aenigma

i am updating on what some say is my life.

work:
i work 4-5 hours shifts just about every evening, 8 hours on saturday, and my usual 7 hours on sunday, which includes doing the books. ornament premiere is this weekend and everything that needs to get done is under control. they offered me a raise, promised me full time. i got my raise. i trained the night staff. i'm respected. and yet it's getting me nowhere. one week they'll give me 40 hours and the next 20.. even better yet.. 12. i can't give you any major complaints about work. a job's a job. but.. i dont knwo where i was going with this. work section completed.

school:
oh wait a minute, i dont go to school. mom is begging me to go back in the fall but that isn't really in my plans. i'm 21 years old, working at hallmark, living at home, and i have no idea what i want to do with my life except get the hell out of my parents house. thats my goal. i think short term.

personal:
'ive gained weight and looked at myself in the mirror the other day and though "god damnit, i'm fat again" i used to be "curvy", and i loved that. i'm kinda trying to cut back but.. i still love myself.. in a way.. and i feel almost hypocritical of myself. it's strange.
still have my faded burn/tan from vacation.
above all things personal, i wish my face wasn't pudgy. i hate gaining weight in my face.

social:
the social life comes and goes. i'm rarely home any evening. i call and call and find something to do, someone to smoke with, some bar to hit up, if i actually have money. sometimes i'm in high demand. sometimes i wish someone would just throw me a bone. lately i dont want to be alone, no matter how unpleasant the company.

health:
yeah my health has been fading for a while. i run myself way too thin and end up sleeping whenever i can. i do it to myself half the time. i'm on medication that exhausts me anyway, plus weed, and staying out late, standing at work all shift, and of course.. you know all the sex i have. i've cut back on smoking. we'll see how that goes. money's too tight to voluntarily kill myself right now. maybe next week.

nutrition:
the past 48 hours i have been LIVING off those pre-made pb&j sammiches with nmo crust. with milk, of course. but all the milk is gone, so i'm drinking water.. and eating a cookie. well i haven't eaten it yet but it's looking at me. i had pizza with oioiforthepunx tonight. drank cherry coke. i'm gunna die by the time i'm 30

random:
my fucking foot fell asleep and i'm trying to wake it back up

i fucking miss paul and i hate it.

i want a massage but i'm weird


i haaate paul... it's like... we never dated. like we never met.. like i'm some girl he blinked at once then looked the other way. i dont exist to him. i'm "the crazy ex-girlfriend"

i'm almost out of my milk and honey lotion and it's very upsetting


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and that concludes that. so you are all wonderful if you read this, and please, feel free to comment.. i'll be here for at least a few more months.

--lola