My most recent ex and I broke up, I think sometime in March, and she didn't end up moving out until sometime in May. Since I had a couple of months of living together to adjust to the fact that we were broken up, it turned out to be one of the smoothest breakups in my history. No, strike that (damn you, no strike tag!), THE smoothest. We don't really talk anymore, though that's more a fuction of her adjustment/breakup technique than mine.
After we split, I slowly became quite aloof - some might even say callous. Sort of like I somehow reprogrammed myself ot shut off extreme feelings. Prevously, of course, I fluxated wildly between gloomy and hyper. Now, though, I just idle. I'm never really sad, but I'm never quite happy , either. I'm sure, on some level, it has to do with the breakup, but I think it probably runs a little deeper than that. (Alright, a lot deeper). I don't necessarily think it's bad (though I'm sure some might), and I don't really see it as particularly good (though I suppose some might). It's just sort of who I am at this point. The Tao will as the Tao wills, or whatever. I'm cool with it.
Recently, though, some external threats to my stability have bubbled up. Nothing serious, mind you. I don't mind that we broke up and I don't even mind that going out with her cost me my best friend. This is just the price of doing buisness.
For the first time, I'm starting to feel a tiny bit sad. Disappointed more than sad, maybe. Even when we broke up, I didn't have any problems with her as a *person*. She's lazy and unmotivated, irrational and flighty, slightly self absorbed, quick to anger, and very, very messy. These are not issues, they are just "pet peeves." Though our inability to live together was ultimately the cause of our breakup, I don't begrudge her these things (especially since I know that my issues are at *least* as bad, and probably much, much worse).
Now, though, I'm beginning to question my respect for her as a person. She didn't do any one huge thing to earn my scorn. She never cheated on me (unlike all but one other ex), she didn't sleep with three guys in a weekend the instant we broke up (like one ex), and she didn't leave me straddled with enormous bills (like a different ex). No, she just acted. . . different.
This isn't one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. (Well, maybe a little) I always assumed we'd still be friends, especially considering the amiability of the breakup. Instead, she brings along wingmen (wingwomen?) whenever we have to meet each other. I always assumed that she was - under it all - a strong willed individual, but now it just seems like she's *willful*. Most of all, I always assumed she at least had some basic understanding of who I was and how I worked. Yet, as soon as we broke up she immedately began to assume I would react like a drunken fiend to the idea of her dating other people (as well as dating a girl), even though I don't think I've ever even so much as raised by voice to her.
I guess I'm just disappointed that she's not quite the person I thought she was, disappointed that I thought she was a different person, and disappointed that this even disappoints me.
When I was a small fry, probably around 10, I saw some anime on HBO that moved me to the core of my being. Over the years, I forgot everything about it except how it touched me, and I spent 10 years looking for it. When I fianlly bought it (Warriors of the Wind), it was totally wretched. I feel sort of like that.
(In retrospect, perhaps Red Dawn would have been a better example. I thought it kicked ass when I was a kid, but now it just watches like something that came out of someone's ass.)
Strange times ahead.
After we split, I slowly became quite aloof - some might even say callous. Sort of like I somehow reprogrammed myself ot shut off extreme feelings. Prevously, of course, I fluxated wildly between gloomy and hyper. Now, though, I just idle. I'm never really sad, but I'm never quite happy , either. I'm sure, on some level, it has to do with the breakup, but I think it probably runs a little deeper than that. (Alright, a lot deeper). I don't necessarily think it's bad (though I'm sure some might), and I don't really see it as particularly good (though I suppose some might). It's just sort of who I am at this point. The Tao will as the Tao wills, or whatever. I'm cool with it.
Recently, though, some external threats to my stability have bubbled up. Nothing serious, mind you. I don't mind that we broke up and I don't even mind that going out with her cost me my best friend. This is just the price of doing buisness.
For the first time, I'm starting to feel a tiny bit sad. Disappointed more than sad, maybe. Even when we broke up, I didn't have any problems with her as a *person*. She's lazy and unmotivated, irrational and flighty, slightly self absorbed, quick to anger, and very, very messy. These are not issues, they are just "pet peeves." Though our inability to live together was ultimately the cause of our breakup, I don't begrudge her these things (especially since I know that my issues are at *least* as bad, and probably much, much worse).
Now, though, I'm beginning to question my respect for her as a person. She didn't do any one huge thing to earn my scorn. She never cheated on me (unlike all but one other ex), she didn't sleep with three guys in a weekend the instant we broke up (like one ex), and she didn't leave me straddled with enormous bills (like a different ex). No, she just acted. . . different.
This isn't one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. (Well, maybe a little) I always assumed we'd still be friends, especially considering the amiability of the breakup. Instead, she brings along wingmen (wingwomen?) whenever we have to meet each other. I always assumed that she was - under it all - a strong willed individual, but now it just seems like she's *willful*. Most of all, I always assumed she at least had some basic understanding of who I was and how I worked. Yet, as soon as we broke up she immedately began to assume I would react like a drunken fiend to the idea of her dating other people (as well as dating a girl), even though I don't think I've ever even so much as raised by voice to her.
I guess I'm just disappointed that she's not quite the person I thought she was, disappointed that I thought she was a different person, and disappointed that this even disappoints me.
When I was a small fry, probably around 10, I saw some anime on HBO that moved me to the core of my being. Over the years, I forgot everything about it except how it touched me, and I spent 10 years looking for it. When I fianlly bought it (Warriors of the Wind), it was totally wretched. I feel sort of like that.
(In retrospect, perhaps Red Dawn would have been a better example. I thought it kicked ass when I was a kid, but now it just watches like something that came out of someone's ass.)
Strange times ahead.
legionnaire:
Great story for your newswire submission, it's something I've always been interested in but hasn't gotten a lot of press until recently. I'm glad to see a more equitable distribution of electoral votes - the winner take all model is just absurd. Thanks again, I'm looking forward to reading more stories from you in the future.