agentblack

I've written out the crap* - If I feel like it, I may soon bring you stories of sexual diseases, maliscious genius, and collapsing universes.

REJOICE.

*Crap being a relative value

Although I may decide I'm being an attention seeking whore, and not bother.

Today, I have been fighting the impulse to join the army. I occasionaly get fucking sick of stuff - like spending my pay on Junk and toys, and not actually Living, just existing, and I feel the need to do Something, instead of just being a consumer.

And the Army appeals because it's dead manly and stuff, but I get put off because I know that essentially I get fucked off like this because I haven't written anything in a while, and I just need to be more disciplined.

Also, because my brother is in the army, I feel as though it's 'his' thing, and If I joined as well i'd just be copying him. I'm also intimidated by the idea that I might not make the grade.

My brother and I still have quite a lot of sibling rivalry and I don't feel like giving him extra ammo.

I like the rivalry we have, which manifests itself as "banter" and "rough housing", although to an outsider this might appear to be "Contant Abuse" and "Shocking Bouts of Appalling Brutality".

I think the problem is that I don't feel like I'm being manly enough - Working at waterstones is alright, But I feel as though I could be doing something a bit more... Grrr.*
I think I'm quite an aggressive person by nature, although I channel most of it into lifting weights and being disdainful of cake boys.

But I still feel like I should be doing something with it. I used to do martial arts, but got put off by the other wankers that did it, who used to talk about how they once pulled a guys finger off, and how they once took on fifteen blokes in a fight, no, seventeen, no, twenty four, and six of them where paratroopers, and one of them had a chainsaw. Honest.

I appreciate that you do it to make yourself more capable in dodgy situations, but most of the time I felt like I was with people who got picked on at school and harboured masturbatory revenge fantasies of meeting their tormenters in the pub, and then things would be different this time, oh yes...

Having said that, last time I went to a meet, I was chatting to Dicey and she made it sound quite cool, and I was tempted to give it another go.

I'm in the mood for new challenges at the moment, I'm climbing another mountain in April, but I feel the need to do something NOW. Any ideas?

*To experience what the word "Grrr" represents, grit your teeth and clench you fist infront of you face. No think about standing on top of a mountain, and conquering most of Asia with an army of nomad cavalry.