[drunken rant]
Wow, I haven't had one of these in a long time... Here goes.
So, it started off as a good night. Sid and I showed up at Xmortis early and I started drinking as soon as I got there. I had already had four drinks by the time Sarah got there at 11:30. I spent most of the night hitting on a lesbian. Yes, I knew she was a lesbian, and she knew that I knew she was one too. But we really hit it off. I even got her number. But seriously, what is the point?
I had a big fight with Sarah. I got pissed when she mentioned this random guy Dan. I called her on it: The fact she doesn't even like him at all -- and never really did. Yet she ditched me one night and went home with him. She kissed him. And she would have done more if he was interested, which he wasn't at all. "You smell like beer," he said. "I think he's gay," she told me. I pointed out that she went home with me when she first met me. And I tried to kiss her that night and she said, "If you want me to respect you tomorrow and hang out with you again, you won't pressure me." Yes, we were both drunk. But I respected that. I didn't try anything more and I thought she was just a girl who wasn't looking for a one-night stand. A girl who wanted someting different. A girl who wanted what I wanted. But I spent the next four and a half months as her "best friend", before I came to the blatantly obvious conclusion -- that she simply didn't like me that way. I "love" you and I'll sleep in a bed with you a half dozen times but I don't ever want to even kiss you. I was duped. I was used. I feel like shit. In all honestly, I've known it for quite some time now, but it had to come out in the open at some point. Every sliver of hope had to be dashed, or I'd just keep on clinging to any crumb that might be left.
I went to pay my tab. My thirty dollar charge was declined on my credit card. Yet another reminder that I am worth nothing. That I can not even afford the 5 drinks I bought Kayla and Alice and I. I'm poor, I'm unemployed. I felt worthless. Sarah offered to pay it. I didn't let her. I used my ATM card.
I went to an after party. A friend of mine brought two girls he was hitting on. I sized them up and realized immediately that he was more interested in the much hotter blonde one. I figured I'd be a good friend and a "wingman" and talk to the other one. I wasn't particularly attracted to her, but she seemed nice. She seemed into me too. It wasn't too long before I realized that she thought I was gay. At first, it was really workng for me. We joked about it a bit. I told her that the minute she realized I was straight she'd run the other way. She laughed and said she wouldn't because she *knew* that I was gay. She let me put my arm around her and she put her arm around me. She sat on my lap on the couch. Later we went into a bedroom with my friend and the other girl and we lay on the bed together. Somewhere around that time she realized I was straight and I was kicked out. Yes, she *ran*. *Very* fast. "Get away from me" and "Don't touch me" was the vibe I got from her. It was a complete reversal. And I never crossed any line and touched her inappropriately. I left the room and sat on the couch in the living room. I was left alone again with Sarah who was also at the party (why did I invite her?). I didn't really want to talk to her anymore, and every other girl at the party was a lesbian, so I said my goodbyes and I left.
Sarah called me immediately after I left. I decided that at least for tonight, I'd behave cordially and answer her calls, so I called her back. We had a conversation where she tried to "put things in perspective" for me. You know, like her friend, who can't walk very well. At least I'm not in a wheelchair. I should be happy. If I'm not happy, it makes her feel "inadequate". Ugh. Let me be miserable if I want to be. She has no idea how much a part of it she is anyways.
I went home and sent her a copy of "The Worst Poem Ever Written." It's actually not that bad of a poem, but people in the Dating Sucks group seem to think so. I might as well just spill it all out now. End it for good. She'll know how I feel, it wil be out in the open and I'll feel so much better about myself. She'll probably be angry, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I've rock bottom now. There is no were to go but up.
And when she calls me, which I know she will, every time I don't answer will be a small victory. The tiny cut I will make when a call goes unaswered or when an e-mail goes unread, will bring a twisted kind of joy to me. Never before have I been one to take pleasure in someone elses pain, but now I have become a demon, a horrible beast, which I don't dare ever look at in the mirror, but I will rejoice in his existence every time he makes his presence known.
...
As I write this, my black cat has curled up on top of me, purring softly. She wants to sleep and for now I shall sleep with her. Good night.
Wow, I haven't had one of these in a long time... Here goes.
