abyssia

Happy Self-Injury Awareness Day!!!

I'm supposed to pretend to be someone else today, but as a Major Depressive Schizophrenic with Borderline Personality Disorder, I do that every day so I thought I'd pretend to be myself.

Hello. Wow, I really don't know what to say. I used to cut myself. That's why I care that it is self-injury awareness day. Oh, I burned a few times too. It isn't part of me anymore though. Well, the textured skin is.... Not much to be done about that! But I've found other ways of dealing with the things I used SI for in the past. The vertical shorthand I so often leave in here is one way. That would come in handy, but I can't seem to do it just now - right when I need it most! Why does that happen? I even tried starting in the middle. No dice. That is the most reliable method I have! *sigh*

Later today I'll be seeing a friend. I'm not quite fit for human consumption, but I must push myself to keep out of my shell. I had to cancel on a friend yesterday, which really sucked, but I was just too sick on top of everything else. Today it's just everything else and a hint of belly upset and lingering migraine. I sound pathetic and quite likely am, but even if my victories seem small to most, they are still victories to me. I'm not happy that this is the case - it certainly wasn't always this way for me. I wasn't always a hermit and even though depression has been a close friend my entire life, it didnt keep me from living. It's the new shit that's been getting in the way. Just the stupid anxiety issues. The voices and visions I can handle! And gods, I lost years to anti-psychotic medications because doctors thought I shouldn't even try to handle them.... Long story there. Rather tragic for my body. But I handle them just fine without the medications, which is useful since they will kill me if I ever take them again. Another somewhat complicated story.

So Ive been up all night again and Ill have maybe four hours of sleep before I must get ready to go out. People please! I dont do anything before the crack of noon!!! I know, rather inconvenient, but thats me. Im trying to learn how to not become the people I am with. I feel people so intensely, and I want to please them so much that I either become them or become what they want me to be. It makes it difficult to know which me I truly am. When a reaction comes deep from my gut, I usually trust it. Even that can be tricky though since my gut often tells me to help others when I need to be protecting myself. I dont want to become some sort of cold assed bitch I m not a reactionary person but I know I need to make certain I am making conscious decisions in addition to emotional ones.

Well, that is enough public self-exploration for one day. This pretending to be me is interesting. My breathing has slowed and my thoughts are not racing around quite so fast. This could be useful.

Thank you Oxfordboy