Where did I go wrong? I'm feeling very emo today and maybe even a little bit deppresed. I think I'm going to stay emo all week. I have a horribly low self-esteem. This needs to be remedied. I'm going to expound upon the drunken rant I wrote last night. Be prepared for the longest journal entry EVER!
Those of you who read my journal will remember Sarah, the girl I met in at ManRay back in early July. Some of you have actually met her in real life. For those of you who don't remrrember, I'll summarize my history with her. Everyone else can skip the next few paragraphs and jumpy down to the dots "..."
I met Sarah one night at ManRay in the unisex bathroom about 2 months ago. I was a bit drunk at the time (as was she) but she was cute and seemed like a lot of fun. My sister was with me at the time as was my friend Dave and Sarah was hanging with her friend Salo777. (Yes, thats also the night I first met Salo).
After the club closed the five of us got some pizza and went back to my friend Shawn's house. Shawn was away on vacation and I was housesitting for him. We hung out at his place and drank all night. I liked Sarah right away and I did my best to try and let her know by flirting with her, I wanted her to know that I was interested and not end up on the friendship ladder which had been happened to me a lot recently. It didn't help that for the first few hours she thought I was gay, although we cleared that up pretty quickly. I think I tried to kiss her a few times but she was hesistant. I remember her saying, "Do you want me to respect you tomorrow and hang out with you again?" I remember actually being happy that she said that. I'm not really looking for a one-night stand -- I'm looking for something longer term and I appreciated the fact that she didn't just want to hook up with some random guy she just met. (Although perhaps she was just saying that cause she wasn't that attracted me). We ended up passing out on the couch. The next day as she left, she asked me for my phone number and we exchanged digits. I never called her because I knew I would see her again at ManRay on Wednesday. Sure enough, I did. In fact we hung out at ManRay a few times that week. I learned pretty quickly that she had just been dumped by her long distance bf of four and a half years. Every time I saw her, we drank, we danced, and flirted. I thought things were going well. Enter Shoes. Without getting into details she ended up starting a casual relationship with him. It was a rebound relationship and she said from the start that it wasn't serious and it wasn't going to last. At that point I pretty much gave up but decided to wait it out and see what happened. I didn't think she was ready for a relationship at that time and I didn't want to be the rebound guy anyways. She went away to Amsterdam for two weeks at the end of July and when she came back she was busy and I didn't see her for several weeks after she returned.
Sure enough Shoes and Sarah did break up about a week and a half ago. Right as this happened she began to contact me and ask for my advice. I should have realized right then that I was once again slipping into the "therapist" role with yet another woman. We started hanging out again and about a week ago I saw her for the first time in maybe 5 weeks.
...
Last Saturday Sarah, Salo and I hung out at a goth club in Lowell. The three of us ended up crashing her bed where Saran and I read Poe to each other.
Things seemed to be going really well.
A couple of days ago she offered to come help me paint my apartment. She was the only one of my friends who did, actually. So we spent most of Saturday painting and drinking beer. We ate dinner with my best friend Shawn and his gf Christina. I asked them what they thought of her and Christina said got the impression that Sarah was flirting with me (Touching me and so on) and they decided to leave us alone. Sarah told me that she had just gotten a hold of two tickets to NIN earlier that day and she invited me along with her. There were a lot of signs that somehow I was just on the friendship ladder though. She said on the phone later on that she had called some guy she was crushing on and that he had blown her off and she asked me if she could ask me for advice about it later. Thats a BIG sign that I'm just a friend
. So yeah, mixed signals. But the negative signals override the positive ones in this situation.
