absconding_

I just got a phone call from my mom. 3 hours ago my dad had a heart attack and a stroke. He is laying in the hospital on life support.His eyes are open but he is unresponsive. He has a lot of saliva in his mouth but he can't swallow. I have been waiting for this phone call my whole life.Flashback 18 years ago, I learn my father had cancer from spraying agent orange in Nam. I am told he hill die soon. Years pass, he goes through countless surgeries, countless complications.I am told over and over again he will pass at any moment. I don't know my father that well.He left when I was 3 and moved to a different state. I would visit him every summer, never wanting to get to know him because if I get attached and he dies I will be hurt. Well, that plan did NOT
work.It's still hurts. He is laying on his death bed over a thousand miles away and all I feel is regret. Regret that I was to selfish to get to know him better. I have a complicated relationship with my father. It has only been recently that I have started to get to know him better.He is funny and crass, likes to drink a lot.Guess the apple does not fall far. I dont know what to do with myself now. My sister is driving from Minnesota to Nebraska to visit him. Find out more about whats going on. She is gonna call me later tonight with more news. So yet again, I am waiting by the phone for someone to call and tell me "he is going at any moment" I really dont know how to handle this. I wrote this because I needed to say something about to anyone willing to listen.I just need someone to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay.