War Proposal
As a rabid supported of our superior president and his flawless war in Iraq, I want to take a moment to cut through all of this "War opposition". Those of you who resist this troop surge are foolish. Violence and bloodshed is how this began, and obviously the ONLY way it can end! It would be a mistake to approach this situation any other way. I appluade out president for being one of the few Americans to recognize this. Unless we blow up everyone who opposes us, terrorism will run rampant.
Now, while I would gladly shine the presnident's shoes on any day of the week with any requested body fluid and a dollar bill, I do think he is mistaken on one aspect. A troop surge of 21,000? Come on folks, what will THAT do? We need more...many many more troops over there. I propose drafting 50,000,000 Americans into the military, and lowering the draft age to 6 (as this is the age empirical studies have show a child capable of aiming and firing a gun). We reinforce our current troop levels with these additional 50 million, and sweep the country from bottom to top. Anyone who voices a hint of opposition is immediately executed, and American flags are tattooed onto the chests of everyone who is left. Since the only death toll that matters in this war is that of American soliders, we will simply collect the bodies of the millions of Iraqis we exterminate, and release them into outerspace (in the direction of the sun).
Once the sweep of the country is done and we have yanked the poisonous roots of terrorism from the soil of the Earth, we begin phase two. Our 50,000,000 American troops trade in their military IDs for Happy Face pins. That's right, we construct 300 Walmarts throughout the conuntry and enforce the American dream upon our neighbors as part of the rebuilding process. Obviously, 50 million people is too many employees for 300 Walmarts, so we continue with reconstruction. McDonalds, Starbucks, and Applebees are just a few of the businesses we need to fertilize their land with. Once established and staffed, these seeds grow and blossom. Perhaps the Iraqis will even realize their own American dream of building mini-malls!
Finally, after we train the Iraqis to run these businesses, we will consider main withdrawl by 2054, however an open-ended committment is necessary for a remaining 2 million Americans to ensure that English continues to be the primary language, and the rebelious Iraqi youth does not try to sandblast their American tattoos off their chests. Oh, and with any luck, our raping of the Earth for the resources to rebuild the country will hopefully cause a swift and violent increase in Global Warming. I am optimistic that the ocean levels will drown out most of Eastern Europe, all of Africa and South America (what have THEY ever done for the world), and the desserts of Australia. But just in case that doesn't happen, we may want to consider additional troop increases....
As a rabid supported of our superior president and his flawless war in Iraq, I want to take a moment to cut through all of this "War opposition". Those of you who resist this troop surge are foolish. Violence and bloodshed is how this began, and obviously the ONLY way it can end! It would be a mistake to approach this situation any other way. I appluade out president for being one of the few Americans to recognize this. Unless we blow up everyone who opposes us, terrorism will run rampant.
Now, while I would gladly shine the presnident's shoes on any day of the week with any requested body fluid and a dollar bill, I do think he is mistaken on one aspect. A troop surge of 21,000? Come on folks, what will THAT do? We need more...many many more troops over there. I propose drafting 50,000,000 Americans into the military, and lowering the draft age to 6 (as this is the age empirical studies have show a child capable of aiming and firing a gun). We reinforce our current troop levels with these additional 50 million, and sweep the country from bottom to top. Anyone who voices a hint of opposition is immediately executed, and American flags are tattooed onto the chests of everyone who is left. Since the only death toll that matters in this war is that of American soliders, we will simply collect the bodies of the millions of Iraqis we exterminate, and release them into outerspace (in the direction of the sun).
Once the sweep of the country is done and we have yanked the poisonous roots of terrorism from the soil of the Earth, we begin phase two. Our 50,000,000 American troops trade in their military IDs for Happy Face pins. That's right, we construct 300 Walmarts throughout the conuntry and enforce the American dream upon our neighbors as part of the rebuilding process. Obviously, 50 million people is too many employees for 300 Walmarts, so we continue with reconstruction. McDonalds, Starbucks, and Applebees are just a few of the businesses we need to fertilize their land with. Once established and staffed, these seeds grow and blossom. Perhaps the Iraqis will even realize their own American dream of building mini-malls!
Finally, after we train the Iraqis to run these businesses, we will consider main withdrawl by 2054, however an open-ended committment is necessary for a remaining 2 million Americans to ensure that English continues to be the primary language, and the rebelious Iraqi youth does not try to sandblast their American tattoos off their chests. Oh, and with any luck, our raping of the Earth for the resources to rebuild the country will hopefully cause a swift and violent increase in Global Warming. I am optimistic that the ocean levels will drown out most of Eastern Europe, all of Africa and South America (what have THEY ever done for the world), and the desserts of Australia. But just in case that doesn't happen, we may want to consider additional troop increases....
shando:
Satire abound. 