Later that evening she picked me up and drove me to Heroes, the new electro-80s/synthpop/new wave night DJed by the former ManRay DJ Gumbercules, I decided that since I wasn't driving for once that I was going to drink a lot. And I did. I saw my friend TheFullNelson there and told me that Sarah seems awesome and that I should go hit on her. He had met her before and he knew that I liked her and acknowledged that the guy code kept him from the flirting with her himself. I told him that it didn't look like it was going anywhere so I gave him the go-ahead to go hit on her. TheFullNelson is a great guy and he is in a shitty situation and he really deserves to have an awesome gf that treats him with respect. But still, it's hard to see Sarah with other men. I don't know why I insist on martyring myself. They danced a bit and later Sarah came up to me and said, "TheFullNelson is kind of cute. I don't know what it is. Maybe because he dated Jen or something, I dunno." I agreed that he was an awesome guy. At that point I suddenly turned emo and she noticed it in my face right away. I was also a bit drunk at the time. I went to go sit at the bar and I remember Sarah sitting next to me. I don't remember exactly but either TheFullNelson or I had said something to her about the guy code and she asked me about it. "What is this guy code," she questioned. I explained that she didn't have to worry, that I gave him the go-ahead. She said, "I don't understand what you mean. It would only be an issue if there was another guy that liked me, but where is the other guy that likes me?" Slowly, she put two and two together... "Wait, is it you? Mike. do *YOU* like me??" I didn't answer right away. Then I said, "Yes, I like you." but I waffled. I balked. I don't know if I took it back, or if she thought I was joking. I was drunk, I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I told her that I was drunk and that I couldn't talk about this now. She reacted by saying, "If you do like me, then I would have treated you/behaved/acted differently." (I'm not sure which one she said)What is that supposed to mean? It such an ambiguous thing to say. (It reminds me a lot of when Erika said that she need to "re-integrate me" when she found out that I was straight.) Best case would mean that if she knew that I liked her that she treat me more like a datable guy, that she would at least think about whether we could work out. Worst case means that she would stop flirting with me and be more careful about leading me on. And to watch what she says about other men in my presence. I'm a pessimist. I tend to think its the worst case scenario, but I've been wrong before. Then she said, "Oh my, I lose so many friends this way..." I've heard that *so many* times and I fucking don't ever want to here it again. This is what really drives me to dislike women even though I know it isn't their fault. A guy like me tends to like girls only once he's gotten to know them. Sure, I see attractive women all the time, but since I'm looking for something a little more serious, it's only after I get to know them that I usually begin to crush. So yeah, I'm sure all you eligible women have lost lots of guy "friends" when you realize they like you in a different way. One of two things happen. Either the guy decides its too hard to be friends or doesn't want a "friend" relationship and then he stops hanging out with the girl and moves on and tries to find a girl who will like him in the way he wants to be liked. There is nothing wrong with that, but the guy is made to feel incredibly guilty for behaving that way and I don't think that is right. That isn't what I do though. I chose the other options - stay just being friends. If the girl was worth dating she better be worth being friends with! It sounds simple, but it isn't. It means you get hurt when you see the girl with other guys. It means you spend a lot of time with women who see you just as a "friend" and have less time to pursue women who might be interested in a relationship. And the worst is when one of those female friends actually becomes jealous if you do date someone! And at least some of me chooses this path because I don't let go of the possibility that maybe somehow, someday, she'll come around and our friendship will move to the next level. In fact, this has happened to me twice this year. Once with a girl who I wasn't interested in sexually at first. We became good friends and spent a lot of time together. As time passed sexual tension grew and one night we hooked up (but didn't have sex). The aftermath was an absolute disaster and she hasn't talked to me since. But that was a sign of issues that she had and not as much to do with the nature of our relationship. The other girl was a girl who I had a crush on from the start. She rejected me pretty coldly, but I kept on pursuing her until it was clear it wasn't going to happen. So I gave up, but we still talked on IM from time to time. And then one weekend she came to Boston and we hung out and had a great time. The next time I saw her two months later we hooked up. Since then, we've been behaving as if we are dating when we are around each other, but she lives very far away and neither of us are willing to do a long distance relationship. So I keep emotionally distant and we stay "just friends". The only difference in our relationship now is that I don't talk about other women with her anymore (because I don't think it would be appropriate).
ok, I really diverged there. What really bothered me the most about what she said was that by being surprised it meant that she had *no clue* that I liked her! All the time I thought I was doing my best in showing that I was interested, yet playing it cool. I have a very unique skill. I am an anti-flirt. I am remarkably good at not letting girls I like know that I like them. I suppose at times its good to be so good at hiding your real feelings and acting like nothing is going on, but it really is more of a curse.
I'm getting kind of tired, and I don't think I can finish this whole story tonight although there really isn't that much to say. After she said these things, I quickly excused myself to bathroom. Basically I ran away because I didn't want to say the wrong thing and I knew I would and I wasn't in any state to talk about something like that then. When I came back she was gone. Talking to TheFullNelson in the other room actually.
