My story begins eight and a half years ago in late 2005, when I left the States for 12 month deployment to Baghdad. At the time I was dating a girl named "Lana," whom at the time was the girl I had dated the longest. Three weeks into my 12 month deployment and she already got jittery. Five weeks later I go home on leave and she breaks up with me. We get back together before I leave for Iraq again and she breaks up with me a couple months later... again. In 2009 I meet a woman, and the next year we marry. Late 2011 I leave for
Afghanistan, and in October 2012 my wife leaves me via e-mail, two months before I come home. I spend the next year being dragged through an incredibly miserable and malicious divorce.
Suffice to say, with all of the other relationships I've had before and between those two, my heart was closed off at this point. I have never ended any relationship I have been in. I’ve never cheated, been abusive, or neglectful. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I am saying that I’m an incredible guy to be with, who shows endless amounts of love, care, kindness, and compassion. Even after a fight, I will still calm down and tell her “I love you.” After my ex-wife, though, I could take no more.
So when I met my (now) ex-girlfriend “Jade” earlier this year I wasn’t expecting anything to develop. I’d flirt with her when I’d visit her comic book shop down in Austin (and hour south of where I live), and she’d be friendly in return (she later told me she was nervous every time I came in), but I thought nothing of it. In April things took a surprising turn: she showed interest in me. Though she was dating someone at the time, we talked and got to know each other. This is when I learned why she needed out of her relationship.
Her boyfriend “Freddy”, whom she had been off & on with for the past six to seven years, was as mediocre as they come, and had never truly appreciated her. He had convinced her to move in together, despite her misgivings, and once she was in and on the lease he failed to meet his financial obligations. I soon met him in person at an art event where Jade was participating. At the end of the event each artist’s work was up for auction, where the proceeds would go to charity. Her boyfriend didn’t even bid on her piece. I did, and I took it home. The following night I took her out for a belated birthday celebration. It was an incredible day to say the absolute least. She told me that no one had EVER done anything as thoughtful for her as I had that day. As the night went on we got closer and closer. Walking closely turned into holding hands. Then later, we kissed. And we kissed again. The night progressed and we all but fell in love with each other, sharing our deepest emotions over heartfelt conversation and expressions of affection.
But as is always the case in my life there was a storm coming. The following Monday I had to leave for Germany for two and a half months, and if you remember the beginning of this story then you know why I was filled with dread and concern. We began our relationship two days after her birthday celebration. She had done long distance before, and so I was more at ease when I had to leave this time. Two weeks into being gone everything was great. But two and a half weeks in, things were not.
She broke up with me, citing a feeling of having moved too fast, skipping over the becoming friends part. She told me that she had a pattern in her life, that she would enter into a new relationship immediately after ending one, and that she didn’t want this to be a part of that pattern, that she wanted to break it. I hurt, and I wasn’t happy, but I obliged. I loved Jade, genuinely, and if I needed to do this to help her, to help us, then I would do it. However, it wasn’t long before everything became suspect. The way she spoke with me became more hostile, for lack of a better word. And she seemed to be spending a lot of time with a guy named “Ryan.” Turns out he was the “friend” she moved in with, after having left the apartment she shared with Freddy. And they seemed to be getting closer than I was comfortable with, as far as I could tell through Facebook and such. It was maddening, and it eventually helped drive me to my breaking point.
Eight and a half straight years of losing what’s most important to me because I had to leave for the Army was enough. More than just romantic relationships, but those are honestly the biggest part for me. I had hit my limit, and I had a break down. I was sent home early, and I was finally home in my house on the 10th of June. I would see Jade that Friday, on my birthday, and speak to her for the first time since before I left Germany.
I told her my story, leaving nothing out. By the end her stance was the same: we’re friends, and that I shouldn’t necessarily expect anything more to develop; if it happens, it happens, and if not then it doesn’t. Mine was that my feelings for her haven’t changed just because of a change in our “relationship status,” and that while I remain friends with her, I still want a relationship. She hugged me very tightly, and held it for a while, telling me “It was wonderful to see [me].” Twice more before leaving (with Ryan) she hugged me, each close and tight. It felt good, and for a while I thought that things might be looking up.
But I was foolish. For someone who is just a friend, Ryan is incredibly familiar. Both he and Jade being into video games and other geeky things he bought “his & her” Zelda swords for his (very bachelor-esque) apartment. He also surprised her by sending flowers to her at work anonymously; when Jade posted a picture of them online he commented “Glad you like them, babe. :)” She’s always with him; hell, they live together. This is obviously something that extends beyond simple friendship. And I’m certain they’re intimate.
So why tell this story? What’s the point? And where does the insecurity of women come into play? Well, I’ll tell you. You see, I believe all of this... every last bit of it... has to do with Jade’s insecurity. And here’s why.
I’ve learned from women, both from experience and from women telling me so themselves, that when they are with men who treat them poorly they begin to believe they don’t deserve any better. Freddy, having been her main lover for the past six or so years, definitely did not treat her like a queen. He wasn’t horrible, I don’t believe, but he wasn’t even good, and he didn’t appreciate her, let alone show her any appreciation. I came along and swept her off her feet. I’m much kinder, more outgoing, funnier, MUCH more loving, and definitely way better looking. She got a taste of the life I wanted to offer her, one of unlimited affection, thoughtfulness, care, consideration, kindness, and love. And she felt happy with a man for the first time in a very long time. But I left, and she couldn’t take the separation (this she admitted Friday, after denying it the day she broke up with me). But why? She had been able to do it before? Why was it different with me?
