aeleven

Good morning. Good day-afternoon-night. Hi.

When do you get to say I love you?

I love you my suicide friends. I was going to name names, but you all know who you are. I wonder how would things differ if we had first met face to face?

Tonight my world was rightly shaken and I do not know how I will bounce back, or how often I can play around here. I have done it again, it is of my own making, but I have found the corner of the room and I must wait and make my way out. I am scared shitless. My bank account is nil, my debt and my bills are piled high, and the government has decided to end my meager vacation. I have no where to turn, and no real prospects on the horizon. Sure people talk, the teamsters always say there's work coming in, and people tell you they'll keep their ears to the ground. I left a steady and well paying job 'cause it was crap and was treated that way. I worked on a great job for almost nothing and now that's what I get. I am no waste, I just want to work with good people and on a good project. I want to do something and get paid. Too much criteria? I suppose starting four hours ago, absolutely.

So I figured this out and suddenly it's Panicsville, USA. I'm pacing. I'm sweating. I'm hitting send, send, send and getting those resumes out. Fuck my bills, how am I going to pay the rent. Someone else is counting on me. Someone I love. What next? The phone rings...

I'm on the bus. (Pause, then some forgotten reply) C'mon, I'm taking you out for sushi. We're going to figure it out.

Goddamned I am lucky. Goddamned I am loved. And I bitch and I whine and act like a spoiled brat everyday. How did I luck out? What do I do? I need a kick in the head, a broken nose. My eyes should well with pain and fear and nausea. I do nothing to deserve this, I should be out on the street in a week.

Tomorrow, I get a job.

Don't yell too loudly if I peek around here, just don't let me stay too long.