agata

Damn, I hate insurence companies.

So, it looks like they're not going to pay out over the car. Some kind of loop hole or something, I wasnt really paying attention. Something to do with the keys being in the car. Its a fuckin joke

Needless to, say the atmosphere here isnt really 'great'...obviously.

Havent slept in a few days, nothing out of the ordanary there then. Last time I slept was when my mom got a call saying the car had been sighted, about 3 days ago I think. This send me insane. I didnt think I would, because it offers that slight glimmer of hope that we might get it back. Still,
I drempt that night, well kinda. You know when you slip in and out of consiousness while youre thinking about something? It was that. I was thinking about going out and finding them. Just driving round looking for the car.
In my dream we did.
Me and Si.
It was outside a pub about 2 miles from my house. We waited there till someone came back to the car. I dont know how long we waited.
I got out as soon as a guy walked up and touched the handle. I hit him round the legs with a baseball bat then kicked him in the face as he fell. Si took the other guy out with a taser, fuck knows where he was supposed to have got that from. Anyway we taped the guy I hit up and put him in the boot of my moms car. Si got back in his car and we both drove off. I cant remember what, if anything happened next but we ended up meeting up back near my house. It was pitch black now. Everything visible but stained red from the cars rear lights.
We took the guy out of the boot and Si started talking to him as I sat on the bonnet. The guys hands and feet were still tied but he could still move a little. Si made him kneel down and kick off his shoes and socks. He just kept cursing and saying he was gonna kill us as I walked over. I stood behind him and grabbed his hair pulling his head back. I said something like, "This is going to hurt. Alot." and reached down a cut both his Achilles tendons. He fell to the floor on his side and screamed. I remember seeing Si's face, and he looked nervous, he walked away and came back with a rope from the boot. I tied it around the guys neck and threw the other end over a branch of a tree above us. I told Si to get in the car and start it as I tied the frayed end to the bumper.
As the car reverse the guy rose up, till he was just off his knees. Red and eyes buldging.
And I just stood there.
Watching.
So content as he spluttered and scraped at the dirt trying to get some grip. Then that was it. I was staring at my curtains again. A tiny glimps of daylight through a gap between the two. I rolled over began to dwell on what ild been thinking.
Its rare that I remember any part of my dreams, let alone the majority of one.
I want it to come true so badly. I cant stop thinking about it. Adding bits on, places, wepons etc. If I belived in God Ild pray.
But I dont.
Its so frustrating, I cant control myself. All the time. Im pulling up the floorboards in my mind. Everywhere I go now, I carry something. A knuckle duster in my pocket, knife in my bag. Just incase. Sad, i know. But I know Ild get so much pleasure from it. Even for just a split second.

Ok, im gonna wind myself up in a minute so Ill change the subject.

Hope you all had a good xmas.

I got drunk on JD and Absinthe to try and block all the shit out. It kinda worked. Well, I guess it did work because I cant remember anything.

Theres so much crap thats pulling me appart at the seams at the moment I dont know where to start... Or whether I should start at all. I dont know if anyones listening...? Most of the things I say fall on deaf ears. They always have. I dont mean that in a disrespectfull way, so many of the people on here have been so good to me. Leaving me comments and encouragement, and really picking my up when im down, which seems to be most of the time. I really aprechiate everyone of you who even bother to read what I wright and I always try to reply. I dont know what ild do with out you Its strange because I dont talk to my friends about anything. I guess dont like to burden anyone and I dont want them to change any opinions on me. I know "...but thats what friends are for..." But, well, they do enough. Its different on here because, you all can choose to either take me or leave me. Dont get me wrong, if they ask me whats going on I'll tell them. Im not prepared to bull shit them but they can usually tell if somethings fucking with me and they pick me up. I honestly cant remember when Ive had to buy myself a pint in the last 7 months at least. I cant ask for more than that. Ive had endless offers from people to 'sort someone out for me' etc. At least about 50 plus from just my friends in Brum. Its flattering to know people would put them selves at risk for you. Weird.

Im starting to regain a slight trust in friends. I never noticed it up until about a week ago. Its kinda strange. Ive never trusted anyone, at all. Once again, it sounds sad and makes me look like a cunt but its true. Ive never met a decent human being in my life. Why? Because there's no such thing, your birth ceitificate is proof of guilt. So, I dont trust them. At some point in your life, everyone you loved and cheerished will either leave you or die. So dont get your hopes up. I most likely sound like miserable asshole now, but really im not. Sinical, yes. Total grumpy twat, no.

Im kinda digging a hole now aint I...?

Ok, im off. Ill prob add more crap throughout the week, but ill end up constantly rambling on about bollocks like this if I stick around right now. Sorry

x x x x x x x x x x x x x

ps. The pains in my head have come back with a vengence
well, then never actully went away but they've just got worse over the last few months. I hate it