abyssia

I think Ill put some holly up - catch a fairy or two. I like the green. Ill do the real decorating in a couple of weeks. I just want something green and red rather than orange and brown in my house. My holly tree has the most beautiful red berries this year. Yum. ;o) Mistletoe too. When warriors met under mistletoe they put down their weapons - why? - it doesn't grow out of the ground and seems a fairy plant, magical, mystical, and therefore sacred and not to be profaned with human violence. No, Im not Wiccan. Im not exactly pagan. I follow no particular path - none but that which the Universe has set out for me or that we're working out together??? Hard to say. Best to say that I seek to align my will with that of the Universe - the Tao - the Unifying Force - that God Thing - whatever you might like to call it.

Look at me, Im typing in words and not even with much coherence, just thoughts but not completely random either - almost sentences! Im feeling hurt and betrayed but Im not sure how to go about addressing it since Im just not very good with these sorts of situations and since Im fairly certain the person who hurt me should know that they did but maybe I led them to believe otherwise? Oh man.... but how else to get the truth? "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device." Yup. I totally screwed this one up.

That brings me to my friend Paul. He has sent me a couple more poems to post in here. He is hoping that maybe someone will take an interest and write him a letter or two. Its boring as hell in jail. Ill post them soon with his full name and address. I write frequently but I can only be so entertaining, you know? Hes probably tired of hearing me talk about the voices in my head. Sometimes I give him transcripts. That pisses them off too. It can get kind of funny with me arguing with myself. No worries, he has them too - so he gets it. We were both sexually abused as children so its not so surprising we have a little psychosis going on. His was much worse than mine, I think. As well, if I had done what he did to land in jail, Id have spent a week in a nut house at the most. Thats because Im a woman and Im expected to freak out. Men arent allowed the luxury of nervous breakdowns in our egalitarian society. Men are violent and to be feared. Women are hysterical (our uteruses make us do it) and are to be tended to. It is true that women are less likely to harm other people than men, but that does not justify this prejudice in the area of mental illness. Paul is also bi-polar (manic depressive) I am only suffering from chronic Major Depression, which is far more easily coped with, at least in my opinion. I dont have an alcohol addiction, but then my therapist didnt provide me with alcohol and drugs in exchange for sex. All in all, Ive had a much easier time of it than Paul and yet he made one mistake and may pay the rest of his life for it. I am very fortunate and I am so glad to know him he has helped me more than I can say. I wish I could help him now. I don't like feeling helpless.

Im looking forward to a visit this week. The anticipation is intense. I smile whenever I think of it. Im not sure what the ultimate outcome will be, but I am sure I have a new friend in the universe even as others fall away. I think tomorrow I will rake some leaves.

~This has been an actual journal entry by mer~