The only thing worse than finding out that a girl doesn't really like you is realizing that you don't really like her... ok, well that is not exactly true -- being rejected is worse -- but the way I wrote makes a better opening to my journal.
Last night I went to Ceremony with Sid as I do every Monday. We started off by getting sushi at Ginza in our goth clothes and then headed over to the club. To my surprise, Sarah(2) was there (with Salo777). She came over and sat next to me and bought me a drink. She was alternating acting hot and cold towards me, I'm not really sure what was going on. TheFullNelson was there and he suggested that maybe I was following her around too much and being too clingy. I don't think I was but every time she got up, to get a cigarette or to get a drink, she would say, "come outside with me" or "let's get a drink" and so I did. And when I wouldn't, she'd ask me later, "where did you go?". TheFullNelson said that was a good thing, so I decided to play it cool. I dunno, I guess I get jealous easily too, and when I saw her buying a drink for Adam and not for me, I got worried. But then it turns out that Adam bought the drink for her and she was trying to buy me a drink but she couldn't find me, heh. Later on I saw her flirting with TheFullNelson. Now even though I told him that it was ok, he still insists that he won't pursue her because he knows how much I like her. Anyways, she asked to exchange phone numbers with him later but something happens, she gets frustrated and they don't end up doing it. As he leaves to go home he makes me promise that I won't give her his phone number if she asks. I'm not exactly sure why he insisted on this, but I respected his wishes.
After Ceremony we went across the street to the dive bar which was open another hour (till 2am, Ceremony closes at 1am). I wanted to talk to Sarah about TheFullNelson and what had happened there (he had asked me to ask her a question, I did, and she reacted oddly), but I didn't get the chance to talk to her privately and I don't think she wanted to talk about it either. Josh, Salo, Sarah and I were sitting around a table chatting. I had stopped drinking at Ceremony, but I think Sarah was getting a little tipsy which is surprising because she has a very high tolerance. Anyways, I've decided I like her much better when she is sober. She often gets angry, stubborn, and irritable when drunk. Sarah was commenting on the sketchy guys in the bar and she pointed a guy out and said, "That guy... I bet he raped 3 girls on the way here." Josh, Salo and I chuckled. I pointed out that that was funny because the "rape stairs" were right nearby. Bad thing to say. Now the "rape stairs" is a dark staircase leading under a bridge and every BU woman knows not to go down them alone at night because there are stories of guys hiding beneath them and attacking women. Unfortunately, Sarah did not know this and thought that I was making a joke about the very serious issue of rape. So she just went off, yelling and lecturing me, "you'll never know what is like as a man to have someone forced on you... so many of my close friends have been raped. how dare make a joke like that...etc." After living with Sara(1), I wouldn't exactly say that I'm insensitive to the issue, and I knew when I should just apologize and shut up. Unfortunately, Josh and Salo thought it was funny and starting making comments like "you know, guys can get raped too!" Sarah was so offended by that comment that she spit right in Salo's face!
It also seemed that the more they said the more Sarah got pissed at *me*, so I did my best to change the subject but we were left with uncomfortable silence. Possibly the *worst subject ever* to talk about in a bar while drinking. Actually, no, the incest conversation with Erika (which thankfully I had no part in) was probably worse, but this was not a good topic either.
Sarah calmed down and realized what she had done to Salo and apologized profusely to him and gave him a hug and said, "I can't believe I just spit in my friend's face! I love you, you know that, I'm sorry!" It was interesting because she was still pissed at me at this point, even though I hadn't been saying anything. I was beginning to get frustrated now too, although I tried my best to just let it slide. There was no point in arguing about it at that time.
The bar was closing and everyone wanted to go get some food at Dennys (which was the original plan before we somehow ended up at the bar), but no one actually knew where Dennys were. I suggested IHOP instead, although I was a little irritated and wasn't really in the mood to go get food. It seems that I was the only one that knew how to get IHOP though and Sid wanted to go so we got in our cars and I led the way. At this point it was me, Sid, Sarah, Salo, EmoMike, Josh, and Greg. Sid and I had a serious discussion in the car and I wasn't really paying attention and apparently I was driving too fast because when I arrived at IHOP I found I had a voicemail on my phone from Sarah ranting on for several minutes on how I was being too "speedracer" and driving too fast, lol. I saved the message cause it's so funny.
