absinthe

When I was 12 i started writing in a diary and didn't stop until I was 18 and out of high school. I tried to keep writing but it got harder and harder to keep up and I finally stopped. I recently realized that back then there was this sense of urgency, this feeling that i had to get my feelings and thoughts and every single detail in the narrative of my life down in writing to make me feel alive. Adolescence - living in this half-life that keeps dividing and dividing away from childhood until you there is a lead weight inside of you - aware of how the way you are living is not the way you want to live and never wanted to live. Somehow we get free of this and finally we are able to construct life how we wished it would be, but only if you can drag yourself away from your once home and your once life.
It troubled me that I stopped writing when therre was so much to write about, being on my own for the first time in my blue apartment, all the new things i was seeing and going and feeling. But i couldn't help it, the diary didn't feel like something I needed to do it was just something i had to do, a chore to narrate everything. Like being constantly behind the camera of one's own life. Now I see that it was the urgency that made the narrative possible and now that I'm free I don't feel the need to get it all out. I don't know if that's good or bad.
In sculpture class I'm making a box to house all my diaries in. It will have cherry cabinet doors that open with glas doorknob handles and it will hold everything i wrote then. I'm sure it will be big enough too. I'm exited that I'm finally constructing a home for my most valueble possesions and it's cool to get that feeling back of urgency that i now only get with photographs.