aegiswings

I'm fairly depressed. I don't understand SG at all. I'll post a pointless journal entry and I'll get fifteen comments in two days, but then I'll post something that I think is a unque and funny episode in my life and I'll get just one comment about it. I'm not going to bother even posting the poem that I had commissioned here. What's the point. Besides, I've got enough criticism about the whole thing in the dating sucks group.

But I guess it really isn't SG that is upsetting me. It's my life in general. I was thinking about it a bit today, and I feel like I have very little to live for. I realized that I basically am living to care for my cats these days and that's a pretty pathetic existence. I don't have a job and while I've had some interviews there is no one that immediately wants to hire me. I'm living off of unemployment which won't even pay the most basic of my bills and I've been eating ramen and hotdogs and drinking PBR for two weeks.

I'm also perpetually single. Although I've had actually 2 dates in the past few months, both were miserable disasters and made me feel worse than having no dates at all. I've had so many crushes come and go recently -- no seems to be interested in *me*. Even though all my friends tell me what a great catch I am, I've began to get angry when anyone says that. I don't understand. I've actually even been fairly confident and well-kempt and really at my best. And the one girl I am in love with is still not over her ex boyfriend, but it doesn't really matter because she doesn't like me in that way anyways. She pops into my life every few days or so, just to make me feel better and then make me feel so much worse. Though I realize she is completely oblivious that she is doing it. I just want someone here to keep me company. It's kind of odd, I know, but I'm not actually looking for that much, just someone to be there and spend time with and someone to sleep in my bed with me. We don't even have to ever kiss. Sometimes I have that with her, about once a week these days it seems, and it's kind of pathetic how satisfying that actually is for me. But it means a lot. If I could only have it more often.

My friends are all depressed too and they've been mean to me and like to point out my flaws and criticize me and tease me too much. At least I still have a lot of friends though. More than I've ever had, in fact. But sometimes they all seem to disappear, like the receding tide, and it's at times like these that I don't think there is anything they can do for me anyways. I think they realize that too.

My creative side is dead. I haven't played the guitar in months. And all the projects I was undertaking -- sewing, music, photography, etc -- have all been put on hold because I have no money.

I haven't had a vacation in over three years and I feel like I really need one, but from what? I don't do anything all day, what do I need to get away from? I find it impossible to wake up in the morning and I can't sleep at night. I would just like to go somewhere for a week, Japan, Ireland, the Carribean, Italy, anywhere, and just travel around and explore or lie on a beach and sleep late, eat good food and relax with someone I really care about. It's not too much to ask, is it? Hey, maybe that is something to live for? I don't know.