For a long time, I've battled with many demons. Depression, anxiety, abandonment issues, PTSD and not being myself to name a few. Spent a small fortune in seeking professional help. I have worked through a lot. The person I was a year ago feels very different to the person I am now. As a result, I am questioning friendships I have.
About 7-8 years ago, I was an intense and clingy person. I would cling I to someone and just bombard them. I've apologised to a lot of people for that. It took a long time for me to see this and that was part of why I didn't have many friends. It was during this time I developed my own private fantasy world. I used it to retreat from the world. I would lie to friends and I have apologised for it. Dealt with why I did that as well. As a result, a lot of friends and acquaintances left my life. When they did, my ego would kick in wondering what was wrong with me. I know why now. However, in the last two years things changed.
Two years ago I had to leave my job. I lost people from my life. I was mega depressed. In October 2014 I wanted to kill myself badly. I was put on antidepressants. I gradually worked through things and came out the other side. I've had to work to lose weight from the antidepressants. My anxiety is very low, my depression under my control and I'm clearheaded.
I look at my friends list on Facebook now and I don't know why I am friends with the people I am. Perhaps it's because I've changed. I used to do anything to help people to keep them around. I would only hear from people if they wanted help and I encouraged it. Now those people, I have no place for them. They are just names on a list. They aren't friends anymore. They served a purpose.
I've learned from my experiences. Making new friends is never easy but I am making the effort. I've got a small group now, I still have individual friends as well. Those friends are people I like. I don't complain if I don't see them. I just send a text and say hi how are you and reach out.
Part of having friends, I realise now, is knowing who you are and being comfortable with that. More people will come into my life however, holding on to people who no longer serve a purpose is counter productive.
The other part of the changing times is ideal vs reality. The last week I was pining for my ex. I had never committed to her and drove her away. I spoke to a friend who knew me well and was told "yeah your jerkbrain is trying to keep you from moving forward." What I realised is I was fixated on a time and memories. All of which are seen through rose coloured glasses. I was missing an idea of a person and not that person herself. I'm a different guy from back then and the man who was with her has grown a lot. For me, the challenge is getting out of my head and not building things which aren't there. As much as my internal world is fantastic I often neglect the external.