Because before she had only experienced separation from second rate men. With me it was different. She couldn’t take feeling like she had just lost what she had always wanted in a man. And in time all of those insecurities seeped back in. Had I been home, I would have been there to show her that love and affection she deserved, but now again felt like she didn’t. Had I never had to leave, none of this would have happened. But it did. And she couldn’t take it. And insecurity in a woman is a dangerous thing. It makes them feel like they don’t deserve something good for them. So they push it away. They make excuses:
-You’re too nice
-You’re too good
-We should just be friends
-I’m not ready for a relationship
And the list goes on. All the reasons she told me she broke up with me were ancillary to the truth: she felt insecure. The rest was just a bunch of lines to make it about something else. Feeling lonely and insecure, and needing a new place to live as living with Freddy was out of the question at this point, she turned to someone who was available: Ryan.
Ryan is a snake. When Jade was dating Freddy, I met him, looked him the eye, and shook his hand, like a god damned man. Ryan waited until she felt insecure and the man she was with before was in another country across an ocean. When he saw me at the comic book store on Friday, he never even looked me in the eye, or introduced himself. I’m not excusing Jade of her part in this. But I need to point out that I was at least a man about things; Ryan was a snake, and he has to live with that.
Somehow she came to live with him, and from there things went downhill. She had someone available to give her affection, attention, and intimacy. While he’s second-rate (as fuck), he was available, and to the insecure woman quality is of no concern; what’s available is. She doesn’t label herself as being in a relationship, herself as his girlfriend, or he as her boyfriend. On the contrary, she is adamant about hashtagging her posts of fun times with #singlelife. But the facts are clear:
-she lives with him
-she is affectionate towards him
-they spend an incredible amount of time alone together
-he is quite affectionate towards her
-they are very likely sleeping together
I don’t know about you, but that’s not roommates. That’s not even friends. No, that’s a damn relationship. And so she hasn’t broken her pattern, really. She thinks that by simply not calling it a relationship it isn’t, and that she’s magically changed up her life by finding a loophole. But that’s not how it works, and my friend “Tammy” would have none of it. So she messaged Jade online and called her out. And what was Jade’s response? Not to refute Tammy’s claims of her having something more than friendly with Ryan, not to admit that she’s deceived me, not to explain in detail how Tammy was wrong and prove her to be reading into things. No. It was to become ultra-defensive, and never own up to her actions. She even tried to avoid it so much that she threatened to never speak with me again if Tammy messaged her even one more time. Jade also told me that Tammy (my “cunty so called best friend”) probably most likely just ruined shit between us, “friends or not whatever the fuck this is.” Knowing she meant full well that she was referring to Tammy calling her out for sleeping with Ryan, which she never denied, and believed she would tell me, she never explained to me that’s what she meant. Instead she pawned the responsibility off on Tammy and said that she had disrespected her, said some things she did not like, and that if Tammy didn’t “keep her mouth shut and her nose out of [her] god damn business then shit between [Jade & I] is done.”
Over the next two days Jade’s posts on Twitter (which Tammy couldn’t see) and Facebook (which she COULD see) were all about that conversation. Samples:
Twitter - Ppl get way to butt hurt abt wat they see on social media websites. Where are the days where ppl can have fun & not have others assume shit
Facebook - People assume too much shit. Just because im having fun, hanging out with friends, cooking great food and drinkin brews annnnd playing video games instead of doing my hair, painting my nails and doing typical stereo typical girl shit doesnt mean im being a slut mcslut, whore, bitch who is sleeping around. Wth is wrong with some people. And how does one judge and assume that of me based on my facebook in which I dont post personal stuff on?! The fuck?! Gah, -end rant. Smh
For all of her talk about not dealing with drama or caring about what Tammy said, she sure did have a lot to say. And for good reason: Tammy was right, and Jade didn’t like that she had been called out for being deceitful, and honestly being a bad person. Instead of owning up to the fact that she had broken up with me under false pretenses, and that she was very much in a relationship with Ryan, she labeled Tammy a lot of bad names, and ranted about what she does in her personal life is her own business. She just refuses to own up to it all. But again... why?
Insecurity. (What did you think I was going to say?) She knows she fucked up. I came back, and she had to deal with me in person. She knows what I’m made of, what I’m worth, and how incredible being with me is. And truthfully, I think she regrets breaking up with me. But she’s stubborn; she refuses to be wrong. She’s committed to proving to no one that matters that she’s right about what she’s doing, and now she’s upping the ante by being more abrasive about it, just to make a point. She’s going to ride this train to the bitter end, and she’s going to miss out on a ton of incredible experiences, and the best relationship she could have ever had.
Her insecurity has led her down a dark path, where doesn’t feel like she deserves someone as incredible as me. How many times have you been with someone you felt was “out of your league” and felt scared that someone who “deserved them more than you,” someone in their league, would take them away from you? If you’ve ever been insecure in a relationship, you’ve more than likely experienced that feeling. So what did you wind up doing? You settled for someone you felt like you were better than, and being insecure you had to sink really low. That way you didn’t need to feel threatened by anyone else; who the hell would dare invade your territory if you were the one on top in your relationship? At least that’s what Jade did. Like so many insecure women she’s decided to settle for a second... nay... fourth-rate guy who she’ll never have to worry about feeling she’s not worthy of.
I know some of this may come off as big-headed and egotistical. But really, I’m a great guy to be with. Don’t believe me? Take me up on it. I’ll have you breaking up with me because I’m “too good” or some other similar nonsense in no time. Wouldn’t be the first time, that’s for sure.
Insecurity in women makes them drive the men they say they’ve always wanted away, just so they can complain about how there are no good men out there. And admittedly, men can be insecure and do the same thing. But my personal experience has been a string of women leaving me for reasons I will never understand. At this point I’ve just realized that I need to accept that I will never be appreciated, and to never expect it. That way, I won’t allow myself to open up again, and therefore won’t get hurt.
At this point, it really is the only way.
