Hey look: it's another "I've been gone so here's why" blogs.
I find most of them to be filled with "I've been SO busy," telling us all tales of wonder and excitement. This, my friends, is anything but.
I've been overcome by crippling depression brought on by about every factor you can name in my life with one exception: Ichi & Mr. Bond. No, really. There isn't an aspect of my life I'm happy with anymore with the sole exception being my two adorable, loving cats.
My job situation is a confounding mess of frustration, bureaucratic road blocks, and horrible luck. My job for the military is a combat job, leaving me with no translatable job skills for the civilian market. I also have been at this job since I was 20, and do not have a traditional 4 year degree, which employers in America blindly and ignorantly value above life experience. If I were to leave the military without changing my job I would be entering an already dog-eat-dog job market that's only gotten worse in the past few years, and even more so since the inception of ObamaCare. Besides, our culture screams a loud message about "supporting the troops," but does so little to back it up it's offensive to hear our names even evoked. Veterans are smothered in more harmful stigma than Carrie White under a bucket of pig's blood on prom night. No one wants to hire us because everyone thinks we're all crazy, rigid in our thinking, too aggressive, etc. We're simply passed over for what they already know: passive zombie grad students who know nothing of the world around them and can do one thing and one thing well... obey. So I try to change my job in the military, yet I'm constantly met with roadblock after roadblock. I'm almost 10 years into my "career," and once I hit 10 years any reenlistment will be considered "indefinite" meaning that I will be stuck until it's time to retire (20 years total). If I reenlist without having my job changed I'll be stuck doing something I'm tired of doing and offers me nothing on the outside. Without getting into military jargon I'll just say that I've been recently met with news that fucks me just such a way I can hardly believe it's real. But it is.
The process of my divorce becomes more and more convoluted and complicated by a malicious soon-to-be ex-wife and her incompetent, belligerent lawyer. Good credit is a thing of the past; over a year ago I had a zero balance on all of my accounts. After what the ex stole from me, and what I've had to throw at a lawyer because of her, I'm in over my head in undeserved debt that will take me years to pay off. I will have to work a job I hate for years to do nothing but work towards zero. Since I have to put so much of my monthly income towards debt I cant afford the pleasures of genuinely entertaining myself long enough to forget about how much I hate living, or do things like fix my car whose front piece is literally being held on with nothing less than a few zip ties cinching it to the frame.
I have no friends where I live, and making friends where I live is impossible, and since I can't afford the luxury of travel, making a network of friends that extends out of my current location is impossible as well. I'm stuck coming home alone to be alone. Every. Single. Day.
The prospect of having love again is so far from reach I don't know why I even think about it. I can't even make friends where I am. How am I supposed to meet someone to love and love me? I come with so much baggage anyway that I doubt anyone would have the patience to tolerate the wreck of a man I am. Besides, my history is wrought with women who have been nothing less than snakes in the grass, betraying me and hurting me out of nowhere, especially when I'm at my most vulnerable. My ex-wife was the worst, going so far as to actually ruining my life for no reason other than wanton malice. Why should I ever trust a woman again? They have only served to hurt me and make things worse for me.
Every day I'm met with something new to make things worse for me, even if it's in a small way. It's literally "always something."
And I'm tired.
I'm worn out and tired.
I hate hearing from people "Have you considered counseling?" Tell me: what will that accomplish for me? You know as well as I do that it will do nothing than offer the service of trying to make me feel better about my terrible life. I have problems counseling cannot fix. Is counseling going to make my terrible ex-wife disappear? Is it going to pay off the debt she unnecessarily made me incur? Is it going to give me a stable network of friends? What about a new job that doesn't make me miserable? Or what about a woman who won't hurt and betray me?
No. It will give me none of those things. It will simply try to make me feel better about getting fucked. So don't offer the idea. It's worthless and unwanted.
The truth is I don't really feel like sticking around much anymore. There's very little keeping me here. There's one thing and one thing only that's kept me around: Ichi & Mr. Bond. If I could find someone I could entrust their care to things would be a lot simpler for me. But god dammit if I can't trust just anyone. Those little guys mean too much to me for me to just leave them to anyone.
They're the best the world has to offer me.
They're literally all I've got.
