abashima

Do you enjoy movies that are dumb? Then may I recommend Jewel Thief, a heist movie that treats itself seriously just as it spirals into new frontiers of silly—in a bad way. Not a so-bad-it’s-good vibe, a how-was-this-movie-green-lit vibe.

Unrelated: there’s full Bollywood over the end credits.

Do you enjoy middling Irish folk horror filmed in Irish? Then may I recommend Fréwaka which is shot well with good cinematography and acting but the script is a bit thin to support a full length film and it’s not especially creepy or scary or intimidating or tense.

Do you enjoy creepy haunted house horror? Then may I recommend 825 Forest Road, which I watched with trepidation because the w/d also did Hell House LLC, which I didn’t find even slightly scary. This is quite better—I don’t think I’ve seen a haunted house story told this way and it works well.

Do you enjoy gimmick horror? Then may I recommend Azrael, whose gimmick is no dialogue at all. The premise is necessarily simple dimple: woman vs. cult set in a forest, with horror-level violence and also (well done) creepy The Descent-inspired monsters. One scene w/ them made me exclaim aloud.

Do you enjoy hyperviolent gun movies with surprisingly excellent action sequence direction and great cinematography? Then may I recommend Havoc, which believes guns don’t work unless the *entire* clip is used per target. That’s it, that’s the movie. Off brain, on popcorn, pew pew pew!

Do you enjoy thunderously boring sci-fi movies that make no sense even within their own universe? Then may I recommend Slingshot, which wastes two great actors on a trite and lazy script guided by a production team that take a big L.

Do you enjoy movies that have waaaay too long training/flashback montages—but make up for it with good action punctuated by, of all the things in the world, a *paraglider*? Then may I recommend Ad Vitum, which finally explains itself an Hour into it. Which, oof. But…French action paraglider, yo.

Do you enjoy movies that are shittily written and obviously produced by committee? Then may I recommend Kraven the Hunter which, ye gods. The lead does well with what he’s given…but that’s like extolling how this is a talkie and in color.

Do you enjoy thought experiments like “big budget action movie but make it luke warm”? Then may I recommend Back In Action—which is lightly peppered with a few good one-liners—but mostly McGuffins predictably from one expected scene to the next in an overall plot that’s a new level of unengaging.

Do you enjoy “movies” that are really TV episodes with a script that, honestly, borders on silly? Then may I recommend Section 31, which breaks my heart that Michelle Yeoh obviously worked so hard at but could not save this thing from itself. A weird simultaneous overdone yawn.