I didnt want to go to work.
So did something possibly a tiny bit drastic. Well thats how Si' put it. After he found me unconsious on his living room floor anyway.
Its been a while since I gave 'it' up. Im not sure how long because I honestly dont know. Every day seemed to blend into another and felt like I was living in perpetual deja vu. I didnt know when I had slept or even if I had slept. Conversations and situations in my dreams and subconsious bubbled to the surface and force their way into my reality. I was appologing to, and ignoring people over arguments ild had in dreams or thoughts because I couldnt distingquish what was real and what wasnt. Its really hard to see yourself going mad, but not being able to do anything about it. So I guess I just rolled with it.
I know they still came after me though. Harrasing me. Making subtle gestures that proved they were still aware I existed. In away im glad they did. I started it all. I was there in the begining. I should go down in history! Well, maybe not, its just an ego thing. None the less I turned my back on them. To an extent. But it was taking my life. 8 plus months of it. 8 plus months I cant account for. Maybe its more... I dont know. Like a big period of time deleted from history for reasons noone knows. Whiping my mental slate clean.
I think I thought about all this when I was out cold. At least I hope I did. It would be a 'subtlible reflection time'. Very apt.
I woke up with my left cheek stinging and hearing alot of noise. Confusing to say the least.
"Why the fuck are you slapping me?"
"Christ man, why do you fuckin' do this to yourself? I thought you were dead. You fuckin' look it."
"Thats not what I ment. Look at me. Do I need slapping?"
"Yeah."
"Well it wasnt gonna help was it. Gimme a cigerette."
I pulled myself against the door frame and sat there in a slumped bloody mess as Si pushed a cigarete inbetween the cuts in my lip trying to avoid the blood.
"Sorry man."
"What for?"
"I got blood on your mirror." Well it looked like I had, but I cant see out of my right eye and the left's still hazy.
"Shit! Man, its fuckin' everywhere. Its on the walls! And on the fireplace! I hate blood man!"
"Sorry. I'll clean it"
"I know. Why you do this to yourself again anyway?"
"Dont wanna go to work."
"Prat."
"Hmmmmmm"
We sat in silence for a good few minutes. I didnt really have the energy to speak, let alone move.
"Can you see ok man?"
"As soon as I get the blood out my eyes I be fine. Just grab me a few tissues, stitches and a needle and thred."
"Ok, but I aint watching, I need to get ready for work anyway."
"Sure"
From what I can gather, and using my limited amount of medical training (CPR aged 11) I can gather ive cracked my nose, possibly a few fingers on my right hand and a couple of ribs. I know this because Ive done these before. Also: Split lips, two black eyes and right cheek bone aswell as deep cuts in my eyebrow and hair line. I think I must have swallowed my tooth too. Well its not on the floor. My mouth feels somewhat incomplete now, obviously. Im coughing more blood now too. Not overly pretty.
I look like shit. Slightly blurry shit at that.
Ild be lying if I said it didnt make me feel better though.
Yeah, Im hobbling around and I can only see out of one eye till the other's swelling goes down. But I feel just that little bit more alive. "Self improvment is masturbation." Yeah, Im feeling inclined to agree there man.
Maybe I had a hidden agenda when I stood in front of the mirror and buried my fist into my jaw? Maybe my job was just an excuse? Maybe I wanted to reminise? Maybe Im still actully dreaming? Maybe nothing really changed? Or maybe, just maybe, I really hate my boss...?
The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye.
The story of love is hello and goodbye.
Until we meet again...
***************************************************
Ok, Its the day after I wrote this. I dont remember writing alot of it. Kinda confused. Still spitting blood. Im falling apart.
Im pretty astonished so many people care about me on here... Dont get me wrong, I didnt do this for attention. I have my own reasons. It gets on here because I... I dunno. Just need to talk? Let people know what Ive been up to? Feel somewhat obligied to fill this space? All of the above? But, yeah, anyway. Thank you all, Im really flattered. So if any of you need me in any way im here for you too
Its the least I can do.
Just so I wasnt imaging it... I did see this in Safeway car park right?...
Oh, Ive put a few more pics on (under random) and check out my SG army pic, im so proud of it
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
So did something possibly a tiny bit drastic. Well thats how Si' put it. After he found me unconsious on his living room floor anyway.