So, it started off as a good night. Sid and I showed up at Xmortis early and I started drinking as soon as I got there. I had already had four drinks by the time Sarah got there at 11:30. I spent most of the night hitting on a lesbian. Yes, I knew she was a lesbian, and she knew that I knew she was one too. But we really hit it off. I even got her number. But seriously, what is the point?
I had a big fight with Sarah. I got pissed when she mentioned this random guy Dan. I called her on it: The fact she doesn't even like him at all -- and never really did. Yet she ditched me one night and went home with him. She kissed him. And she would have done more if he was interested, which he wasn't at all. "You smell like beer," he said. "I think he's gay," she told me. I pointed out that she went home with me when she first met me. And I tried to kiss her that night and she said, "If you want me to respect you tomorrow and hang out with you again, you won't pressure me." Yes, we were both drunk. But I respected that. I didn't try anything more and I thought she was just a girl who wasn't looking for a one-night stand. A girl who wanted someting different. A girl who wanted what I wanted. But I spent the next four and a half months as her "best friend", before I came to the blatantly obvious conclusion -- that she simply didn't like me that way. I "love" you and I'll sleep in a bed with you a half dozen times but I don't ever want to even kiss you. I was duped. I was used. I feel like shit. In all honestly, I've known it for quite some time now, but it had to come out in the open at some point. Every sliver of hope had to be dashed, or I'd just keep on clinging to any crumb that might be left.
I went to pay my tab. My thirty dollar charge was declined on my credit card. Yet another reminder that I am worth nothing. That I can not even afford the 5 drinks I bought Kayla and Alice and I. I'm poor, I'm unemployed. I felt worthless. Sarah offered to pay it. I didn't let her. I used my ATM card.
I went to an after party. A friend of mine brought two girls he was hitting on. I sized them up and realized immediately that he was more interested in the much hotter blonde one. I figured I'd be a good friend and a "wingman" and talk to the other one. I wasn't particularly attracted to her, but she seemed nice. She seemed into me too. It wasn't too long before I realized that she thought I was gay. At first, it was really workng for me. We joked about it a bit. I told her that the minute she realized I was straight she'd run the other way. She laughed and said she wouldn't because she *knew* that I was gay. She let me put my arm around her and she put her arm around me. She sat on my lap on the couch. Later we went into a bedroom with my friend and the other girl and we lay on the bed together. Somewhere around that time she realized I was straight and I was kicked out. Yes, she *ran*. *Very* fast. "Get away from me" and "Don't touch me" was the vibe I got from her. It was a complete reversal. And I never crossed any line and touched her inappropriately. I left the room and sat on the couch in the living room. I was left alone again with Sarah who was also at the party (why did I invite her?). I didn't really want to talk to her anymore, and every other girl at the party was a lesbian, so I said my goodbyes and I left.
Sarah called me immediately after I left. I decided that at least for tonight, I'd behave cordially and answer her calls, so I called her back. We had a conversation where she tried to "put things in perspective" for me. You know, like her friend, who can't walk very well. At least I'm not in a wheelchair. I should be happy. If I'm not happy, it makes her feel "inadequate". Ugh. Let me be miserable if I want to be. She has no idea how much a part of it she is anyways.
I went home and sent her a copy of "The Worst Poem Ever Written." It's actually not that bad of a poem, but people in the Dating Sucks group seem to think so. I might as well just spill it all out now. End it for good. She'll know how I feel, it wil be out in the open and I'll feel so much better about myself. She'll probably be angry, but it doesn't matter. I feel like I've rock bottom now. There is no were to go but up.
And when she calls me, which I know she will, every time I don't answer will be a small victory. The tiny cut I will make when a call goes unaswered or when an e-mail goes unread, will bring a twisted kind of joy to me. Never before have I been one to take pleasure in someone elses pain, but now I have become a demon, a horrible beast, which I don't dare ever look at in the mirror, but I will rejoice in his existence every time he makes his presence known.
...
As I write this, my black cat has curled up on top of me, purring softly. She wants to sleep and for now I shall sleep with her. Good night.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
When you look back, it's very hard to tell the difference. From somebody who's further along in recovery: my advice is to not waste your time on it. Continue to get drunk, though, it'll keep you warm in the chilly months ahead.