As I got into the IHOP parking lot I got a phone call from TheFullNelson. He reiterated that I shouldn't give Sarah his phone number, and that if she wanted it, she should ask for it herself. We talked about Sarah some more and what happened at the bar. He's a great guy. It was good to talk to him and I did feel a little better although a little emo afterwards.
Everyone else was inside, but I didn't want any food and it smelled really bad in there so I just hung out outside. They ended up getting the food to go so we went off to Josh's house to eat it. Now Josh happens to be Shoes's roommate (who is Sarah's kind-of very-recent ex) so she was concerned but Josh told him that Shoes would be asleep so it would be ok. We hung out in his living room while Sarah force fed me pancakes (ugh!) and talked. I laid down on the arm of the couch to rest a moment and Sarah sat next to me and leaned over and laid on top of me. I put my arms around her. I suppose it was sort of a surprise, but I was comfortable and it made me happy for the moment. She snuggled in under my arm and ended up falling asleep like that. Then Josh got up and went to bed too. I was now after 4:30am and we all had work the next day. Waking Sarah up was an ordeal. I got up and she plopped over onto the couch still asleep. We tried to wake her quietly but she just mumbled and didn't budge. Normally we would just leave her there since she had a car, but if Shoes woke up in the morning and found her sleeping there, well, it would be a *very bad thing*. So we began tapping her on the shoulder to wake her and she just responded with a "Don't touch me!" or a "Stop it!". Obviously she was awake, but too lazy to get up. Five guys there and we were all too wussy to wake her because no one wanted to incur her wrath.
Eventually I decided I would do it so I scooped her up into my arms and began to carry her to the door. "Put me down! Put me down! It's dangerous," she yelled. I did, but this time onto her feet. Now she was awake and had no excuse to go back to the coach. She grabbed her coat, walked out without a word, got in her car and drove away. I know she wasn't really angry, just utterly exhausted and she'll probably thank me later for not letting her sleep at Shoes's apartment.
Now I'm at work the next day, trying to figure out what I should make of last night. On the way home Salo quietly chuckled to himself as he recalled the events of that evening (and I haven't even written all the oddness here - just the stuff relevant to me). I still do like Sarah, and every other time we hang out we have an awesome time together. It's just sometimes like this, things go astray and I still end up having fun, but not as much fun or exactly the kind of fun I expected. The way Sarah behaved last night made me feel, I dunno, less interested in her. She was unhinged, unpredictable, angry, and incredibly stubborn. This is the Sarah that smashed Shoes's tennis racket and threw it at his house. This is the hypocritical Sarah that there is no reasoning with. Some girls like to boss guys around, but don't respect them if they give in to their demands. Other girls want guys to be obiedent. I don't think either way works with Sarah. Shoes was a nice guy - he was obedient and tried to do everything right, but look at what happened to him. Also I don't really trust her. And could I date someone who I didn't trust?
The only man she talked with any warmth about last night was her ex-bf who dumped her a few months ago. The guy who she still believes she is destined to be with. Not because she has a particularly great time with him but because he is the only guy that makes her heart race. The only guy that makes her feel alive, blah blah, whatever. I wonder if thats because he really is uniquely suited to her, or if its just because they were together for so long. What do you think?
Now I know that a lot of you are just going to say "give up on her, you can do better, she sounds like a nutjob" and you probably are right. But I don't think I'm going to, especially since I don't know if she is even the slightest bit interested in me. I'd like to find that out, to see if there is any potential there, and then maybe, whether I like it or not, the decision will be made for me. There is a part of me that knows that she can't really be that interested in me, because if she were there would be some kind of sign. She would try to be alone with me, or pay more attention to me, or flirt with me more. Then again, sometimes she does do these things, but she's never kissed me. Again, I haven't kissed her either although I've come close. A question for the girls - how do you behave around a guy you like? And are there guys out there that maybe you'd consider dating if you knew they liked you, but would never go out of your way to try to attract because you aren't sure?
Right now my plan is to call her up and ask her to hang out on Wednesday. No, not a date. Just a casual, "lets get some drinks." I don't think it will be awkward even if it is just her and I. I really want to talk to her -- I think I need to talk to her. I think we know each other well enough and it's been long enough that it won't be awkward.
