Lesson in being the fool.
or, Midwest ignorant fucks, the unfortunate battle begins.
I just woke up from a dream. I was at my fav bar, but no one would talk to me, everyone gave me that eye, you know that eye, the "who the fuck are you?!?!?" eye. I left, pissed. Walkin away, every car had three guys in it, and they were laughing, screaming "fight the system" and "marylin manson". I kicked every one of those cars that I could.
I was transported to a bus with my mother, sister, and best friend from high school. they were asking me why I had turned so cold.
"BECAUSE HUMANS ARE LOUSY FUCKS. and I can't handle it anymore. They fuck with me I fuck back - I've seen that look in your eyes also, that goddamn look. I'll cut them." I looked around at everyone on the bus.
"JUST LIKE ALL YOU DOUCHBAGS RIGHT FUCKIN NOW! I"D PISS ON YOU. Think you're better. YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER YOU ARE PATHETIC. My own family. MY OWN FAMILY. Where are you? You're right FUCKING here in front of me, and I feel nothing. I am so sick of being the odd one, the screw up. I am not you. AND THANK GOD" Then I laughed. I laughed at all of them so hard, I nearly fainted.
The bus stopped and all the lights went out.
I woke up for a minute, crying. Then fell asleep again.
The bus drops us all off at another bus terminal, why I don't know. There are quarters all over the ground. I bare my teeth at the vultures surounding me, and furiously begin to pick up the oversized quarters. Then I hear someone say,
"Anyone need a quarter for the bus?"
I look up, some of the vultures, now frightened little creatures, naked, raise their hands cautiously. The man begins to hand out the quarters he has collected.
I look down at my bag, at all the quarters I had picked up. Then, I see my mother and old friend with their hand raised. I bring them quarters. Their heads remain down, and I cry.
And now I am awake.
I hate what I'm turning into here, how much more hatred I hold.
The past few weeks everytime my friend and I go out, some "jock douchbag" starts shit. The first of these recent incidents, we were walking to the library hollywood to look for the film "Faust". On the other side of the street are three guys, sports guys, and they say " fight the system", laugh and high five each other. I look at my friend. He's pissed. I scream,
"BITCHES!!! COME THE FUCK BACK> YOU TALK SHIT THEN LETS FUCKIN GO".
The fat one of the there unzipps his pants and grabs his balls.
I was so angy I was shaking. The shaking and anger didn't leave, the whole time we were in the video store. As we walked back home, the three douches were at a bar, outside. I looked at my friend, "Is that them?" Charles walkes over, flips them off and spits in their direction. They laugh again. I furously march toward their little table, toward their lttle squeshy faces. And I explode. But not with anger. Crying, I confess,
"WHat the fuck is wrong with you? You don't know me! I would NEVER talk shit to you. I would go out for a drink with you guys, I would never have judged you because you look the way you do. I AM A GOOD PERSON< AND I WORK HARD." Between tears and shaking, "Next time you walk by someone who looks different, don't make fun of em, just LEAVE THEM ALONE".
We walk away. Later that night, we walk by the same bar. The bouncer said to me, "we kicked those guys out after you left. You are a beautiful girl, don't let them ruin your night their not worth it".
Then, last night, I was drunk. A cab pulls by me and my buddy as we walk to NEO. I look over, one of the guys is laughing. I looked him in the eye, and he laughed. THey stopped at a red light. I run up, "yOU TALKING SHIT?" the guys answers no, I turn to walk away and he starts to laugh. I turn back around. Storm to the cab. YOU WANT TO GET FUCKIN PUNCHED IN THE HEAD?" I take a step back, he says, "Gothic fuckin bitch" I move in, spit on his lap, flip him off as the window is rolled up, then I punch the cab window as hard as I could. They take off, the light is green.
Good thing I didn't have my knife.
What the fuck is happening to me? I've never been like this, but I never really had to. People treated people with more respect in Portland Oregon, not like here. Midwest Chicago, all american sports finatics, they have reared their ugly heads, and I have reared mine. I use to beleive that people were good, maybe just a bit confused. Now I don't know anything. All I know is that I want to leave this goddamn city. There are enemys here, enemys I never desearved. They are a threat, and this is war, and I want to wash my hands. What do i want? I want the respect I give, I want people to shut up and realize that we are the same. I want peace and the ability to be who I am without others inforcing bigitry. Ignorance. But, how I acted was ignorant also. Violence with violence is ignorant. They will never learn anything from me.
Sometimes though, I want a bomb. Colombine is understandable, TO A POINT. You push someone, they will push back. I don't like being in these thoughts.
I just want to lay my head, live, and find my way.
or, Midwest ignorant fucks, the unfortunate battle begins.
I just woke up from a dream. I was at my fav bar, but no one would talk to me, everyone gave me that eye, you know that eye, the "who the fuck are you?!?!?" eye. I left, pissed. Walkin away, every car had three guys in it, and they were laughing, screaming "fight the system" and "marylin manson". I kicked every one of those cars that I could.
