abyssia

nine and a half years ago
she came with me
i left then too
i thought it was my fault
he barely touched me
masturbated to those ever-eighteen year-olds
pretzel-locked in lesbian embraces
or double - even triple stuffed -
ass, pussy and faces!
he masturbated to the tile in the shower.
he did not look at me.
i left.
there were some other things....
i thought i could fix my newfound anxiety by a quick trip home
she came with me.
my canine companion - rode on my lap
rode on my lap, in a u-haul, nigh on 3,000 miles
i did not think i was leaving him then.
i thought it was me - that i needed fixing
that i was wrong and
and that with a little psychiatric help....

nothing had changed when we got back together.
of course it looked as if it had - at first.
i requested weekly flowers - such a silly thing - but
but it meant so much.
i was much crazier by then.
it wasnt just anxiety, but psychosis
memories of things done to my body as a child
medications, suicide attempts
but i had maity and mostly -
most of the time when i was able to keep caring
when i could keep enough sanity about me
she kept me from wanting to go.
from wanting to die.

i should have brought her with me this time too.
there were complications.
this place, her arthritis....
still, there is a park for walking and romping and love, real love.
visions of razor blades dance in my head.
it isnt that i want to be dead...
its just that i dont want to be aware - conscious -
I Dont Want to Feel This

thats the reason i started cutting in the first place
no? way back when i was 12, 13?
the reason for the thanatopic thinking all these years?
escape.
a way to cope.
a way to see things more objectively.
to fucking FORCE objectivity.
and, to take care of myself.


he kept her because he knew it was the most cruel thing he could do to me.
i am certain he has a few more nastinesses up his sleeve -
but all pale in the face of this.
he took my Pooka.