Last night I went to Ceremony with Sid as I do every Monday. We started off by getting sushi at Ginza in our goth clothes and then headed over to the club. To my surprise, Sarah(2) was there (with Salo777). She came over and sat next to me and bought me a drink. She was alternating acting hot and cold towards me, I'm not really sure what was going on. TheFullNelson was there and he suggested that maybe I was following her around too much and being too clingy. I don't think I was but every time she got up, to get a cigarette or to get a drink, she would say, "come outside with me" or "let's get a drink" and so I did. And when I wouldn't, she'd ask me later, "where did you go?". TheFullNelson said that was a good thing, so I decided to play it cool. I dunno, I guess I get jealous easily too, and when I saw her buying a drink for Adam and not for me, I got worried. But then it turns out that Adam bought the drink for her and she was trying to buy me a drink but she couldn't find me, heh. Later on I saw her flirting with TheFullNelson. Now even though I told him that it was ok, he still insists that he won't pursue her because he knows how much I like her. Anyways, she asked to exchange phone numbers with him later but something happens, she gets frustrated and they don't end up doing it. As he leaves to go home he makes me promise that I won't give her his phone number if she asks. I'm not exactly sure why he insisted on this, but I respected his wishes.
After Ceremony we went across the street to the dive bar which was open another hour (till 2am, Ceremony closes at 1am). I wanted to talk to Sarah about TheFullNelson and what had happened there (he had asked me to ask her a question, I did, and she reacted oddly), but I didn't get the chance to talk to her privately and I don't think she wanted to talk about it either. Josh, Salo, Sarah and I were sitting around a table chatting. I had stopped drinking at Ceremony, but I think Sarah was getting a little tipsy which is surprising because she has a very high tolerance. Anyways, I've decided I like her much better when she is sober. She often gets angry, stubborn, and irritable when drunk. Sarah was commenting on the sketchy guys in the bar and she pointed a guy out and said, "That guy... I bet he raped 3 girls on the way here." Josh, Salo and I chuckled. I pointed out that that was funny because the "rape stairs" were right nearby. Bad thing to say. Now the "rape stairs" is a dark staircase leading under a bridge and every BU woman knows not to go down them alone at night because there are stories of guys hiding beneath them and attacking women. Unfortunately, Sarah did not know this and thought that I was making a joke about the very serious issue of rape. So she just went off, yelling and lecturing me, "you'll never know what is like as a man to have someone forced on you... so many of my close friends have been raped. how dare make a joke like that...etc." After living with Sara(1), I wouldn't exactly say that I'm insensitive to the issue, and I knew when I should just apologize and shut up. Unfortunately, Josh and Salo thought it was funny and starting making comments like "you know, guys can get raped too!" Sarah was so offended by that comment that she spit right in Salo's face!
It also seemed that the more they said the more Sarah got pissed at *me*, so I did my best to change the subject but we were left with uncomfortable silence. Possibly the *worst subject ever* to talk about in a bar while drinking. Actually, no, the incest conversation with Erika (which thankfully I had no part in) was probably worse, but this was not a good topic either.
Sarah calmed down and realized what she had done to Salo and apologized profusely to him and gave him a hug and said, "I can't believe I just spit in my friend's face! I love you, you know that, I'm sorry!" It was interesting because she was still pissed at me at this point, even though I hadn't been saying anything. I was beginning to get frustrated now too, although I tried my best to just let it slide. There was no point in arguing about it at that time.
The bar was closing and everyone wanted to go get some food at Dennys (which was the original plan before we somehow ended up at the bar), but no one actually knew where Dennys were. I suggested IHOP instead, although I was a little irritated and wasn't really in the mood to go get food. It seems that I was the only one that knew how to get IHOP though and Sid wanted to go so we got in our cars and I led the way. At this point it was me, Sid, Sarah, Salo, EmoMike, Josh, and Greg. Sid and I had a serious discussion in the car and I wasn't really paying attention and apparently I was driving too fast because when I arrived at IHOP I found I had a voicemail on my phone from Sarah ranting on for several minutes on how I was being too "speedracer" and driving too fast, lol. I saved the message cause it's so funny.
