_margot_

Let's start my Senior year. I was in theater, I was directing a show, and acting in one. I was in a band, and I was getting my ass ready for college, be it community, and the job I was going to take. I was out all the time. I didn't have many friends, but I had people that I could pass the time with. I kept myself busy as hell, and in turn my head was pretty clear.

That summer I was busy, working, playing shows, meeting boys. Got a steady boyfriend, and was feeling like I had the world by the sack. He was a bit older, and that suited me fine. I never connected with my peers, so it was nice to have someone I could talk about New Wave and Punk with that didn't learn about it from some shitty nostalgia based TV show. Anyway, we split up and I went to school, worked and played shows...

By the time I was nineteen I was a hermit. Something just snapped. Mainly my feelings about my appearance. I put on some weight in a new relationship and stopped going to gatherings. I was working and playing my music, that was it.

Twenty-one and I was leaving the house once a month if I was lucky. Work, and gigs were it. I dated, but I dated hermits. I wanted someone who could keep me in, and not encourage me to go out.

I was engaged when I lived in Baltimore. There were relationships between twenty one and twenty three. Not worth discussing. But I met Brian, we dated and were engaged quickly. He was the ultimate in hermit. He hated people, like really hated them, and he made me hate them. He loved live music, but would never go to shows. I sold my bass and my drums, to buy a dining room table. I learned to cook, which now is a passion. In the three years I was with with him we went out ten times. Ten.

When we split I moved to FL..and well, I am not saying anything about that. That web shall remained untouched out of respect.

So here we are, I am back in NJ. I am trying to unlearn years of not being social. At first I let my fear of being ugly keep me in, I use that excuse still. It is not a real fear this time around. It really is just now, being in is a comfort zone.