Have you ever woken up, taken a deep breath, stretched a little and stared at your ceiling for a moment only to come to the conclusion that you already feel the pressure of sadness on your chest?
I hate those mornings. I hate that I am having one now.
I'm not normally a sad person. I have had depression and anxiety problems my whole life but ended up finding ways to deal with them. I have my down days, yes, but I move on from them. Lately, it seems like I am fighting every morning to feel okay. I know this is probably partially due to the fact that I am pregnant and my hormones are on high alert. But, it is wearing. Every morning I wake up, feel sad, and I don't want to deal with it. I push through it and the day normally ends up okay, but damn, these mornings are hard.
I know that being a single and pregnant is hard and that I will feel these things like this but...I hate it. I hate feeling sad and lonely. I'd rather feel strong and happy.
The funny this is, after reading what I just wrote and thinking about it, that I can't help but remember the simple statement in Buddhism that, in a sense, says "Pain is a part of life but we cause ourselves suffering when we obsess over emotions, worry about the future and dwell in the past." I haven't meditated in a few days because I'm not sure I want to deal with reality right now but in doing so I am basically making it harder on myself. I know I am causing myself to suffer when I think about my ex or how much the past hurts. I'm good at that.
Reality is here, right now, whether I want to deal with it or not. I can veil it with as many distractions and emotions as I want but it is still here. Still glaringly obvious. I can hate that...but I have to accept it. I have to accept that I feel like shit and deal with that. I have to accept that I am lonely. I also have to accept that these emotions are how I am feeling now, and that living in the moment is accepting that they could change- for the better or worse. The sadness is here now, yes, but by accepting it as it is in the moment I can also accept that it wont always feel this way. And in that I can smile.
We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.
Pema Chdrn
I hate those mornings. I hate that I am having one now.
I'm not normally a sad person. I have had depression and anxiety problems my whole life but ended up finding ways to deal with them. I have my down days, yes, but I move on from them. Lately, it seems like I am fighting every morning to feel okay. I know this is probably partially due to the fact that I am pregnant and my hormones are on high alert. But, it is wearing. Every morning I wake up, feel sad, and I don't want to deal with it. I push through it and the day normally ends up okay, but damn, these mornings are hard.
I know that being a single and pregnant is hard and that I will feel these things like this but...I hate it. I hate feeling sad and lonely. I'd rather feel strong and happy.
The funny this is, after reading what I just wrote and thinking about it, that I can't help but remember the simple statement in Buddhism that, in a sense, says "Pain is a part of life but we cause ourselves suffering when we obsess over emotions, worry about the future and dwell in the past." I haven't meditated in a few days because I'm not sure I want to deal with reality right now but in doing so I am basically making it harder on myself. I know I am causing myself to suffer when I think about my ex or how much the past hurts. I'm good at that.
Reality is here, right now, whether I want to deal with it or not. I can veil it with as many distractions and emotions as I want but it is still here. Still glaringly obvious. I can hate that...but I have to accept it. I have to accept that I feel like shit and deal with that. I have to accept that I am lonely. I also have to accept that these emotions are how I am feeling now, and that living in the moment is accepting that they could change- for the better or worse. The sadness is here now, yes, but by accepting it as it is in the moment I can also accept that it wont always feel this way. And in that I can smile.
We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.
Pema Chdrn
abjabber:
Great quote, I think we all struggle in one way or another with that anxiety of the unknown future. Accepting what is and making room for all that could be is a perfect way to approach it. Thanks for sharing
ihsv1683:
we all worry too much about how we are going to survive in the future and what it has in store for us...... and forget to live in the present.