Don't read if you don't want to read about my miserable life...
I don't want to read it again, so please don't take my spelling errors into account.
I don't want to read it again, so please don't take my spelling errors into account.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I tried to tell about this in a video, to keep it natural, but it's so natural that I keep crying and make it unintelligible. There are so few days that pass without my crying. So... May be it would be natural too if I translate a conversation I had with my best and may be only friend yesterday. As we were driving back home, I kept thinking how great it would be to accelerate and go straight in the trees and die. But I was scare it wouldn't work. I spoke about it after, by phone text messages.
- You know, I don't speak too often about this because I know you of course don't like this, but now I'm really scared to succeed. I failed two times, but now, when I'm more conscient of what I'm doing, I'm really scared. For the moment, I often happen to think, without being able to control it, of ways to kill myself without suffering too much. I'm really scared of myself. Every evening, every night, I'm so eager but so scared to not wake up anymore...I can't control those needs. I need to die, but would hate to. When I'm not in those ugly times, I know it is ridiculous. And the rest of the time, I'm scared. It leaves me so little time to feel great... Don't be angry with me for telling this, please, I can't control it but I need help... I can't go on anxious like that... And it's very difficult for me to speak about it (as it is difficult for me to speak about myself, you know it) so please don't tell me to shut up.
- I saw this, you know. But are you really still thinking about diying (I can't spell this...) so much now ? You seemed to feel great when we were at the seaside some days ago, for example.
- I'm always feeling like this on the evening. Of course when I'm laughing, I don't think about dieing... Even if I don't think I even feel well when I laugh. But as soon as I'm not concentrating on something, or whe I'm thinking of things that are not working as i would like in my life, I sink. I want to abandon everything, my life included.
- But when you have productive days like today, you should be motivated, aren't you ?
- No, because the goals I have aren't what I want my life to be like. But now I started, I have to finish, because I can't stop after the half. I know things won't change in the future, I know achieving these goals won't make me feel better.
- I understand what you mean... I'm seriously thinking of speaking about it to your parents, as you don't want to do it by yourself. May be I'll start with your father. Do you think he will understand? Please don't do bad things now. Calm down.
- And I know I should be more positive and things would go better... I know I should not be unhappy because I have everything I need and even more. I know lots of people would feel so great or better if they had my life... yet I'm unhappy. I know that's the kind of things I would say to someone else, But I can't do it myself. It sometimes looks like I don't even want to try. It looks like I want to feel bad, sometimes. As if my feelings and emotions were just the contrary of what they should be. I want to feel pain where others would love sweetness. That's why I think it's more physical than psychic. It may be my normal state to feel awful. May be there are pills that could help me. I'm so scared of psychiatrists... I don't think my father would react. You know how they are. They don't even think mental problems exist. I would like someone to come, take me into an hospital and keep me until I'm feeling ok.
- You know meds cannot work, sometimes, don't you ? I gave you the phone number of a psychiatrist, you did not phone her. I'm sure you would feel ok speaking to someone you don't know. Would you prefer me to speak about it to your mother ?
- I've got the number of this woman but I don't want to see her because I know she is not a real psychiatrist, because she has got anothr job. That' means she didn't like her previous job. I don't want to see someone I don't trust... I don't trust psychiatrist so much yet. I'm scared to be in front of someone I don't know and pay them while I'm not able to speak to them.
- I know that, you keep repeating it. But you have to try. We'll find someone else if you want.
- My parents won't understand anything and will hate me. I don't want them to know. They will just laugh at me telling it's not true, because I always hide from them when I feel bad. I want help but I don't want them to know. Yet I don't know how to do without them, I don't know how the health insurance system will work, as my dossier is under my father's name. And I can't pay the whole price...
- You should go at least once.
- I'm myself convince of being mad or abnormal. Or may be it's just what I want to be, I don't even know. Anyway, even if it was something I want, that would be a problem, because it's not normal to want to be mentally sick. I feel so lost. I've been needing help for so much time... Nobody ever forced me. And I know I won't change by myself. It has been about 8 years since I make myself suffer so much without any reason.
- We will find a solution, I promise. It's great to hear you tell you need help. I've been knowing you for more than 10 years now and it's the first time you tell it so sincerely. it's important. And they are your parents, they must help you.
- I told you yet, when it happened... Do you know that sometimes when I have a knife while cooking, or when you're in front of me, I want to stab you to death or strangle you... Don't worry, I won't do it, otherwise I wouldn't tell you. But I'm scared when I see, during some seconds, that I'm killing me. I'm scared I could even have such violent thoughts, without any reason, because you never did anything wrong. I just feel it would push me to be brave enough to kill myself just after.
- I'm sure you wouldn't do it. I'm worrying more for yourself than for myself.
- It's feels great that someone I trust knows so much about me... I spoke about parts of this with friends on the internet, but they just don't seem to think I'm serious.
- I understand them, it's difficult to understand, you know, if they don't see you in this state. I'm with you. Calm down now. I promise we will find a solution and you will feel better.
I tried to tell about this in a video, to keep it natural, but it's so natural that I keep crying and make it unintelligible. There are so few days that pass without my crying. So... May be it would be natural too if I translate a conversation I had with my best and may be only friend yesterday. As we were driving back home, I kept thinking how great it would be to accelerate and go straight in the trees and die. But I was scare it wouldn't work. I spoke about it after, by phone text messages.
- You know, I don't speak too often about this because I know you of course don't like this, but now I'm really scared to succeed. I failed two times, but now, when I'm more conscient of what I'm doing, I'm really scared. For the moment, I often happen to think, without being able to control it, of ways to kill myself without suffering too much. I'm really scared of myself. Every evening, every night, I'm so eager but so scared to not wake up anymore...I can't control those needs. I need to die, but would hate to. When I'm not in those ugly times, I know it is ridiculous. And the rest of the time, I'm scared. It leaves me so little time to feel great... Don't be angry with me for telling this, please, I can't control it but I need help... I can't go on anxious like that... And it's very difficult for me to speak about it (as it is difficult for me to speak about myself, you know it) so please don't tell me to shut up.
- I saw this, you know. But are you really still thinking about diying (I can't spell this...) so much now ? You seemed to feel great when we were at the seaside some days ago, for example.
- I'm always feeling like this on the evening. Of course when I'm laughing, I don't think about dieing... Even if I don't think I even feel well when I laugh. But as soon as I'm not concentrating on something, or whe I'm thinking of things that are not working as i would like in my life, I sink. I want to abandon everything, my life included.
- But when you have productive days like today, you should be motivated, aren't you ?
- No, because the goals I have aren't what I want my life to be like. But now I started, I have to finish, because I can't stop after the half. I know things won't change in the future, I know achieving these goals won't make me feel better.
- I understand what you mean... I'm seriously thinking of speaking about it to your parents, as you don't want to do it by yourself. May be I'll start with your father. Do you think he will understand? Please don't do bad things now. Calm down.
- And I know I should be more positive and things would go better... I know I should not be unhappy because I have everything I need and even more. I know lots of people would feel so great or better if they had my life... yet I'm unhappy. I know that's the kind of things I would say to someone else, But I can't do it myself. It sometimes looks like I don't even want to try. It looks like I want to feel bad, sometimes. As if my feelings and emotions were just the contrary of what they should be. I want to feel pain where others would love sweetness. That's why I think it's more physical than psychic. It may be my normal state to feel awful. May be there are pills that could help me. I'm so scared of psychiatrists... I don't think my father would react. You know how they are. They don't even think mental problems exist. I would like someone to come, take me into an hospital and keep me until I'm feeling ok.
- You know meds cannot work, sometimes, don't you ? I gave you the phone number of a psychiatrist, you did not phone her. I'm sure you would feel ok speaking to someone you don't know. Would you prefer me to speak about it to your mother ?
- I've got the number of this woman but I don't want to see her because I know she is not a real psychiatrist, because she has got anothr job. That' means she didn't like her previous job. I don't want to see someone I don't trust... I don't trust psychiatrist so much yet. I'm scared to be in front of someone I don't know and pay them while I'm not able to speak to them.
- I know that, you keep repeating it. But you have to try. We'll find someone else if you want.
- My parents won't understand anything and will hate me. I don't want them to know. They will just laugh at me telling it's not true, because I always hide from them when I feel bad. I want help but I don't want them to know. Yet I don't know how to do without them, I don't know how the health insurance system will work, as my dossier is under my father's name. And I can't pay the whole price...
- You should go at least once.
- I'm myself convince of being mad or abnormal. Or may be it's just what I want to be, I don't even know. Anyway, even if it was something I want, that would be a problem, because it's not normal to want to be mentally sick. I feel so lost. I've been needing help for so much time... Nobody ever forced me. And I know I won't change by myself. It has been about 8 years since I make myself suffer so much without any reason.
- We will find a solution, I promise. It's great to hear you tell you need help. I've been knowing you for more than 10 years now and it's the first time you tell it so sincerely. it's important. And they are your parents, they must help you.
- I told you yet, when it happened... Do you know that sometimes when I have a knife while cooking, or when you're in front of me, I want to stab you to death or strangle you... Don't worry, I won't do it, otherwise I wouldn't tell you. But I'm scared when I see, during some seconds, that I'm killing me. I'm scared I could even have such violent thoughts, without any reason, because you never did anything wrong. I just feel it would push me to be brave enough to kill myself just after.
- I'm sure you wouldn't do it. I'm worrying more for yourself than for myself.
- It's feels great that someone I trust knows so much about me... I spoke about parts of this with friends on the internet, but they just don't seem to think I'm serious.
- I understand them, it's difficult to understand, you know, if they don't see you in this state. I'm with you. Calm down now. I promise we will find a solution and you will feel better.
At least, this girl makes me smile and hope... I would love to be able to take care of her. But may be we would just destroy each other.
Please leave more love. It's one of my favourite sets of mine. If not my absolute favourite. I want it live. Really.
Disco Fever
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PS: yeah it's my favorite set of you too.