aegiswings

wow... I'm still in shock.

So despite my best efforts to "cut her off" Sarah2 called me up today. I was good and I didn't answer the phone. I didn't expect her to call because I knew that Tuesday she *finally* read the e-mail that I had sent her Friday night. I figured she'd get the picture (see last journal for the e-mail). But she called like she has pretty much everyday and she left a message. It said that she was downtown shopping and she was wondering if I was going out to Toast tonight and she asked me if I was still "pissed off" at her. "That's it. Bye".

I was a bit surprised. Why did she think I was pissed off? If she had read my e-mail she would know that I wasn't angry at all. That I just needed some time away from her. But apparently she wasn't getting it.

So I went out with Sid. The club was empty, but who was there... but Sarah2. Not a surprise. We exchanged an awkward glance, and I went about saying 'hi' to my other friends. Eventually I went over to talk to her. I told her I wasn't pissed at her and asked her if she was pissed at me. She said that she wasn't.

The conversation that ensued took most of the night. We sat down and talked straight for over an hour. I am way too fed up and tired to go to all the details, but let's just say it's a total shock to me. Some highlights.
Apparently SHE was ANGRY at ME. She said "if you EVER treat me the way you did on Friday night -- being all drunk and belligerent and hurting my feelings..." OMG. She didn't get it all. Not in the slightest. After two hours of talking she *still* didn't get it. It came down to me almost begging her to empathize. Just TRY. I thought she was capable of at least that. She just said she knew I was being an asshole on Friday and that I upset her and that I should never let it happen again. I wouldn't take back what I said, and I wouldn't blame it on the alcohol.

At one point she almost threw her beer in my face. Why, you might ask? Well, I told her that I felt that she had led me on at times. She was so pissed that she was about to throw it, but I didn't flinch, I didn't move, and I calmly said, "I dare you... It will make it all the more easy to forget about you." She paused and saw that that is what I wanted and she held the beer closer to me like she was going to pour. I once again called her bluff and eventually she put the beer down and said, "I was THIS close to throwing it at you." Good, byebye, I win.

At the end of the conversation, when we were all tired of talk, she said, "ok, can we go back to being friends and being happy like we were before." I tried to explain to her that I was NOT happy, that I didn't want it to go back to the way it was, although I admitted I didn't know how to fix it. She was like, "wtf do you want ME to do about. Tell me, and I'll do it!" I told her there was NOTHING that she could do. I just needed time apart from her and I just wanted her understand. She refused to understand and said that she would be hurt and got angry again. Repeat. I even went as far as to draw up little hypothetical scenarios. Like, "say you called me up and I was in a bad mood and I didn't want to see you, you understand right." Nope, she'd be angry. If you can't even agree about the simple made-up situations, what chance is there to agree on the big stuff.

Many times she asked me "so what do you want me to do? What are the ground rules here?" So eventually I gave in and gave her some. "Fine, I don't want to talk about your ex-bf all the time, because that makes me feel awkward and hurts me. I don't want to hear about guys you hooked up with recently. I don't want to hear you whine about how no one will sleep with you/make out with you/love you etc. I don't want you to go home with other guys when you are hanging out with me..."
She tried to call me on it... "Well you were totally flirting with that girl Friday night..." Ugh...

We didn't really come to any resolution except *she* isn't angry anymore. I apologized for Friday night, because I suppose I did go a little bit overboard in loudly expressing my feelings, but I really didn't like how she dealt with it. For me, it makes me FAR less than I liked her than before and makes it all the more easier to forget about her. I didn't really how messed she was. How unable to empathize, how wrapped up in her own fucked up little world.

She tried to buy me a drink to "patch things up", but after she called me a belligerent drunk, the last thing I wanted was another drink, so I refused.

I don't know how to take it right now. I don't know whats going to happen. I don't feel like this is a friendship at all. She's pissed because I made her feel awkward "why do all guys do this to me," kind of bullshit. And even more I want to cut her off, but I didn't expect this kind of resistance from her. I figured she'd be "fine, don't talk to me for a month, I don't need you anyways" but instead she manipulates me and drags me back in. "Why are you causing all these problems with our friendship, we were happy before? wtf do you want me to do?" she will say. She is stubborn and arrogant and batshit nuts.

The ironic thing is it is almost actually possible to be superficial "friends" with her now because any feelings I had for her are quicly fading.

There is so much more I could say about her, about the conversation, about my feelings on the situation, but like I said before, I am tired and you get the picture.