Later she noticed I was still being emo and asked why. She assumed it was because I thought she liked TheFullNelson or that he was flirting with her or something. I texted her "I'm sorry" from the bathroom. I know, it was a really pathetic thing to do. I was apolgizing for the fact that I liked her. For changing the nature of our friendship. Margaret really FUCKED me up that way!! I can't believe I actually think like that (and it's because of that bitch). Anyways, Sarah didn't get the text message until later and I was standing right next to her. I told her I was apologizing for being so emo, although that isn't what it was about.
After the club closed I walked TheFullNelson to his car. He told me that he told Sarah that she should make out with me. He's such a great guy.
We went to an after-party at Anastasia's despite the fact that I was still being emo. We had fun and I got even more wasted. I was pretty quiet though and she acted like that conversation never took place. At about 4am we headed out. She dropped Josh and Salo home and began taking me home and then drove right past my street. We ended up just driving around for 20 minutes or so around the Tuft's campus. Aimlessly, just having fun. I wanted to go somewhere and drink some more but she reminded me that if I wanted her to come over and help me with my apartment again today, that she would have to get to bed soon. I never actually asked her to help out again. I'm thinking it was some kind of weird excuse. Because I knew she wanted to watch tennis today.
I never called her today. I was feeling too emo. I needed to think. I spend the day alone, painting. I must admit my room looks absoulutely awesome though. At about 6pm or so she called me, told me that she was in the neighborhood and asked if she could stop by and pick up her CD player. I realized later that she had left a message saying that she and (Salo, I assume) were going out for some drinks and asking if I wanted to go along. I had plans to eat with Shawn and Christina anyways. She came over, said "hi" picked up her CD player and left.
I still have a lot to say, but it's bedtime. I have to decide what to do, if anything at all. Shawn thinks I should just act like that conversation didn't happen and continue being friends with her and that maybe in the future it will grow into something more. Christina thinks I should talk to her. To let her know that I did/do like her, but it won't affect our friendship if she doesn't feel that way about me. I don't know what I'm going to do. The only thing I know is that I'm not going to do anything in the next few days at least.
Those of you who read my journal will remember Sarah, the girl I met in at ManRay back in early July. Some of you have actually met her in real life. For those of you who don't remrrember, I'll summarize my history with her. Everyone else can skip the next few paragraphs and jumpy down to the dots "..."
I met Sarah one night at ManRay in the unisex bathroom about 2 months ago. I was a bit drunk at the time (as was she) but she was cute and seemed like a lot of fun. My sister was with me at the time as was my friend Dave and Sarah was hanging with her friend Salo777. (Yes, thats also the night I first met Salo).
After the club closed the five of us got some pizza and went back to my friend Shawn's house. Shawn was away on vacation and I was housesitting for him. We hung out at his place and drank all night. I liked Sarah right away and I did my best to try and let her know by flirting with her, I wanted her to know that I was interested and not end up on the friendship ladder which had been happened to me a lot recently. It didn't help that for the first few hours she thought I was gay, although we cleared that up pretty quickly. I think I tried to kiss her a few times but she was hesistant. I remember her saying, "Do you want me to respect you tomorrow and hang out with you again?" I remember actually being happy that she said that. I'm not really looking for a one-night stand -- I'm looking for something longer term and I appreciated the fact that she didn't just want to hook up with some random guy she just met. (Although perhaps she was just saying that cause she wasn't that attracted me). We ended up passing out on the couch. The next day as she left, she asked me for my phone number and we exchanged digits. I never called her because I knew I would see her again at ManRay on Wednesday. Sure enough, I did. In fact we hung out at ManRay a few times that week. I learned pretty quickly that she had just been dumped by her long distance bf of four and a half years. Every time I saw her, we drank, we danced, and flirted. I thought things were going well. Enter Shoes. Without getting into details she ended up starting a casual relationship with him. It was a rebound relationship and she said from the start that it wasn't serious and it wasn't going to last. At that point I pretty much gave up but decided to wait it out and see what happened. I didn't think she was ready for a relationship at that time and I didn't want to be the rebound guy anyways. She went away to Amsterdam for two weeks at the end of July and when she came back she was busy and I didn't see her for several weeks after she returned.
