abashima

Do you enjoy thought experiments like “big budget action movie but make it luke warm”? Then may I recommend Back In Action—which is lightly peppered with a few good one-liners—but mostly McGuffins predictably from one expected scene to the next in an overall plot that’s a new level of unengaging.

Do you enjoy “movies” that are really TV episodes with a script that, honestly, borders on silly? Then may I recommend Section 31, which breaks my heart that Michelle Yeoh obviously worked so hard at but could not save this thing from itself. A weird simultaneous overdone yawn.

Do you enjoy films with a dramatic twist? Then may I recommend American Gothic, which I went into thinking it was ye olde typical hillbilly horror. Which it is—until it isn’t.

Do you enjoy masterful courtroom drama movies? Then may I recommend Anatomy of a Fall, a French film mostly in English that is a did-she-didn’t-she complete with twists and turns and there’s really no better example I can think of in the genre.

Also: best child actor I’ve ever seen, srsly.

Do you enjoy 1800s arctic cozy ghost story horror? Then may I recommend The Damned (2024), which sets things up scary and maybe uses two too many quiet-then-sudden-noise type cat scares, but otherwise does a good job of everything else, especially atmosphere and production, to be spooky.

Do you rarely if ever see musicals but enjoy musicals when they’re shockingly good? Then may I recommend Wicked, which—in a musical first for me—actually made me almost weepy eyed at the very end from just the Everything about All of It. The whole production is bewilderingly good.

If you like musicals, you’ve already seen it.

If you don’t like musicals—see this one anyway, and
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Do you enjoy perfect masterpieces of exquisite gothic horror? Then may I recommend Nosferatu (2024), a movie so beautifully shot that every scene is a postcard, so well acted that you may not realize humans could have that amount of control, and so well remade you’ll willingly succumb to darkness.

Do you enjoy “That’s not how this works—that’s not how any of this works” tech thrillers that aren’t? Then may I recommend a double feature of Subservience and Afraid, two movies that are so turbo charged unbelievable they blast right past silly faster you can unlock your phone with your face.

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Do you enjoy big budget Christmas enemies-to-acquaintances buddy action movies? Then may I recommend Red One, which is just what it says it is. It’s big, has excellent character design, great action sequences, a simple plot that doesn’t get in the way, and lots of Christmas magic mythology. A hoot!

Do you enjoy Liam Neeson action movies? Then may I recommend Non-Stop, an action movie starring Liam Neeson, as Liam Neeson doing action things. This time, Liam Neeson is on a plane. The movie is just what it says on the tin, with all the good and bad you expect and look forward to. Comfort movie!