I was transported to a bus with my mother, sister, and best friend from high school. they were asking me why I had turned so cold.
"BECAUSE HUMANS ARE LOUSY FUCKS. and I can't handle it anymore. They fuck with me I fuck back - I've seen that look in your eyes also, that goddamn look. I'll cut them." I looked around at everyone on the bus.
"JUST LIKE ALL YOU DOUCHBAGS RIGHT FUCKIN NOW! I"D PISS ON YOU. Think you're better. YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER YOU ARE PATHETIC. My own family. MY OWN FAMILY. Where are you? You're right FUCKING here in front of me, and I feel nothing. I am so sick of being the odd one, the screw up. I am not you. AND THANK GOD" Then I laughed. I laughed at all of them so hard, I nearly fainted.
The bus stopped and all the lights went out.
I woke up for a minute, crying. Then fell asleep again.
The bus drops us all off at another bus terminal, why I don't know. There are quarters all over the ground. I bare my teeth at the vultures surounding me, and furiously begin to pick up the oversized quarters. Then I hear someone say,
"Anyone need a quarter for the bus?"
I look up, some of the vultures, now frightened little creatures, naked, raise their hands cautiously. The man begins to hand out the quarters he has collected.
I look down at my bag, at all the quarters I had picked up. Then, I see my mother and old friend with their hand raised. I bring them quarters. Their heads remain down, and I cry.
And now I am awake.
I hate what I'm turning into here, how much more hatred I hold.
The past few weeks everytime my friend and I go out, some "jock douchbag" starts shit. The first of these recent incidents, we were walking to the library hollywood to look for the film "Faust". On the other side of the street are three guys, sports guys, and they say " fight the system", laugh and high five each other. I look at my friend. He's pissed. I scream,
"BITCHES!!! COME THE FUCK BACK> YOU TALK SHIT THEN LETS FUCKIN GO".
The fat one of the there unzipps his pants and grabs his balls.
I was so angy I was shaking. The shaking and anger didn't leave, the whole time we were in the video store. As we walked back home, the three douches were at a bar, outside. I looked at my friend, "Is that them?" Charles walkes over, flips them off and spits in their direction. They laugh again. I furously march toward their little table, toward their lttle squeshy faces. And I explode. But not with anger. Crying, I confess,
"WHat the fuck is wrong with you? You don't know me! I would NEVER talk shit to you. I would go out for a drink with you guys, I would never have judged you because you look the way you do. I AM A GOOD PERSON< AND I WORK HARD." Between tears and shaking, "Next time you walk by someone who looks different, don't make fun of em, just LEAVE THEM ALONE".
We walk away. Later that night, we walk by the same bar. The bouncer said to me, "we kicked those guys out after you left. You are a beautiful girl, don't let them ruin your night their not worth it".
Then, last night, I was drunk. A cab pulls by me and my buddy as we walk to NEO. I look over, one of the guys is laughing. I looked him in the eye, and he laughed. THey stopped at a red light. I run up, "yOU TALKING SHIT?" the guys answers no, I turn to walk away and he starts to laugh. I turn back around. Storm to the cab. YOU WANT TO GET FUCKIN PUNCHED IN THE HEAD?" I take a step back, he says, "Gothic fuckin bitch" I move in, spit on his lap, flip him off as the window is rolled up, then I punch the cab window as hard as I could. They take off, the light is green.
Good thing I didn't have my knife.
What the fuck is happening to me? I've never been like this, but I never really had to. People treated people with more respect in Portland Oregon, not like here. Midwest Chicago, all american sports finatics, they have reared their ugly heads, and I have reared mine. I use to beleive that people were good, maybe just a bit confused. Now I don't know anything. All I know is that I want to leave this goddamn city. There are enemys here, enemys I never desearved. They are a threat, and this is war, and I want to wash my hands. What do i want? I want the respect I give, I want people to shut up and realize that we are the same. I want peace and the ability to be who I am without others inforcing bigitry. Ignorance. But, how I acted was ignorant also. Violence with violence is ignorant. They will never learn anything from me.
Sometimes though, I want a bomb. Colombine is understandable, TO A POINT. You push someone, they will push back. I don't like being in these thoughts.
I just want to lay my head, live, and find my way.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
They have their own issues and insecurities and they're taking 'em out on you.
Just be happy and comfortable with who you are and with those you know are your friends and do respect you. Don't waste your time or energy worrying about the assholes.
I rented Land of the Dead, which was pretty good compared to the remake of Dawn of the Dead which I really wasn't too thrilled with... Other than that, I just sat around on the computer putting together a proposal for a new client.
So what parts of the city have you spent the most time in since you've lived here? I'm so out of the loop after having been gone for six years that most of the places I used to go to have changed for the worse..
Well... I'd write more, but unfortunately I have to get back to work designing a whole house music system for a client who has too much damn money for her own good *rolls eyes* This woman has furniture worth more than I make in a year!