agonistes_vental

"What I got to do to make you love me,what I got to do to care,what I do when lightning strikes me and I am waiting to find that your not there,what I got to do to make you want to me,what I got to do to be heard,what do I say when it's all over,sorry seems to be the hardest words" Elton John
This song by Elton John is the song of choice in this odd mood "Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word" beats against my head once more.You knwo so many songs are so damn touching,and well as this night folds away and calls for the sunlight to rise and warm the earth,I sit alone. and notice that I am way to busy with things,my Shaman has spoken and I thought he was incorrect but in honesty when he said I am giving to much I didn't believe him but it's true.I am sitting here feeling this hurt crawling over my body and,I have ignored my needs as a human,as a person in life.I've kept on the path of healing and did not really notice the feeling within fully.But when I am not busy,not in video conferences,and on the phone with clients,when I am not doing readings personally,and sending my energy out into the night and day,I am alone,and hurt.Some of you may find it bullshit and useless as to how I think and live and that's fine,I accept your voice and gladly remind you even though the hearts may be dark I still am able to love each and everyone I meet.But the matter of all tihs is I am alone,I have few close friends,on;y in my line in life it seems to be people who jsut want and want.I give os much,more than most can imagine,but in my time of need of a shoulder to lean on I am denied,I question myself at times,but it ends i nthe final result of me not losing hope in humnaity.A dark night comes as I sit alone,my heart aches,and my tears fall not ordinary of me,I am not ashamed of my feelings but on this night I just long for comfort.
I guess it plays in my mind of the reminder of what comes soon this month,the day I once died long ago ,almost passed the Horizon Road to my elders,I swore to live purity after this,I swore to give my all and love the world,but most of all I vowed to never be alone.As each day passes like flies on a rotten corspe the flesh grows weak and is eaten away similar to my heart being weak and wanting to give in.But I cannot for the day I grow weak I will die.Odd to explain but the mood is deep and thoughtful as I weep.You know I have a open life,open mind,and heart.I want people to see good in me,I want the mto know that I am here for the world and that a good friend lies close,but so many people hear the whispers and ask away,come to seek guidance and compassion and that's okay but after I open up ion many levels they walk away.A tendency for so many people that come to me friends,family,and clients just walk away,I knwo I am a good person but am I in the wrong,i feel alone,I have no one to turn to to talk,to embrace,and rest.I am alone in all I do,and it hurts me deeply.Even when one opens the thought and voice the compassio nwithin is it not heard.I just think I am cranky and long to be understood and seen for the beauty I hold.I just feel like a monster at times something I was long ago,I feel hideous and grotesque different t obe exact.Bad words to say whe ni know I amn ot this,it's jsut I wish that people could see my light,my beauty,I want to be embraced and reminded of who I am and what I am ,the amazing person and wonderful friend I am yet I never really had that,I've never really had friends,I just long to love again in truth to be embraced.To be able to show my love for one person fully,compassion,care,interest,commitment,and love.I wish I have a girl who heard my whisper ,but these days it seems impossible to be seen.Oh how it shines.