affy

I feel absolutely repulsed, with no direction. I feel gross, unhealthy, unstable. I somehow feel ridiculously motivated but with no direction. Useless. I feel like I havent felt attractive in a long time. I feel like I could have crazy dirty fun and I have no way of putting that into effect.

Devious.

Ive gotten to the point where I am afraid to go to work. Nights before I work I feel practically in shock. I cant sleep, cant eat, and the drive there is manic. I get there and Im afraid to talk. I dont know who I can trust and who I cant. Well, I guess thats assuming I still can trust anyone there. If I do what one person asks, another one gets angry. No matter when Im the fucking scapegoat.

I'm just not myself.

I started applying around for a second job. Not like I have a life, might as well work instead of pretend.

Change is so far away. And even then, Im so scared. Not of moving itself, Im just scared about money. So much to save in so little time. Nevermind. Pointless to tell strangers.


Im a bit deranged, m'dear.