ada

So I went to this wedding on Friday, friends of Adam's... fuck. They spent some $$$ on this thing! The ceremony was at this GORGEOUS old church in Bolton Hill-- all stone and ornate details and tons of stained glass windows. It was amazingly beautiful, and the surroundings made up for the fact that we had to sit through a fucking Catholic Mass ... really though, I didn't mind. I have a Catholic-boy fetish, so getting to watch Adam cross himself and kneel, say all the stuff, and go wait in line to receive communion like a good boy was a rare treat for me.

The reception was at the Belvedere... again it was amazing. When we got there we had "cocktail hour" in this gorgeous lounge room with all this gorgeous furniture and murals on all the walls. There was one other couple there that we were friends with so we hung out with them at this table in the corner. It sounds silly when I say it now, but the whole thing just felt so "grown-up"-- all of us dressed up and eating all these great h'ordervres and drinking cocktails-- like the way I imagined the parties my parent's would go to when I was a kid. I know I sound all star-struck and ridiculous, but cut me some slack-- i'm not used to hanging out with rich people.

Most of the other people our age there were douchebag lawyers (the bride and grrom had met at law school) so we stuck in our little group, which was fine. After a while the party was moved over to the ballroom across the hall for dinner and champagne and all of that-- again, it was beautiful-- giant gold and crystal chandeliers, a huge marble-tiled dancefloor, almost as many waiters as there were guests (and there were a LOT of guests.) After dinner Adam and his friend snuck out for a little while to go smoke or something, and I was left talking to his friends wife. Who I love. But we'd all been drinking alot and some drama ensued...

The abbreviated version is that she had asked Adam a question that was really none of her business, he had given her an answer that he shouldn't have, she then asked me the same question and told me what he had said. Which was not the answer I had expected. The whole thing had to do with he and I moving in together, the if/when/how of it. To be fair, she brought it up in the context of "I've known Adam for a long time. He and my husband are very alike. My husband used to be a certain way and he isn't anymore and I know Adam isn't really either, no matter what he says, so don't worry about it." Except that when Adam and I had had the conversation, several times alreday, in fact, he had been very much FOR it, not against it. But that's apparantly not what he told her. It was embarrassing for me, because it made me look like I was all deluded and had no idea how my boyfriend actually feels about stuff. Which left me wondering... if that was true.

So I brush the whole thing off and we resume talking about the at bridesmaid who used to sleep with her husband and what a skanky bitch she is, and of course the second Adam gets back and I get him alone I bring up the whole conversation with him. Which I probably shouldn't have. She told me what he said in confidence, thinking we were bonding over how silly men are in pretending to be uninterested in commitment and all that. But... I have to kind of justify telling him-- he and I don't have that typical kind of relationship, I guess. We're both very open and honest about how we feel about each other, we share our feelings and concerns and problems and deal with them... so I couldn't just let this comment sink into my psyche and make me insecure the way it already was without bringing it up with him. Plus the idea that he was telling me one thing and telling other people another really bothered me. I've dated guys who did that. Who either felt the need to keep their real feelings for me from their friends, because they cared too much what their friends thought, or who felt the need to lie to me about how they felt because they thought I was too sensitive to deal with the truth (I've yet to establish which one was the case-- all I know is that I would constantly be discovering these inconsistancies and it drove me crazy and made me insecure and upset)... Anyway, Adam isn't like that. At all. Ever. At least I thought so. And the possibility that he was doing that was incredibly unnerving. It would mean I didn't know him at all. That the things that I thought were different about him- that made him so special-- were not really different at all. I'm surprised I can articulate any of this at all, considering how drunk I was when it was all racing through my head...

Anyway, I told him what she'd said and that I was upset about it. He immediately freaked out, told me that's not what he'd said, she'd misinterpreted it, why would I beileve what she said over what he told me, they're not even that good of friends, etc. And she showed up right then and he started yelling at her immediately and she said "did you tell him what I told you?" And I felt immediately terrible for being so sensitive about it and making it into an issue that needed to be discussed between us... I could've brushed it off, or at least waited until we got home later to bring it up... but I was really drunk and acting on impulse the way I do sometimes. Anyway, she stormed off. He went to try and talk to her and she ignored him. She came back to our table a little later-- and sat on the other side and ignored us (she'd been sitting next to me before)... great.

I am SO fucking bad at getting along with girls. I forget all the special girl friend rules and codes and stuff. This is why I have no friends. Fuck.

We left shortly after that, and I passed out on the bed almost immediately, so that was the night.

Overall, I'd still say it was fun and I had a good time. But I still feel unsettled about the way ther night ended... both the fact that this girl hates me now and that I'm still not sure exactly why Adam said what he said to her and whether I'm completely confident that things are still the way i thought they were.

I do trust him, completely. But this particular issue is one that I'm particularily sensitive about. Discussions about moving in together are what led to my last breakup. I'm well ware that it's a sensitive issue in realtionships-- it symbolizes moving to the next level of commitment... I certainly wouldn't want Adam to agree to do it if he was doing it just to appease me. I only want to if he wants to. It has to be mutual or it doesn't mean anything. I'm not so pressed to be shacking up and getting married and all that crap-- I'm young and I'm pretty independant. The only reason I told our friend that we were going to do it-- is because he and I had had several discussions where we both revealed that we wanted that next level of commitment to each other. I thought we were on the same page. I hope we are.