aegiswings

I'm beginning to recall why I didn't get along with Melissa back when she dated my ex-roommate. I thought things were different now, and we were getting along so well. (Well, sort of). And then this week, I don't really remember what started this all, but we had long IM conversations, Monday, Wednesday, and then again today. She was kind of in a bad mood, stressed about school, felt like she didn't have any friends, and upset that a guy she used to like (a long story) had stood her up. I was more proactive and basically told her that he wasn't worth her time, and that she should just ditch him. Anyways, I did my best to listen and give advice but when she wallows in self-pity there isn't anything anyone can do. It's a recipe for disaster. It gets to be frustrating but I was patient. Still, I end up the bad guy as I become "associated" with all these bad feelings that surface. Then I get blamed for being the cause of them, when I only am 100% trying to help. The only that ever seems to work is being a complete "yes-man", but even that doesn't work as nothing gets resolved and the conversations go on and on. Today was the climax, with her announcement that I upset her this week. I don't have the early IMs from this week saved, but she does and she promises to send them to me tomorrow, because I want to *see* what I said that was so bad.

I *did* save the IM from today and I was tempted to just post the whole thing here, But I know, that wouldn't be right. Instead, I'll post some excerpts and finish up with "I am completely through with her", unless she makes a big turnaround (hell, an apology, I mean an apology!), I'm not bothering with her ever again.

One note, the guy she was into, we refer to as "Julie" (its a long story).
And I apologize for this ridiculousness, I know my personal IM conversations aren't going to be an interest to anyone, but this is kind of cathartic for me.
Comments I added are in brackets:

[the very start]
aegiswings: still awake?
melissa: yeah
aegiswings: how you doin?
melissa: i was just going over our IMS from this week
melissa: you actually really made me upset
melissa: that wasn't nice
aegiswings: im sorry
...
[the problem comes out]
melissa: well you made me feel like i'm a complete loser
aegiswings: or monday
melissa: which is kind of funny
aegiswings: my intention was the opposite!
melissa: no it wasn't
melissa: and you know that
aegiswings: you think i was trying to make you feel like a loser?
melissa: i mean, i always consider dropping out of med school
aegiswings: why would i do that?
melissa: and trying to establish better friends
...
[melissa felt like she had no friends]
melissa: now i feel crappy
aegiswings: yeah...but why?
melissa: because obviously the friends i thought i had aren't really friends
aegiswings: i didnt say, "melissa you have no friends", i only said that julie wasnt a good friend, which is my opinion on him, not you
aegiswings: much of that is me being protective I suppose
aegiswings: im sorry
melissa: no, you were trying to convince me that i was an idiot for thinking he was a friend
melissa: and that's fine
aegiswings: yeah, that was my fear, but nonono thats not what i meant
melissa: its okay, i get the fact that sometimes i have friends
...
[we talk about Julie]
aegiswings: the thing is, I had a feeling he would make you feel that way, which is why I thought it was bad - see its, a circle like that
melissa: no
melissa: its not him that has made me feel that way
melissa: don't you see
melissa: you have made me feel that way
aegiswings: in saying that you shouldn't bother with him
...
[melissa upset with ehr social life]
melissa: because obviously he doesn't think of me as a friend, he just thinks of me as a pest
melissa: i'm just embarassed that's all
melissa: and now that i'm no longer friends with courtney
aegiswings: im sorry again, i tried to jsut say what i thought, i didn't mean to make you feel bad
melissa: and no longer friends with julie
melissa: that means, i'm down to no one
melissa: i don't need to check my email
aegiswings: im your friend yo!
melissa: i don't need to have my cell phone
melissa: nothing happens in my day
melissa: except that i get up
melissa: i go to school
melissa: i come home from school
melissa: and i study
melissa: that's it, seven days a week
...
[there is nothing I can do]
aegiswings: im sorry, can I do anything to cheer you up?
melissa: no
aegiswings: or do I jsut upset you?
melissa: i guess i'm just trying to say that you shouldn't try to make me feel bad about things that create a little drama in my life
melissa: if something else creates a little drama
melissa: just leave it alone
aegiswings: i dont think there is any advice i'm capable of giving that would help
aegiswings: ok
melissa: because it makes me happie
...
[melissa talks about her "final" e-mail to Julie]
rmelissa: i was concerned that i came off a little pushy to julie
melissa: but that's it
aegiswings: ok, its tough for me to gauge HOW concerned/upset/worried you are about some things over IM
melissa: i was really happy cause i had a nice conversation with him sunday
melissa: and then he called me monday night too
melissa: and i was really excited
melissa: because talking to him made me SO happy
melissa: well
melissa: not SO happy
melissa: but was really entertaining
aegiswings: to talk to him...
aegiswings: so will he reply to your email?
melissa: yes, but now i sent too many
melissa: and i'm so humiliated
melissa: at least this one made it clear that i didnt call three times sunday just to say hi
melissa: if he thought that
...
[the climatic conclusion - at the very end she drops some bombs!]
melissa: i have class in 8 hours
melissa: so i should try to sleep
aegiswings: bed time for me too
melissa: night
aegiswings: im sorry for upsetting you btw
melissa: its okay
aegiswings: do I always upset you?
melissa: i'm just confused cause my therapist told me i shouldn't talk to you
[thats the first one! what now?]
aegiswings: whoa..hehe
melissa: and i'm having issues
aegiswings: may i ask why?
melissa: because of what you said about my friendships
[she means Julie, I believe, and her ex-bf (my ex-roommate and best
friend - but that IS a unhealthy relationship for sure, but out of the scope of this conversation - (he has new serious gf and she isnt 100% over him))]
...
[how am I bad for her?]
aegiswings: im sorry your therapist said that. i understand if you dont want to talk to me though. I wonder why you do, cause I don't seem to make you happy
aegiswings: i realize im completely powerless anyways
aegiswings: show her our IM transcripts, i dunno
melissa: no, see what people say to me has a lot of power over me
melissa: you know that
aegiswings: its possible that I *am* bad for you and I don't realize it
aegiswings: yes, I do
melissa: maybe that's what she meant about julie being better
aegiswings: in that way it makes it hard to help
melissa: he only says nice things to me
melissa: never is unhappy
aegiswings: because you weren't close friends with julie
melissa: always has a great outlook on life
melissa: maybe that's it
aegiswings: you had a trivial relationship you didnt talk about these kinds of things
melissa: but you are my only friend who says things like that ot me
melissa: margaret does
aegiswings: hm?
melissa: because she wants me to always know that she has a better guy she's sleeping with
melissa: than i do
aegiswings: ok
melissa: at all times
aegiswings: is this something I've always done? or was it just this week?
melissa: just this week
melissa: but somehow
aegiswings: ok then, i admit our conversations were a little different, but only cause i was trying to be mroe proactive in helping
...
[I become associated and therefore blamed for this whole mess]
melissa: what we were talking about
aegiswings: don't you see its the same thing though?
melissa: made me go from being pretty confident
aegiswings: your therapist says "mike is bad for you, don't talk to him, he'll upset you" and I say the same thing about julie!
melissa: to immediately being back to realizing that i'm unattractive, unhappy and a loser
melissa: and that's not good
melissa: so...
aegiswings: omg, i totally said you were attractive
[not to be silly, but i've been complimenting her more recently in order make her feel better, and actually she IS attractive]
aegiswings: im sorry
melissa: no i'm not
melissa: if i was
melissa: i would have dates
melissa: and i wasn' t caring before today
...
[and finally, I point out in the irony in this - I've caused what I tried to prevent]
aegiswings: first, i think its ironic that I tried to keep you away from julie because exactly that - the things you were self-conscious of in the past - that you weren't adequate (for shawn) would happen again with julie because he didnt seem to "need" you
aegiswings: when I jsut went and caused them myself
melissa: you don't understand girls very well
[and it pretty much ends...]

By far, the more interesting conversations probably lie in the IMs from the past three days - the CAUSE of this and also some pretty mean things she said about me - but I don't have those.

Call me ridiculous, call me petty, but seriously THIS is what my relationship with Melissa, pretty much always. This is just a particularly intense episode.