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I haven't always been a big Nine Inch Nails fan. When I first heard the song "Closer" in high school I was disgusted by it. I couldn't understand why someone would write such a graphic song about sex and then play it for the whole entire world, not to mention I couldn't believe people actually wanted to listen to it. A few years later, here...
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Attention All Bradley Students: Just because the Chicago Bears are playing in the super bowl does NOT mean that you all need to scream so loud I can hear you outside the dorms with all of the windows shut Every Single Time someone does something. Please shut the fuck up. Im tired of hearing you. That is all. Thank you. -Me

Dear Fucktard-Who-Thought-It-Would-Be-Cute-To-Put-Nails-In-The-Parking-Garage,
Thank you! I totally wanted to spend my entire day sitting at Wal-Mart The Store From Hell waiting to get my tires replaced for the grand total of $150. Because after all, I'm a college student, I've got money coming out of my ass to spend on my Worthless Piece Of Shit Car. Next time you get the bright idea to put nails...
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Reality Is Statistically Impossible

Someone said this to me the other day and I've been pondering it ever since and am completely fascinated by it. In case you haven't taken statistics before (or just didn't understand it), when something is so rare that it can't really be expressed in a number that we can even begin to comprehend, it is said that it is "impossible"....
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How Best To Kill A Zombie

So, I was sitting outside my Honors Seminar about Buddhism yesterday with the rest of the class waiting for the professor to show up and unlock the door for us when two of the guys began arguing about the best way to kill a zombie. It all started when one of them, we'll call him "Fred", saw that the...
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If There's One Thing I Didn't Miss About School, It's Hearing Justin Timberlake 5 Times An Hour


So, after a super long drive in totally shit-tastic weather, I'm back in Peoria. It just hit me today that I have less than 48 hours until I start class. Scary. Anyway, I'm back to doing what I do best for the time being: protesting the cafeteria, scaring...
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Ongoing Hewlett Packard Saga Part Deux

Remember how I didn't have a computer several months ago because my PC crashed and HP refused to acknowledge my extended warranty so I had one of my friends fix it while I argued with the pricks at HP? Guess what broke again? I'll give you a hint: it starts with "c" and ends with "omputer". That's motherfucking right...
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Hell To The Yeah, MOFO!!!
This is the most unbelievably long winter break in history of college! While it means 6 weeks of no homework and no job, I sort of feel like I'm not really accomplishing anything, like I'm wasting my life away. I was motivated beyond belief for the first few days and I accomplished a bunch of things, like making this awesome...
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Dear SuicideGirls.com,
I'm sure you thought you were being crazy nice to us members when you decided to give us a whole bunch of photo sets in a few days, but guess what? NO ONE CAN FUCKING LOOK AT 30 PHOTO SETS A DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK????!!!!!!!! KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!! Honestly, SG, honestly, can we not just go back to the good old days when...
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V is for Victory

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been through battle and I have lived to tell about it. I have been shot, I have been stabbed, work with me. Today marks a major milestone in my life. A milestone that I wish to share with all of humanity, hence why I am posting it here. This milestone is one that so many hope...
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