aegiswings

I've been sick something horrible this week. Usually when I get ill it hits me rather quickly and then I feel a little bit better each day until I am well again. The length of time until I am 100% normal again depending on the iype of illness.

This week it has been different, though. I suppose it started Sunday. I slept all day and I thought I was just depressed. No amphetamine was even able to inspire me. But Monday I was still tired and my arms and legs began to ache. I also had a mild headache and I almost never get headaches. These symptoms gradually got worse and worse until today when it was so bad that I almost did not go into work. I did go, though, because I had to pick up my car which was being fixed. I didn't get in until after 3pm and I didn't do any work while I was there. Fortunately, I was able to drag myself out to the drug store this morning and get some advil cold and sinus, which has been helping immensely though it does make me a bit spacey. Aching muscles, slight running nose, lack of energy, and killer headaches. It seems like it is just a cold. I'm hoping it gets better tomorrow instead of worse - I have a lot I want to do this weekend. Right now it isn't looking likely that I'll make it to Xmortis tomorrow night.

I'm been in a pretty bad mood recently too. Everyone around me is so demanding and they don't seem to understand when I need time alone or when I have my own issues to deal with. I suppose I am beginning to realize that I really don't assert myself enough. The majority of my opinions and feelings go unvocalized (and it's true that many should), and I'm too willing to just go with the flow even if it leads me in a bad direction. And then I end up in situation where certain things are expected from me, and I'm left in a situation where I'm not particularly happy. That may not make sense, so I'm going to tell a story now:

Slight diversion, but I suppose this ties in to what I'm trying to say. Yesterday I managed to convince my friend Sarah to pick me up at work as my car was in the shop and I felt too ill to take the bus home. I sort of triicked her by saying "hey, would you like to go to the mall tonight?", but she realized quickly that I really just needed a ride home. Anyways, she showed up at my work with her sister, who had been visiting and we all went to the mall together. I humored them as they shopped at Victoria's Secret and various makeup and body lotion stores. Afterwards we went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant and drank beer. Sarah gave me some advil and it made my headache tolerable, but I didn't have the guts to tell her I just wanted to go home. I felt guilty about asking her to pick me up and so I felt I obligated to hang out with her. I suppose I was feeling better after some food though, so it wasn't so bad. Regardless, I needed to eat.

Towards the end of dinner, Sarah got a call from her bf, Dustpan, who lives in Pennsylvania. She left the table to go talk to him leaving me with her sister Sonia. That was really unlike her as she *never* answers his calls when I am with her. In fact, she never even tells me when we hang out. Not that he would be jealous, or have a reason to be, but it's some kind of reverse-guilt thing on her part. Well, she was on the phone a long time which gave me and Sonia a chance to chat. We talked about Sarah, of course, and she remarked that I was very insightful (especially regarding Sarah and Dustpan). It was a really good conversation especially since I don't know anyone else who really knows Sarah well. Who would know her better than her older sister? So we were talking about her and then Sonia drops the bomb... "Are you secretly in love with Sarah??" I quickly answer.... "Heh, No... I'm not, but you have to understand, when I first met Sarah, it was right after Dustpan had dumped her and she was..." At that point Sarah came back and sat down. So right at the climax, right when I was about to explain myself, and perhaps finally get the opinion of someone who could help me, our conversation was abrutly cut short. We never did finish it. Sonia drove back to Maine this morning.

We noticed a sudden change in mood in Sarah when she came back. I went off to the bathroom and when I came back, Sarah was yelling at Sonia. I really had no idea what the fight was about, and I realized it was none of my business, so I went outside and walked around the parking lot to leave them alone. In the car ride home, I still didn't really know what was going on. It was obvious that Sarah was upset that Sonia had kind of come to visit uninvited and she resents the fact that she always expects Sarah to let her stay and take her out and pay for her meals, etc. I'm not going to get into that very *long* story here.

Anyways, Sarah took Sonia back to her place and then took me to a bar. "I need more to drink," she told me. I was after 11pm now (She had picked me up from work at 6:30pm), but I could tell she really needed to talk. We talked for about and hour while she drank (I had a coke). I listened and gave her my advice. She was really very appreciative, and I was happy to be able to help her. She was really stressed before and quite upset and she seemed to have calmed down a lot and prepared to deal with her sister again.

She pointed out that talking to Dustpan about these things didn't cheer her up as much as it used to. But I suppose the killer line was when she said to me, "Thank you so much! You should really move to Philadelphia with me!!" I knew immediately what she meant. The reference to Philadelphia was because that was where Dustpan was likely to move and get a job when he graduated from law/business school. And she wanted me there so I could listen to her and advice her about her life and relationships. "Um, so you are saying you want me to move to Philly with you so I can be your personal therapist?" She smiled and nodded, perhaps I little surpried that I figured out so quickly what she was getting at. I don't think I've ever heard anything quite so horrible in my life. It really sums my relationship with Sarah -- no, my relaionship with most women, right there, in a nutshell.

So that's one of several things that are going on right now, although I suppose it really isn't bothering me. The constant houseguests that my roommate has been having over is also getting to me. And being ill, makes my temper very short. I spend all evening sleeping, and while my muscles ache so much I can't be at all productive around my apartment, I'm not tired enough to go back to bed. Tomorrow at work is going to suck. I might just decide to stay home. I haven't taken a sick day off from a job in years, and it's really hard for me to do that, even though I know it would be better for me. We'll seee how I feel in the morning.