Sure enough Shoes and Sarah did break up about a week and a half ago. Right as this happened she began to contact me and ask for my advice. I should have realized right then that I was once again slipping into the "therapist" role with yet another woman. We started hanging out again and about a week ago I saw her for the first time in maybe 5 weeks.
...
Last Saturday Sarah, Salo and I hung out at a goth club in Lowell. The three of us ended up crashing her bed where Saran and I read Poe to each other.
Things seemed to be going really well.
A couple of days ago she offered to come help me paint my apartment. She was the only one of my friends who did, actually. So we spent most of Saturday painting and drinking beer. We ate dinner with my best friend Shawn and his gf Christina. I asked them what they thought of her and Christina said got the impression that Sarah was flirting with me (Touching me and so on) and they decided to leave us alone. Sarah told me that she had just gotten a hold of two tickets to NIN earlier that day and she invited me along with her. There were a lot of signs that somehow I was just on the friendship ladder though. She said on the phone later on that she had called some guy she was crushing on and that he had blown her off and she asked me if she could ask me for advice about it later. Thats a BIG sign that I'm just a friend
. So yeah, mixed signals. But the negative signals override the positive ones in this situation.
Later that evening she picked me up and drove me to Heroes, the new electro-80s/synthpop/new wave night DJed by the former ManRay DJ Gumbercules, I decided that since I wasn't driving for once that I was going to drink a lot. And I did. I saw my friend TheFullNelson there and told me that Sarah seems awesome and that I should go hit on her. He had met her before and he knew that I liked her and acknowledged that the guy code kept him from the flirting with her himself. I told him that it didn't look like it was going anywhere so I gave him the go-ahead to go hit on her. TheFullNelson is a great guy and he is in a shitty situation and he really deserves to have an awesome gf that treats him with respect. But still, it's hard to see Sarah with other men. I don't know why I insist on martyring myself. They danced a bit and later Sarah came up to me and said, "TheFullNelson is kind of cute. I don't know what it is. Maybe because he dated Jen or something, I dunno." I agreed that he was an awesome guy. At that point I suddenly turned emo and she noticed it in my face right away. I was also a bit drunk at the time. I went to go sit at the bar and I remember Sarah sitting next to me. I don't remember exactly but either TheFullNelson or I had said something to her about the guy code and she asked me about it. "What is this guy code," she questioned. I explained that she didn't have to worry, that I gave him the go-ahead. She said, "I don't understand what you mean. It would only be an issue if there was another guy that liked me, but where is the other guy that likes me?" Slowly, she put two and two together... "Wait, is it you? Mike. do *YOU* like me??" I didn't answer right away. Then I said, "Yes, I like you." but I waffled. I balked. I don't know if I took it back, or if she thought I was joking. I was drunk, I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I told her that I was drunk and that I couldn't talk about this now. She reacted by saying, "If you do like me, then I would have treated you/behaved/acted differently." (I'm not sure which one she said)What is that supposed to mean? It such an ambiguous thing to say. (It reminds me a lot of when Erika said that she need to "re-integrate me" when she found out that I was straight.) Best case would mean that if she knew that I liked her that she treat me more like a datable guy, that she would at least think about whether we could work out. Worst case means that she would stop flirting with me and be more careful about leading me on. And to watch what she says about other men in my presence. I'm a pessimist. I tend to think its the worst case scenario, but I've been wrong before. Then she said, "Oh my, I lose so many friends this way..." I've heard that *so many* times and I fucking don't ever want to here it again. This is what really drives me to dislike women even though I know it isn't their fault. A guy like me tends to like girls only once he's gotten to know them. Sure, I see attractive women all the time, but since I'm looking for something a little more serious, it's only after I get to know them that I usually begin to crush. So yeah, I'm sure all you eligible women have lost lots of guy "friends" when you realize they like you in a different way. One of two things happen. Either the guy decides its too hard to be friends or doesn't want a "friend" relationship and then he stops hanging out with the girl and moves on and tries to find a girl who will like him in the way he wants to be liked. There is nothing wrong with that, but the guy is made to feel incredibly guilty for behaving that way and I don't think that is right. That isn't what I do though. I chose the other options - stay just being friends. If the girl was worth dating she better be worth being friends with! It sounds simple, but it