abadseed

It comes over me in waves and beats me to a bloody pulp with each pass, rips out my guts and feeds them to the ravenous, slobbering dogs sitting patiently for their next treat. I'm trying damn hard not to mope, but it is extraordinarily fucking difficult. I can only move forward and onward and upward, but I wish that knowledge would pass into my body from my head so I could eat and stop feeling so violently ill. Yesterday I managd to keep down a peach. I haven't felt the desire to bathe, so it's been maybe 3 days for that. My boss thinks I have the flu, so I can't get out of my head by going to work. Alcohol just makes it worse. I've never done drugs, but if I could find a way to be numb, that would be better than the writhing convulsions which have become a part of my daily routine. I need $8000. Pay off this rent, go back to where I belong. Everything in it's place.
I can't imagine what the pain must be like when your other dies. When there is nothing you can do, they are gone forever. Nobody is dead in my situation, not even close. Just distance, which I created. And its not like everything is over and done. I just need to relax and focus on the positives, but mother fucker it is hard to do that. Mind over matter is nice to think about, but hard to practice. The one thing I know is that I can't show any of this to her. I can't make her feel guilty. Guilting someone back is not healthy.
Radiohead will help me. In Rainbows kept Tony alive, maybe it can do the same for me.