agata

I dont think you can ever be friends with your first love.

Ive thought about this. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. You can cut ties, not talk or maybe kiss and make up, but underneith it all theres still something there. Something that eats away at you, something that chokes you everytime you see that face. Something that makes your heart beat a thousand times a minute when you smell that scent...and theres noway of escaping it. But at the end of the day, hatred can provail. If its strong enough. It wont destroy the feelings but it'll make you numb. Ild rather be numb than the alternitive.

Ive grown cold and weiry towards 'love'.

It saddens me abit when I think about it. I used to be different. I used to be kinder, more considerate and more sentimental. Look where that got me. Crouched in the corner of a cold, dark room crying and clawing at my arms with broken glass. Thats why I always end up coming full circle and holding onto hatred again. 'You always love the one you hate', well im stuck between a rock and a hard place because Im standing here, with you, dragging up the past I didnt want. Maybe, just maybe the first time wasnt quite enough for you. Maybe you didnt get your fill. I know why you're here and its for nothing as noble as an apologie or 'I hope you're ok'. Its just a different approche. You tried the, polite asking, the telling then the threatening. So now I guess this is your back up plan? Maybe. Thats what it looks like to me because that whole 'talk' still had that same underlying theme, and it wasnt friendship. Even if its genuine and theres no hidden agenda, and that 'I love you' wasnt bullshit. Do you really honestly think I could sit back and see you with someone else and be ok? Please dont be nieve, and dont play dumb.
Im disgusted but still in shock that im in this position. I feel like a martyr for a cause I dont even belive in. Cheated and used for no other means than to prove a point... So I dont talk, I just stand there keep smoking and going over lyrics from the new album in my head... dont let the bastards grind you down.

"Do you really wish I had died?"

I cant lie, the answer's yes.
With all thats left of my heart.
And I would have smiled.
I felt like I could have done it right now...I wanted to do it right now. I would have beat you till you were limp and your blood stained my clothes. The only sound being the hard flat packing of my foot coming down on your neck as the hundreds of people fell slient and you stopped breathing. Lifeless, motionless, just the way I imagined it.

"Ild put a bullet between your eyes. But nothing changes...
That makes everything alright. But nothing changes..."

I let you break my heart. Twice no less!... Into a thousand pieces and you expect this of me? Im not gonna get sucker punched again. Or even risking it. Sorry, but no!
By this time, Ild taken as much as I possibly could and I had to walk away and let off some steam, Refused 'New Noise' came on and I kinda errupted.
So about a minute in, I look over my shoulder and its just me. I knew not many people really came up for this song but, somethings differet... Pretty much everyone on the dance floor are circling me about 10ft away on each side. Just watching. I saw one guy being dragged out the way by his leg and helped to his feet. I think i had knocked him down, but im not too sure. I can feel something trickeling down the side of my face. Its either blood or sweat, im not sure and at right there and then I dont care. It was pretty weird to say the least. Letting out everything that I hated and hurt me at that point, infront of everyone. It was different to being on stage and it was different to fighting. It was between the two and it felt ...good.

When it finished I pretty much collapsed. I fell to my hands and knees and coughed up a fair bit of blood (which for some reason ive been doing that alot lately). A few of my mates picked me up and dragged me away and propped me up. All I can really remember was Mark saying 'Where did you go, psycho boy?' and laughing then Dean saying, 'Yeah man, you went fuckin' postal out there, you ok?' This coming from a guy whos got A.D.D and has home made tattoos on his thy's kinda cheered me up. Then I looked down at my hands and saw blood. It was from the broken glasses on the floor but I didnt realise that at the time. Being a bit dazed I wasnt sure what I had done. The thought that I had truely killed her flooded my mind for a split second... but I didnt feel anything, no anger, no love, and no remorse. Once again, im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It seems to me that there's only two points in your life when you can really truely relate so a song, either if you're in love or if you've had your heart broken. until then, you'll just sing along aimlessly...

Im desperately trying to relax now. Im listening to 'Sunday 8pm' by Faithless and Ive just clicked with pretty much every single line from the song Killer's Lullaby. Ivegot rid of the lyrics and added a link instead cus this entry was long enough as it is.

http://www.lyricsdownload.com/faithless-killers-lullaby-lyrics.html

Other news, Kelly phoned me today. She flys back to LA on Thursday. Gutted I missed her again thats the second time we've been unable to meet up when shes been over here. Its depressing. Still, ive (only just ) sent off the photos we took in london back in September. Ill get them on here asap.
Oh I added a few more pics, me an my crazy hairdresser kaye (whos nuttier than squirrel shit) and me and my mate frank...S.A.U.C.E.D somewhere on tour with DIO.



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Ok ,it Tuesday today but im fuckin' apeshit at the mo' So im feeling the need to make an addition.
My mom's just got home.
The police dropped her back.
Im on the brink of snapping.
I swear, i will fuckin seriously hurt someone today and im going to love every single goddamn fuckin second of it!
Some little fuckin cunt car jacked her about 5 miles from my house. Knocked her to the floor, took the keys and drove off. Like I didnt fuckin HATE this world enough as it was! FUCKING CUNTS!!!