Thanks to Atlea's recent blog...I have a new obsession with this video...and reallyyyy want http://www.getbuckyballs.com/ one day. haha. just so I can amuse myself for hours.
And thanks to my friend's camera lens and playing with it, I decided I need to save up for a 50 mm lens. They are pretty cheap. I just need a job first. Hopefully I get one this summer after clinicals are at a pause.
My life is
one BIG fucking spin
of crazy emotions
and a tornado where
I can't remember what is
reality or a dream.
I sleep too much.
I sleep too little.
My dreams are running into life.
My life is running into my dreams.
I'm on an emotional whirlwind of life.
I'm scared of it.
I love it.
I hate it.
I don't want to fucking grow up.
I want to grow up and get away from my mom.
My mom...
boy does she have a way with words.
To toss and turn me.
Make me think she is there,
but really tell me I'm only wearing her down?
when all I asked was for some guidance.
Guidance of what I should already know how to do...
but what do you expect when you go from her doing everything
because I was always just a little kid in her eyes
to being on my own...but still under her in ways...
thrown out there...and completely lost.
We're working on it.
It will be fixed...when I'm done with school.
I miss my fiance.
I don't get to talk to him enough.
I understand.
Even if he is at the computer.
Our conversations are limited.
Because maybe I've been limiting them.
Because I've been shitting on everyone lately.
I feel like I tell too much
and no words are commented back.
I don't know.
I think I'm just emotionally drained.
Emotionally stupid.
And I just want to hear his voice.
That is all.
Nightmare is definitely a girl.
She went into heat. so no babies.
I still must get her fixed.
But where the FUCK am I supposed to get the money for that?
when nursing school makes me jobless?
EVERYTHING would be so much better
if my bank account didn't say 0.
and my wallet wasn't empty.
and I had a job to do that.
Fucking living costs money.
I hate it.
But Nightmare is definitely a nightmare.
and yet such a sweetheart.
A week ago when I was gone my roommate had her moms foreign exchange students over before they went on a cruise. Well she was in heat. So she told them if she got too noisy to put her in my room...forgot to mention the litter box. She's been good about peeing and pooping only in her litter box. Well...I think out of spite...she peed and pooped in my bed. I come home hoping to get into my bed to find pee and poop at my pillow. And she knows I sleep there. Sneaky cat.
Other than that, she's been adorable.
Cute and cuddly.
Soft. and spoiled.
When she wanted petted...she wants it. lol.
This past weekend I went to a tattoo convention.
Met The Enigma and Serana Rose. I found her SG account if it's real. lol.
there's always fakes out there. But it seems real.
SeranaRose
During the tattoo convention I dyed my hair blond because the beginning was slow and my friend needed to get out for a few. So I showed up dressed one way, came back different. But my blond hair isn't done. It's reddish orange in places. haha.
Here are photos of The Enigma and I and one friend.
and then here are photos when I came back with SeranaRose
It takes too damn long to upload photos that I took from my camera. haha. Here is a photo that I was going to take a random picture of a police, and I went a.d.d. and took a photo of her back. I took more photos, but maybe I'll show them later.
My tattoo artist's ear, and the start of a cover up tattoo.
I'll post random photos of the tattoo convention one day. If I remember. Or find the time.
Time seems to be escaping me.
I needed to get out the other day.
So I went on an adventure.
And I can't believe til just now I found this beautiful place by the lake. It's a trail. It's kind of secluded, kind of not. But it's beautiful. It's a little walk to get there. But I don't mind walks.
I think the photo is too big to post.
And a random photo of a cigarette. And with it, I wrote a poem yesterday.
Some days I sit there and just watch the fire burn.
Watch the flames explode in my heart
and consume all of what was once left of love.
And when the fire is done,
I start all over. Take the new pieces and wait
for the next time to watch it burn down to the end.
For sometimes we forget that our heart is just
a light bursting into flames.
We forget that yesterday was just
a cold memory, supposed to be forgotten
and the fire from today, will burn what was missing
causing tomorrow to wash away the pain.
"Watch me burn," she said.
and her beauty was too bright to see.
so we watched her cigarette burn down to the end
until her fire burns us all away.
Written by me - 4/2/11
But through this whirlwind. this hurricane. this tornado.
I just need to remember to breathe.
because I can do it.
Time gets the best of me.
I deactivated my facebook so that I could stay off of the computer some.
I need to focus on school. And when not, focus on just getting out of the apartment.
and other than that, focus on my love.
My camera, that used to always be attached to my hip (not my point and shoot).
Is going back to my hip. Because in ways, taking photos keeps me sane.
Makes me happy.
And I need to do that again.
I need to make time for myself.
I just need to B R E A T H E.
So I am sorry if I don't always reply.
Or take 10 years if I do.
Because every comment, truly makes me smile.
But I lost track of time.
Lose track of myself.
Lose track of life.
And I need to get it back in order.
If that means less computer,
then so be it.
But before I lose myself [again],
I must breathe.
<333 Adrastea
since I was about 6 years old people have been telling me I look like Drew Barrymore. haha!
our toddler pictures next to each other are uncanny. I cant see it, but I do hear it a lot! THANKS!!!!!