_sakura

I'm being mean to everyone today. I'm yearning for someone to scream at me, tear me to shreds. Only so I can scream back.

Stress balls don't work for me, I need to destroy something, but I can't bare to lose another relationship. Friends, boyfriends, relatives; I've fucked up every one.

This is where cutting used to help. Self-destruction calls my name. Since I can remember I've felt something I can only describe as a cancer building inside of me. It wilts my insides, shades of dirty greens, browns and blacks. I often check my body; I'm waiting for it to infect my skin. Waiting for the boils, waiting for my skin to peel off in big, moldy, infected chunks.

I want to take a baseball bat and smash up this whole house. I want the TV screen to explode from the force sending shards of glass deep into my skin. I want to sit and pick them out slowly. I want the blood from my sliced fingers to mingle with that of my wounds.

But most of all I want him, no, I need him to grab me. Slap me across the face and pull my hair. Scream at me for everything I ever did to him. Make me cry, make my chest hurt from the sobs. Then drag me into a room and use me. Fuck me; there is no better way to phrase it. Make it rough. Make it hurt.

Make me feel.