Normally I wouldn't post something so cathartic and revealing on a public forum however, sometimes I just feel like getting it out. Maybe it can help others too. At times it may sound like something I stole from a text book but in truth, this is the reality of it. Let me be straight forward: I am not looking for sympathy or attention.
I have an addiction: pornography.
I never thought it would be something that would have an impact yet it did. It would be as simple as grabbing my laptop, typing in the link to a porn website and going from there. It was a case of my using porn to be aroused and replace the intimacy of relationships. It got to a point where I needed porn to be aroused. Being with a woman recently, I couldn't get a hard erection and maintain it. It hit my manhood and my ego hard. I didn't want to admit that I had a problem. Despite the fact I'm good at foreplay, I felt as if I was cheating on my partner mentally and leaving her with low self esteem and feeling like she was unattractive.
I found that I wasn't finding people attractive. I found that intimacy didn't occur easily for me. I would spend time on my own than dating and getting out there.
When you strip it away, it comes down to low self esteem, low self worth and fear of relationships, intimacy and being vulnerable. I've been in relationships where I've been hurt badly and I have been of the feeling that I will never be good enough for someone. In the case of the latter, it is in regards to my appearance and personality. There are a lot of issues there but I am yet to really unpack them and grow. A lot of the time I was bored and had nothing else to do (which I now think is not true as I had plenty of things to do). In many cases I was using porn to run away and hide. I have a lot of learning to do and growing going forward.
I have had to cut out using this site for a while and seeing the beautiful women on here. Just to be crystal clear, I don't consider this site to be potnographic in the nature. It's more art. However given that there is content that could be used for arousal, I have to steer clear of it. Same for any other type of picture really.
Now comes the hard part: rewiring and rebooting. I can't masturbate or look at porn. I need to become a guy that can get aroused without porn. The urges are building in intensity to just jump on a porn website and get back to it. There is a lot of self control happening. My brain is looking for that dopamine hit that comes with orgasm. The urge to do it will most likely build in intensity over the next week. There is one thing that hasn't happened through this process: get an erection.
This is more for me to get it out there. Maybe someone might read this and think that they could have the same issue. Maybe you might. Maybe you might know someone who could have the issue. Either way I'll be getting professional help.
This is the journey of recovering a healthy sex drive that I now need to develop. It's day 3 today and maybe I'll post some updates as I go.