acidduck

I just found some really old stuff I wrote for a music collaboration I was in several years ago. It's funny, a number of my friends call me Mr. Cranky, and just reading some of this stuff, I realise I am no where near as cranky as I used to be... damn, I guess I really didn't like God much (not that I ever really believed in a God anyway). Well, I know nobody reads my stupid posts, but I'm gonna insert a few of these past writings I did from a time long since passed just because I can...

Reflecting My Hatred

By Clay

My joy to find the wound still open
The source for healing is still broken
Impossible dream for another beating
Deeper the cut, sweeter the feeding

I'm not as fragile as they will have you believe.
Hate me for who I am... Not what you see.

A conquest of hate for all concerned
Abolish the need and have them burned
A selfish lie to cover the guilt
The final brick of the walls you built

A simple plan for piece of mind
One last glance of what's behind
The patience to wait for all that's best
But lack of faith and tempt for rest

Reflection so pale, yet coloured of you
With the stare which proves less than true
God reigns behind the snearing mirror
Crying like you've done a million times before

It's time to rest my freind



Deity For The Fearful

By Clay

Look to the sky for some truth in his tales
A faith in a lie softened a fall so great
As vital as the poison that keeps you down
From your dreams so ill with such spite & hate

In the hands of those earned of trust
Ambition demolished to a smouldering ash
Like walls you built from fear in your faith
A burning mass you knew would crash

Fear begets this vile hate
This is your god of hypocrisy...
The only salvation I seek is in hiding;
Hiding from the cruelty of your deity



Need Me

By Clay

Rush of purity
A moment of clarity
Her smile...
Remind me in a while

Total darkness
See everything
Her voice...
Tell me one thing

I am impossible
I feed on misery

The beat of silence
Sense to belong
Pounding the drum
Never felt it could be wrong

The smell of sweat
So far away
Inside we're free;
She smells of me

I'm impossible
And hardly lasting
A virtual failure
Please tell me one thing



Plunder Just For You

By Clay

Performance to fill the time
Abhorrence for this void
lie: hide my fault
Needs & dreams destroyed

Violent outburst
I needed you
Plead: help me now
And yet I still do

Scattered feelings abroad
Disgust in my loathing
Restrain: sit in lull
She's all but nothing

Comparison to all I know
So sweet and unfair
Discharge: forget the losses
Damage will not repair

This is my fault...
Missed virtues shadow me
Like the immortal statue of my defeat
Cold, unmoving, and forever a testiment to the ultimate plunder.

My loss - Don't forget me.



Silent Voices

By Clay

Faithful to nothing
But the lie that I lead
Silence the hate
My ears still bleed

The voices are stronger
The days feel longer
I'm still here

Living this daily
The same old shit
Try on a new mask
None of them fit

Unclean like the mass
That cloud my thought
With the loss of all
The purity I've sought

The voices are stronger
The days are longer
How long can I wait for this?



The Vampire Girls

By Clay

Precious don't
Can't do it for herself
Precious won't
Couldn't risk her fragile health

Precious plays
Little game; give me give me
Precious knows
Take it all, all she sees

Trust nothing
Breed to kill
Selfless wish
Leads to nil

It always leads to nil
Always has, always will

Precious wants
More than she could need
Precious preys
Insect to the weed

Trust nothing
Breed to kill
Selfless wish
Leads to nil

It always leads to nil
Always has, always will

Precious isn't
Isn't now; Wasn't then
Precious broken
Final lie; bitter end



Touch Kills

By Clay

So much skin
A blanket of hate
I hate to be
What I can't escape

Fall from the heights
Of premium delusion
To this pit of filth
And carnal confusion

Through filtered hope
A voice will suffice
A scratch on white
My scars for life

The tragic bears no reason
Self absorbed to be adored
Trouble no one and blessed by none
Blackened windows and opened doors

Do not touch Me.
I cannot have you;
Cannot be you

Touch kills while the sensation enthralls



Tube

By Clay

Bound by the chair
Flicker. Twitch.
Blink: Relief at the slightest avail
Vidi once more again and again.

Value this thought - creation:
But savour the contempt of motion

Still to the light
Glimmer. Flinch.
Swallow: Plastic meal, family four
Consume the stale again once more

Value this thought - migration:
Conceal the lack of temptation

A belief in the sight and the sound
The lie that the world has found

Smashed up.
I'll pull the plug
I culminate to the static
I will not... cannot be this.



Too Much Time...

By Clay

I spend too much time in contempt.

I spend too much time dreaming.

I spend too much time seeking solitude, to contemplate my own lonliness.

I spend too much time obsessing over what I cannot ever have.

I spend too much time in self deceipt.

I spend too much time wishing for happiness.

I spend too much time hiding.

I spend too much time in denial of who I am.

I spend too much time in self pity.

I'd like to stop to reconsider everything I have chosen...

Only to make the same mistakes again.



Little World

By Clay

Can't follow anything
Match up to my special friend
Sink into the pits of filth
Catch up for our fatal end

So entwined with destiny
Forgot to count the times
I cannot say or think those little things
That send me mad for this

Caught up in a little world
For a little while
For a little taste
Of bitterness
And self destruction
Reflection... My enemy

(I couldn't feel alive...)

Fall back on your sympathy
Don't look at me; Don't think of me.
So good that we cannot see
Your pettiness - My apathy

Rest up
Rest up
Can't fuck up now
But I know I always will



Where I Wait

By Clay

Cannot find a way
To say the words I need to say

Couldn't take away
The little happiness I found today

Never thought I'd miss this;
Until the day you went away
...You went away

This is where I wait
This is where I'll stay
For the little sweet nothing
That comes my way

Gone away
Took a piece of me with you

Lost my sense
Of self respect

What's wrong with me...



Sacrificial

By Clay

HE is the bandit
HE'll steal your soul
The biggest fall of my life
And HE dug the hole

Could I hang forever just to satisfy you
Would I breathe the sulfur just to satisfy you
Should I burn forever just to satisfy you
Ah...fuck it.

I am electric
Don't touch the wire
10 million volts of my anger
Won't singe the liar

I am the doer
I follow your lead
Don't turn your back on me now
It's time to bleed

Could I hang forever just to satisfy you
Would I breathe the sulfur just to satisfy you
Should I burn forever just to satisfy you
Ah...fuck it.

I lit the fire
Might burn forever
Would it rain the day I die?
"Yes" still means never

Gonna burn this place before I die
Gonna set you free before your time.

Will you die for a greater cause?
Will you die for me?
Would you die to get what you want?
We'll wait and see...



Insanity

By Clay

My violence
The hidden shame
That awful taste
To speak your name

Insanity
Blurred family
Insanity
Hostility

Insanity
No company
Insanity -
It's so lonely

Self assured
A hurtful need
The warmest place
I want to feed

Agonised mind
To be ignored
The greatest prize
I can't afford

And I contradict my words with this
Despising feeling of hate for you

Not a single fucking thoughtful word
Which left your lips was true

When I opened myself to let you in
It was my sanity which got away

And I'm still picking up the pieces that
You stole from me, and left to decay



That'll do for now. Thanks for reading.

Mr. Cranky.