isn't. It means you get hurt when you see the girl with other guys. It means you spend a lot of time with women who see you just as a "friend" and have less time to pursue women who might be interested in a relationship. And the worst is when one of those female friends actually becomes jealous if you do date someone! And at least some of me chooses this path because I don't let go of the possibility that maybe somehow, someday, she'll come around and our friendship will move to the next level. In fact, this has happened to me twice this year. Once with a girl who I wasn't interested in sexually at first. We became good friends and spent a lot of time together. As time passed sexual tension grew and one night we hooked up (but didn't have sex). The aftermath was an absolute disaster and she hasn't talked to me since. But that was a sign of issues that she had and not as much to do with the nature of our relationship. The other girl was a girl who I had a crush on from the start. She rejected me pretty coldly, but I kept on pursuing her until it was clear it wasn't going to happen. So I gave up, but we still talked on IM from time to time. And then one weekend she came to Boston and we hung out and had a great time. The next time I saw her two months later we hooked up. Since then, we've been behaving as if we are dating when we are around each other, but she lives very far away and neither of us are willing to do a long distance relationship. So I keep emotionally distant and we stay "just friends". The only difference in our relationship now is that I don't talk about other women with her anymore (because I don't think it would be appropriate).
ok, I really diverged there. What really bothered me the most about what she said was that by being surprised it meant that she had *no clue* that I liked her! All the time I thought I was doing my best in showing that I was interested, yet playing it cool. I have a very unique skill. I am an anti-flirt. I am remarkably good at not letting girls I like know that I like them. I suppose at times its good to be so good at hiding your real feelings and acting like nothing is going on, but it really is more of a curse.
I'm getting kind of tired, and I don't think I can finish this whole story tonight although there really isn't that much to say. After she said these things, I quickly excused myself to bathroom. Basically I ran away because I didn't want to say the wrong thing and I knew I would and I wasn't in any state to talk about something like that then. When I came back she was gone. Talking to TheFullNelson in the other room actually.
Later she noticed I was still being emo and asked why. She assumed it was because I thought she liked TheFullNelson or that he was flirting with her or something. I texted her "I'm sorry" from the bathroom. I know, it was a really pathetic thing to do. I was apolgizing for the fact that I liked her. For changing the nature of our friendship. Margaret really FUCKED me up that way!! I can't believe I actually think like that (and it's because of that bitch). Anyways, Sarah didn't get the text message until later and I was standing right next to her. I told her I was apologizing for being so emo, although that isn't what it was about.
After the club closed I walked TheFullNelson to his car. He told me that he told Sarah that she should make out with me. He's such a great guy.
We went to an after-party at Anastasia's despite the fact that I was still being emo. We had fun and I got even more wasted. I was pretty quiet though and she acted like that conversation never took place. At about 4am we headed out. She dropped Josh and Salo home and began taking me home and then drove right past my street. We ended up just driving around for 20 minutes or so around the Tuft's campus. Aimlessly, just having fun. I wanted to go somewhere and drink some more but she reminded me that if I wanted her to come over and help me with my apartment again today, that she would have to get to bed soon. I never actually asked her to help out again. I'm thinking it was some kind of weird excuse. Because I knew she wanted to watch tennis today.
I never called her today. I was feeling too emo. I needed to think. I spend the day alone, painting. I must admit my room looks absoulutely awesome though. At about 6pm or so she called me, told me that she was in the neighborhood and asked if she could stop by and pick up her CD player. I realized later that she had left a message saying that she and (Salo, I assume) were going out for some drinks and asking if I wanted to go along. I had plans to eat with Shawn and Christina anyways. She came over, said "hi" picked up her CD player and left.
I still have a lot to say, but it's bedtime. I have to decide what to do, if anything at all. Shawn thinks I should just act like that conversation didn't happen and continue being friends with her and that maybe in the future it will grow into something more. Christina thinks I should talk to her. To let her know that I did/do like her, but it won't affect our friendship if she doesn't feel that way about me. I don't know what I'm going to do. The only thing I know is that I'm not going to do anything in the next few days at least.
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