As I got into the IHOP parking lot I got a phone call from TheFullNelson. He reiterated that I shouldn't give Sarah his phone number, and that if she wanted it, she should ask for it herself. We talked about Sarah some more and what happened at the bar. He's a great guy. It was good to talk to him and I did feel a little better although a little emo afterwards.
Everyone else was inside, but I didn't want any food and it smelled really bad in there so I just hung out outside. They ended up getting the food to go so we went off to Josh's house to eat it. Now Josh happens to be Shoes's roommate (who is Sarah's kind-of very-recent ex) so she was concerned but Josh told him that Shoes would be asleep so it would be ok. We hung out in his living room while Sarah force fed me pancakes (ugh!) and talked. I laid down on the arm of the couch to rest a moment and Sarah sat next to me and leaned over and laid on top of me. I put my arms around her. I suppose it was sort of a surprise, but I was comfortable and it made me happy for the moment. She snuggled in under my arm and ended up falling asleep like that. Then Josh got up and went to bed too. I was now after 4:30am and we all had work the next day. Waking Sarah up was an ordeal. I got up and she plopped over onto the couch still asleep. We tried to wake her quietly but she just mumbled and didn't budge. Normally we would just leave her there since she had a car, but if Shoes woke up in the morning and found her sleeping there, well, it would be a *very bad thing*. So we began tapping her on the shoulder to wake her and she just responded with a "Don't touch me!" or a "Stop it!". Obviously she was awake, but too lazy to get up. Five guys there and we were all too wussy to wake her because no one wanted to incur her wrath.
Eventually I decided I would do it so I scooped her up into my arms and began to carry her to the door. "Put me down! Put me down! It's dangerous," she yelled. I did, but this time onto her feet. Now she was awake and had no excuse to go back to the coach. She grabbed her coat, walked out without a word, got in her car and drove away. I know she wasn't really angry, just utterly exhausted and she'll probably thank me later for not letting her sleep at Shoes's apartment.
Now I'm at work the next day, trying to figure out what I should make of last night. On the way home Salo quietly chuckled to himself as he recalled the events of that evening (and I haven't even written all the oddness here - just the stuff relevant to me). I still do like Sarah, and every other time we hang out we have an awesome time together. It's just sometimes like this, things go astray and I still end up having fun, but not as much fun or exactly the kind of fun I expected. The way Sarah behaved last night made me feel, I dunno, less interested in her. She was unhinged, unpredictable, angry, and incredibly stubborn. This is the Sarah that smashed Shoes's tennis racket and threw it at his house. This is the hypocritical Sarah that there is no reasoning with. Some girls like to boss guys around, but don't respect them if they give in to their demands. Other girls want guys to be obiedent. I don't think either way works with Sarah. Shoes was a nice guy - he was obedient and tried to do everything right, but look at what happened to him. Also I don't really trust her. And could I date someone who I didn't trust?
The only man she talked with any warmth about last night was her ex-bf who dumped her a few months ago. The guy who she still believes she is destined to be with. Not because she has a particularly great time with him but because he is the only guy that makes her heart race. The only guy that makes her feel alive, blah blah, whatever. I wonder if thats because he really is uniquely suited to her, or if its just because they were together for so long. What do you think?
Now I know that a lot of you are just going to say "give up on her, you can do better, she sounds like a nutjob" and you probably are right. But I don't think I'm going to, especially since I don't know if she is even the slightest bit interested in me. I'd like to find that out, to see if there is any potential there, and then maybe, whether I like it or not, the decision will be made for me. There is a part of me that knows that she can't really be that interested in me, because if she were there would be some kind of sign. She would try to be alone with me, or pay more attention to me, or flirt with me more. Then again, sometimes she does do these things, but she's never kissed me. Again, I haven't kissed her either although I've come close. A question for the girls - how do you behave around a guy you like? And are there guys out there that maybe you'd consider dating if you knew they liked you, but would never go out of your way to try to attract because you aren't sure?
Right now my plan is to call her up and ask her to hang out on Wednesday. No, not a date. Just a casual, "lets get some drinks." I don't think it will be awkward even if it is just her and I. I really want to talk to her -- I think I need to talk to her. I think we know each other well enough and it's been long enough that it won't be awkward.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
"Fortes Fortuna Juvat!" (translation Fortune Favors the Bold)
Ask her on a date or just come right out and ask her if she's interested. That way if she says no you can be all emo for a few days and move along.
spooky.