agata

I woke this morning strangely tranquil yet feeling almost paralised. I woke, like I had never sleepen. Untired, fully consious and bright eyed, but all I could do was lay there. Motionless except for my blinking and the strafing of my eyes as they followed the trail the rail drops left on the outside of the window. Then slowly I felt more and more depressed. My room grew, and got bigger and bigger as I shrunk, mentally falling like Alice down the rabbit hole. It felt like hours I lay there, contemplating, calculating and deliberating where my life was going. Or maybe, wasnt. Am I still dreaming? No. She's nowhere to be seen, I must be awake. I know I had drempt about her though. Maybe thats why I feel so depressed now...?

5 months ago she walked away. Appologised and closed the door. Ild been here before...Ive seen this scene before, though slightly different. Like shadows acting out a failed love story. Just with pieces of dialogue missing, but thats besides the point now, that was a long time ago. That was nearly 23 months ago. 18 months without uttering a word to each other. But who's counting, right? We'ld turned over a new leaf. We had changed as people and grown up. I was sorry for start. I had said those 3 little words, you had told me there was no hope and then I contradicted myself. In a manor of speaking. A misled night, which you had set up to trap me none the less. To free yourself from guilt. But ok, forgive and ...well...not forget, but ignore. Fine.
Then there we were, in love again. We had both said our pieces and forgave... Then she lied. Then she left. Then I got the true story. Parting on respectful, yet heart jolting almost shattering terms. I say jolting as after picking up the pieces and repairing them last time, they're somewhat tempered now. Almost like stone, but not as cold. You had walked my path, almost to the footprints. The same one I was forever appologetic for. The same one you deemed sick and I regret to this day regardless to what you did. This hit me like a tidal wave. Like being punched and falling into an icey sea. Breathtakingly painful.

She has since called. From his house. From his mobile. Just so I know, just so it will cut a little deeper. She wants her money. The rest of it. I refuse. I paid what I own, yet you took more. I mean would you, buy your closest a birthday present, split from them, give that present to the one you cheated with, then expect the other to pay for it? It must require an abnormal mind or unique amount of nieveity to do this right? Its not just me is it? I mean, I still cant move, but my mind is still functioning on some normal plain right?

Everything seems to be slipping away again. Theres a freezing breeze running from where my hair neck begins and my spine ends and my cheek feels cold. Im crying? Or am I bleeding? I still cant move. De ja vou. This reminds me of a time. Like im dying again. Only now I can see everything fall infront of my eyes, Im not lying on my back, burnt, boiling hot and gasping. The rooms, not full of strangers I can only hear and not seen because my eye lids are burnt shut... And I can smell flowers instead of that stomach churning disinfectent. This is all I have left of this time... memories. No scars, limps or visible handicaps. They said I was lucky. I now say 'do not resusitate'. Well thats what my medical says anyway. I'll fight my own battles and if I loose it shall be on my head. If I return with mear cuts, bruises and breaks then I deem it a victory. Ive stood at mirrors in bus stations at 4am sunday mornings and looked at my reflection, past the smears and rust leaking from the screws. Spat blood into the sink and began accessing the damage. Ive walked home in the rain with torn ligaments and cracked ribs only to get in and sew my eyebrow closed before the swelling makes it unbearable. Ive lost teeth, friends and my mind but nothing comes close to what you took away from me. Something Ive yet to decypher yet something vital to my existence. I havent loved you for a long, long time. So long I cant remember a time when i did. But that doesnt bother me. What bothers me is that fact I feel like I'll never love again. I feel bitter, cold and hostile. Unwanted and unmissed... and thats why I lie here. Not moving, crying and with this bitter taste in my mouth.

Its still raining outside but Ive begain to look past the droplettes and focus on a faint reflection of someone Im not sure I know. His left eye it almost closed and a merky shade of purple and red. The blood from his nose has run down his split swolen lips and had boldly highlighted his teeth with a rust brown. The thin glinting of light running up his cheek ends just below 5 tiny slightly scewif black x's under his eyebrow. I strain and with a biting almost stabbing pain roll onto my back. Releved I can move, yet still feeling somewhat lathargic I drop my head to look at the floor. I can see my breath and Im begining to shiver. I cant tell whether its relief of amazment that I actully feel alive. Maybe its niether. Looking at the far window I can make out a scribble in the mist on the glass... "It cant rain all the time"
I toy with the possible notion that she wrote it but then remember it was me. I pull myself up. Get dressed and begin another day. Just like I began the last. Cold, bruised and with a faint smile on my face.


(Make of this, what you will. As you can tell my mind begins to wander when Im in this kind of state of mind. But please, leave comments and thoughts...I could really do with someones point on view)


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