more than old friends dying is having the one person you love and care about most tell you they're leaving you. I can't even put into words how I feel right now. It happened again last weekend. I have been seeing this girl off an on for the last year and a half. She had left a couple times in the past, but one was because she had to move away, but we later tried the distance thing (it was only a 30 min. drive), and then she left because of certain people around me, which sucked but was understandable. They brought on a lot of negativity. I did everything I could to weed out the negativity around me and improve my lifestyle, which has gone well so far, and then later she and I started hanging out again, which led to us seeing each other again, and without all that negativity around me, things were going pretty damn well for the last 5 or 6 months. Last month, I had to switch shifts, which made me feel exhausted a lot of the time, and that caused a bit of rockiness in our relationship, but nothing too bad. She had some concerns about me, and I listened and did everything I could to take care of them, and was really trying hard to be the best boyfriend I could be. One of her concerns was about me being too closed off, which is understandable. I have a hard time opening up sometimes, and I guess I didn't realize how closed off I was to her, so I sucked it up, let my guard down, and just let myself be wide open with her. It felt great. I started acting completely like myself. I wasn't sure why I felt this need to keep my guard up in the first place. She is easy to open up to. I feel a connection with her that no one else has or could ever compare to. Soon after came New Years. We hung out, had a really good time out even though it was cold, then had a ton of fun at home by ourselves, and I honestly can't think of a time I was happier. I really thought we were going to work this time, and had no worry about her going away.

Later that night, we had discussed celebrating my birthday that next Saturday, since the actual day of my birthday was a Wednesday, so celebrating on a weekend would be better. She told me she would come down and celebrate with me and have a good time, but, she won't be coming back after that. My heart jumped, and I couldn't really think of anything to say, so she explained that with our conflicting schedules and the distance, she didn't think it was going to work out because when we see each other, we're always tired out, and she thought it would be the right thing to do to end it now. Ehhhhhh. Crap. This is why I have a hard time opening up. As soon as I do, these things happen. What she was saying made sense, and I don't know, maybe it was the right thing to do, but for some reason this time I feel like there's nothing right about it, like this is the worst thing she could possibly be doing. It feels like the most wrong thing in the world this time. Well, I take a deep breath, listen to her, and say okay. I thought maybe she was just worrying too much, and on my birthday celebration she will have changed her mind.

She came down for my birthday, as planned. We went out for sushi, then a couple bars for drinks. Had a great time out even though it was FUCKING FREEZING, then came home early, and had a ton of fun at home by ourselves again, and I couldn't have been happier. Later, she let me take pictures of her, because I was in an artsy mood and just can't get over how fucking beautiful she is, then we fucked for hours, and I must say, that was some of the best damn sex I've ever had. Fucking shit. The next morning, we went out for breakfast, and talked about her leaving. She was still set on it. I must have asked if she was sure about it like a million times that morning, and the night before as well. I'm sure I was pretty annoying. Heh. Sadly, yes. She was sure, so I told her it would probably be easier to get over each other if we didn't talk, and she agreed. After breakfast, we went back to my place, said our goodbyes, I broke down, then she left. I had a horrible panic attack after that. Paced back and forth through my house, until I later collapsed. (I didn't like fall over or anything. Just basically plopped down on my couch.) I don't think I've ever felt like that before. I must have looked god damn ridiculous. It just feels sosososososo wrong this time, and it's really fucking with my head. I honestly didn't think she would go away.

I don't even feel like myself one bit now. She was the closest person to me that I had, and it feels so weird not being able to say anything to her, especially when I'm used to talking to her every single day. Never have I felt so alone. She was my best friend. I loved everything about her. I loved everything about being with her. And now she's gone, and I can't do a damn thing about it. It's only been a few days, so I'm giving her some time to change her mind, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon, and if it doesn't happen by February, I'm not sure if I'll want to come back again. I'm just too fucked up over it this time.

We said we'd talk again in 6 months, just to see how each other is doing. We agreed that 6 months was probably long enough to get over things. She's such a sweet girl though. She wasn't a bitch about any of it. She kept telling me how perfect I was. Assured me that there was nothing wrong with me, and that it would just be easier if we lived in the same town, but that can't happen for awhile. Not with her job and hours. She's right, it would be easier if we lived in the same town. I don't know, I was doing okay, distance or not. I just hate the whole situation.

I don't feel so perfect.

Wake me up in 6 months...