I think Ive hit a new low. A new level of alone. Am I asexual?
Work has become increasingly more difficult to pretend to go along with what everyone says. I find it hard for me to stand my ground against things I know are wrong. I find myself just not caring anymore. Whatever, walk all over me. As long as I get that paycheck...
I havent made any friends. I actually find myself finding more happiness when I piss random people off. I havent had a best friend in a long time. A decade, I would say. Am I incapable of being close to people?
I guess my relationship is this way too. Im incapable of pleasing. I feel like I serve no real purpose but holding us back. Am I ruining both our lives? I feel like it. I keep hearing things as, "You should go home." Why cant I make anyone happy? Least of all myself? Im 20 years old. Where should I be at this point in my life? I thought this is where Im supposed to be. But, everything is so wrong. Should I change everything? I dont deal with confusion well. Im miserable.
Most of my days are spent in a daze. Not paying attention, routine, robotic. The past two months or so have been like this. Nothing memorable, nothing stands out. Just days like today over and over again. I cant find reason to wake up.
Pointless. Tomorrow will be pointless. Wake up. Work. Sleep. Routine.
Ill be in Chicago for 6 days next month. Im already anticipating crying when I have to come back. Heh, I remember crying on my way here, but because I was so happy and excited. New beginnings. Now, just new reasons to think my judgement is always wrong. What everyone else tells me sounds so much better than what my mind is telling me.
I dont know.
Work has become increasingly more difficult to pretend to go along with what everyone says. I find it hard for me to stand my ground against things I know are wrong. I find myself just not caring anymore. Whatever, walk all over me. As long as I get that paycheck...
I havent made any friends. I actually find myself finding more happiness when I piss random people off. I havent had a best friend in a long time. A decade, I would say. Am I incapable of being close to people?
I guess my relationship is this way too. Im incapable of pleasing. I feel like I serve no real purpose but holding us back. Am I ruining both our lives? I feel like it. I keep hearing things as, "You should go home." Why cant I make anyone happy? Least of all myself? Im 20 years old. Where should I be at this point in my life? I thought this is where Im supposed to be. But, everything is so wrong. Should I change everything? I dont deal with confusion well. Im miserable.
Most of my days are spent in a daze. Not paying attention, routine, robotic. The past two months or so have been like this. Nothing memorable, nothing stands out. Just days like today over and over again. I cant find reason to wake up.
Pointless. Tomorrow will be pointless. Wake up. Work. Sleep. Routine.
Ill be in Chicago for 6 days next month. Im already anticipating crying when I have to come back. Heh, I remember crying on my way here, but because I was so happy and excited. New beginnings. Now, just new reasons to think my judgement is always wrong. What everyone else tells me sounds so much better than what my mind is telling me.
I dont know.
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Take heart in the happiness you gain from pissin' random people off. I'm not allowed to respond with my true feelin's when patrons open their mouths because that gets me in trouble. Every now and then though a patron comes in already mad and I'm able to poke at them just a bit to set them off. A big reason for stayin' at my job is because of the rare chance that I'm present when a patron gets upset and I get to be a part of it.
Anyway, that's all I've got.