Its been a while since I gave 'it' up. Im not sure how long because I honestly dont know. Every day seemed to blend into another and felt like I was living in perpetual deja vu. I didnt know when I had slept or even if I had slept. Conversations and situations in my dreams and subconsious bubbled to the surface and force their way into my reality. I was appologing to, and ignoring people over arguments ild had in dreams or thoughts because I couldnt distingquish what was real and what wasnt. Its really hard to see yourself going mad, but not being able to do anything about it. So I guess I just rolled with it.
I know they still came after me though. Harrasing me. Making subtle gestures that proved they were still aware I existed. In away im glad they did. I started it all. I was there in the begining. I should go down in history! Well, maybe not, its just an ego thing. None the less I turned my back on them. To an extent. But it was taking my life. 8 plus months of it. 8 plus months I cant account for. Maybe its more... I dont know. Like a big period of time deleted from history for reasons noone knows. Whiping my mental slate clean.
I think I thought about all this when I was out cold. At least I hope I did. It would be a 'subtlible reflection time'. Very apt.
I woke up with my left cheek stinging and hearing alot of noise. Confusing to say the least.
"Why the fuck are you slapping me?"
"Christ man, why do you fuckin' do this to yourself? I thought you were dead. You fuckin' look it."
"Thats not what I ment. Look at me. Do I need slapping?"
"Yeah."
"Well it wasnt gonna help was it. Gimme a cigerette."
I pulled myself against the door frame and sat there in a slumped bloody mess as Si pushed a cigarete inbetween the cuts in my lip trying to avoid the blood.
"Sorry man."
"What for?"
"I got blood on your mirror." Well it looked like I had, but I cant see out of my right eye and the left's still hazy.
"Shit! Man, its fuckin' everywhere. Its on the walls! And on the fireplace! I hate blood man!"
"Sorry. I'll clean it"
"I know. Why you do this to yourself again anyway?"
"Dont wanna go to work."
"Prat."
"Hmmmmmm"
We sat in silence for a good few minutes. I didnt really have the energy to speak, let alone move.
"Can you see ok man?"
"As soon as I get the blood out my eyes I be fine. Just grab me a few tissues, stitches and a needle and thred."
"Ok, but I aint watching, I need to get ready for work anyway."
"Sure"
From what I can gather, and using my limited amount of medical training (CPR aged 11) I can gather ive cracked my nose, possibly a few fingers on my right hand and a couple of ribs. I know this because Ive done these before. Also: Split lips, two black eyes and right cheek bone aswell as deep cuts in my eyebrow and hair line. I think I must have swallowed my tooth too. Well its not on the floor. My mouth feels somewhat incomplete now, obviously. Im coughing more blood now too. Not overly pretty.
I look like shit. Slightly blurry shit at that.
Ild be lying if I said it didnt make me feel better though.
Yeah, Im hobbling around and I can only see out of one eye till the other's swelling goes down. But I feel just that little bit more alive. "Self improvment is masturbation." Yeah, Im feeling inclined to agree there man.
Maybe I had a hidden agenda when I stood in front of the mirror and buried my fist into my jaw? Maybe my job was just an excuse? Maybe I wanted to reminise? Maybe Im still actully dreaming? Maybe nothing really changed? Or maybe, just maybe, I really hate my boss...?
The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye.
The story of love is hello and goodbye.
Until we meet again...
***************************************************
Ok, Its the day after I wrote this. I dont remember writing alot of it. Kinda confused. Still spitting blood. Im falling apart.
Im pretty astonished so many people care about me on here... Dont get me wrong, I didnt do this for attention. I have my own reasons. It gets on here because I... I dunno. Just need to talk? Let people know what Ive been up to? Feel somewhat obligied to fill this space? All of the above? But, yeah, anyway. Thank you all, Im really flattered. So if any of you need me in any way im here for you too
Its the least I can do.
Just so I wasnt imaging it... I did see this in Safeway car park right?...
Oh, Ive put a few more pics on (under random) and check out my SG army pic, im so proud of it
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
No i wont eat too much- just lots of toast, a bowl of porridge, a banana, a cereal bar, 4 biscuits,a massive white chocolate chip cookie, a cup of tea, an orange, grapes and a grapefruit !!!!
How are you feeling now angel????
Did u get my email??
love and sparkles xoxoxoxoxx
I havent been up to much, just been at work today and eating, now im chatting on msn..... come chat too!!!
hugs xoxoxoxox