abyssia

i want to scream or cry or something but there really are no words for this and i don't know what to do with it because usually i write something or other but now i can't even think of a place to start so i just sort of started in the middle and now i'm testing out the emergency broadcast system but it's not broadcasting very clearly at all - no one in their right mind could possibly pick up the truth of this message or even discern the depths of what lies behind it because you know what? i don't want them to dammit! and i know i said i'm trying not to "damn" things but fuck that, it's just part of how i talk and sometimes, when i'm not quite in the most lucid state of mind, it's best to just go with what comes out of the mind and let it flow, you know? so i said dammit. i didn't even spell it right. it's the cute way. bugger. i don't really have the power to damn anything and honestly, i don't believe that anything or anyone actually can damn and get this! there is nowhere to be damned to! christ on the fucking-ass cross but this is hell if i ever saw it and i have seen it but you don't want to know about that - oh no you don't because then you wouldn't be able to even imagine a smile - or that i could smile - and then you would wonder what was really behind my smiles and you'd never quite trust me again, but my smiles are honest and true because i have seen heaven too so i can smile and i can move back and forth, to and fro and i can know what you might never wish to know or care to believe or ever see but that's ok, i love you all anyway. that's where it is. love.

all done.