agentblack

Right. I've been wondering about how to do this update, and how I was going to talk about everything I saw, And the things we all talked about about, and the HARD THINKING THOUGHTS that where generated, but I can't, because it'd be too fucking vast and complex and myriad and inchoate for me to condense down into a single essay, much like Beijing, or indeed China.

So instead, I'm going to give you a brief overview of the highlights, and funny bits, and then talk about the other, important bits at later dates, in depth.

It's been a bit of a funny old month in all, I've been to China, got my eyes lasered, and came home today to be told that my Grandad has died. It's like All of the years event's have been crammed into one month. Efficient.

Let us begin.

In The Beginning...

For a long time, I had been feeling restless. I am a white heterosexual male aged between 18-30, living in Western Europe. The world pretty much revolves around me and what I want to do, demographic wise. I had a plan about disappearing, getting a cheap flight to somewhere like Barcelona, and getting lost for a weekend, in a strange city where I didn't know much of the language.

Something to shift me out of my comfort zone, if only for a little while.

But then I got a phone call from my brother. From the other side of the world he tells me "I'm living like a young prince, the flat is almost bigger than our house - Come Over."

So I saved up my money, and spent about two days living on planes (including a ten hour stop in Dubai airport) until I arrived, tired, disorientated and rendered bad tempered by cramped conditions and airline food. I was met out of baggage claim by my brother; who was looking tall, fit and confident.

In our sibling rivalry, he has always had the upper hand.

Ladies, Make your choice.

One is a trained killer, the other an enthusiastic amateur.

Whilst in China, I made some friends...





Cute, aren't they? They tasted nice as well.

I looked SEXY AS HELL on a world heritage site.



Honestly, check me out. Could I carry off the 'macho world adventurer' look any better? Damn.

But I also got talked into eating something from the stalls at the night market.



The vendor said it was a snake. Later, my brother decided that is more likely to have been some sort of parasite worm taken from the bowels of a cow.



In the naievety of youth, I had decided that this end was its "face". You can just about see that at this moment, I was still smiling. That wouldn't last. Oh no.



Here, our handsome hero thinks, "Shouldn't Snake have bones in it? Oh. Oh no. Oh shit. Oh no."



"Arrrgh, why is it stretching! This isn't snake at all! There should be bone in here!"



At this point, I had reverted to base animal mode, determined not to lose face in front of my brother, who was shitting himself laughing at me. It is a credit to his personal control that he was able to take any pictures at all.



REGRET! Tragically, we had just come from a really nice Thai restaurant, where I had a superb meal of steamed mussels and soft white rice, and raw shrimp with a chilli and garlic sauce. Here, I reflect on what a fool I am.



TURMOIL! This is the point that I realised that, yes, I probably had just eaten some sort of tapeworm.



Bulimia suddenly appeared to be an excellent lifestyle choice, with a lot of advantages.

You may think me foolish for eating such a truly repugnant collection of cartilege and gristle, but my choices were not great.





What would you have chosen, if you're so clever then, hey?

Other stuff, that wasn't so soul destroyingly nasty.

The posters in Beijing were ace.



There were lots of "Space! Fuck Yeah!" posters. China is very proud of it's space program because it helps to demonstrate that China is a powerful and emrging superpower in the new century, but mostly because it's a big old "FUCK YOU UNCLE SAM" to America. I heartily Approve of the Chinese Space Program.



Not Gay in the slightest. At all. Honest.



Don't Do Anything. At All.



These guys were everywhere in beijing. This was a fairly small load, compared to the average amount of Heavy Shit that was getting hauled around by these guys.
Lance Armstrong is Nothing compared to these tough little fuckers, Nothing At All.. Do you hear me? NOTHING.



This happening little night spot is jokingly refered to as "St Margerette's School for Girls". Techincally, it was Not A Brothel. Technically. Honest.

These pictures I found in a museum during one of my wanders round Beijing - They're supposed to tell the story of a monk who did various astronomical things, but to me, they looked more like they told a different story.


The monk Lao Dan is hard at work, drawing up plans for the worlds first DOOM CANNON.


The monk Lao Dan, angered by the suggestion that he shouldn't use his DOOM CANNON to shoot down the moon, just cold slaps two dudes at the same time like they were pennyweight bitches.


Increasingly worried by the violent mood swings of the monk Lao Dan, the scholars of the kingdom attempt to contruct a cage strong enough to restrain him.


Discovering the plot to imprison him, the monk Lao Dan takes the bitches to school, by throwing their ringleader into the sky.

That's your lot for now. Next installment - The slums of Beijing, with social commentry and contrast with the massive rate of expansion and the explosion of prosperity in China at large.

Damn I'm smart.