abyssia

I've a fever of 102. Yes, it is the flu. I am rather enjoying the floaty sensations, but I know it is not good for my brain. Poor brain, been through so much. All of those antidepressants and anti-psychotics - medications to try to make you fit the mold. Oh! And let us not forget the Electro-Shock Therapy. Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment! I don't know which or maybe it's both that have left the gaping holes in my memory that I find so embarrassing. So, could a little fever really do much more damage? Honestly, after all I've put my brain through (of course it was at the direction of a Medical Doctor - Psychiatrist if you will) but I should have known better. It is my skin sack and I alone am responsible for it's maintenance - at least now. Right? Can't blame me for the things others did when I was but a small child. Or maybe I should have cried out or run to my mummy? I can't remember enough to say. The last time he gave me a $2 bill. I didn't remember what he did, just that my retarded great uncle had stopped giving me silver dollars and gave me a rare $2 bill. I never spent it. I actually had it tacked to a post on my bed in college as a decoration. I was 21. I did not know it was payment. I could not remember. How sick that I should decorate my bed with it. I had lots of things on that bed, Hare Krishna prayer beads and a Jesus fan and junk.... His slime on me even then. His slime on me now. I will never be clean and yet I am always clean. I cannot explain. The original sin was done against me and yet it somehow soils me. I cannot scrub enough to get it off. Is it any wonder then that I should take any sexual rejection as a reaction to this inherent filth? That I should experience sex as an act of love and acceptance of me and of this burden I carry? Is this why I cannot simply fuck? Ive fooled myself into thinking that is what I was doing but. I dont really love too easily at all, do I? I seek love like a man lost in the desert seeks water. I do not get love, I get sex. Its ok, I misinterpret it just fine. Heh. Odd that I am still floating. Still wondering if I should bother to give this skin sack the pills it needs to bring the fever down. Maybe I should just burn up. Somehow that seems fitting. Truly fitting.