so i thought i should update with what i've been upto.
- watching daria! this was my favourite show during high school. i love it!
- i got my left ear scalpeled. it went a bit more smoothly than the right one (the taper didnt fall out of my ear this time!) and so bled less. they seem to be healing fine so far but i know that it will be a while until they are fully healed. dodgerofjam and india came and watched me have it done which was really nice of them. the support was nice and i felt like it was a little bonding experience.
- i fractured my collar bone. i also have fucked up my acromioclavicular joint. i have to go back to the hospital for a week to have a check up. so i'm in constant pain. i cant move my right arm properly and when i try to it hurts more. and my hand and arm keep randomly going numb. we managed to figure out that my friend paul did it while we were play fighting on a night out. dodgerofjam is happy cause that means he didnt do it!
- despite the above i went bowling this evening with dodgerofjam, india, kit, electro, paul, danny and gary. it was a good night. hopefully i havent fucked my arm up any more than it all ready is. i also spent far too much money in the time crisis 3 arcade machine. i love it!
- i have been spending lots of time with dodgerofjam which is really nice
i wont say too much about it here because 'i like to keep my cards close to my chest' but it is going well and it makes me happy.
as the end of the year gets closer i find myself thinking about what kind of year i've had.
it's been a year of ups and downs that's for sure. but i do think that good things have come from all the 'downs'. and i'm in an 'up' bit right now.
this year has taken me to japan, australia and europe and it seems like all the time i was looking for something. i was never really sure exactly what i was looking for though. maybe more than one thing. answers. happiness. i'm still not sure really. i suppose i just wanted to be content.
i've found myself standing on mt coo-tha, looking down on to brisbane wondering how i could ever go home. sharing tearful goodbyes with one of the best friends i could ever have. laying on the ground in the middle of the night somewhere in rural france looking up at the stars wondering if i'll ever be really happy. sitting on a balcony in terschelling watching the sun setting over the sea wondering where everything went wrong.
i've learnt so much about myself this year. i also found out that i have some friends who are the most amazing people in the world.
i've just been reading over some emails that have helped me through this year.
"i just read both your emails. i think what you are doing is right. and great! these things are sent for us to learn from and you knowing yourself is one of the bigest achievemenst you can have in life! so many people are so unaware of themselves it's sickening!. realising what your relationship is about is one great thing too. now you know what you don't want in future and you won't get into a relationship with someone whos not going to make you happy again.... jeezz this is soo hard to say all the things i want to say to you! but i know in my heart that you are going to be just fine and your going to know all the things i would tell you anyway... you are going to be so ok it's not even funny. just don't take any shit!"
"but you know as well as i do things happen that are ment to happen. when your doing things for yourself like you and i do then we can't go wrong can we?"
this is the most important -
"it's been hard to see some of my friends unhappy, i wish i could give them the same things that make me happy, the same inspiration that i find in day to day things that make me want to be a better person and to be a happy person, but thats a journey we all have to find our own way to take, good luck people, i love you all and wish you nothing but love and happiness. the world is becoming a smaller and smaller place so lets stick together and be good to each other. until the next time x"
i'm not sure what the point of this was... i'm sleepy and rambling but it's true. you cant be happy unless you want to be happy. and these things dont come to you. you have to go out and get them. do what you need to make yourself happy. and that's what i'm doing. and what i have been doing for the past few months. i can;t believe how much my life has changed in the past year. and how much i have changed too. and it's all for the better.
so all in all there have been some bad times but the good times more than make up for them. i understand the term "felix culpa" now.
i'm so lucky to have gone to the places i have and to have seen the things i've seen. i'm also lucky to have such amazing people in my life. some i've known for years, some for months. but i love them all
i really should've saved this to the end of the year but at least it's out of the way now. i have high hopes for next year.
next week is pay day, knuckle tattoos and hopefully getting the amsterdam holiday booked. i'm also gonna get another tattoo on the palm of my hand, i'd like to fit that in sometime next week too.
this update was written while listening to elvis presley - moody blue album.
"you're like night and day and it's hard to say which one is you"
i thought i'd share my 2 favourite poems with you all. i'm not really into poetry but i love these 2. both are written by robert frost.
the road not taken
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
nothing gold can stay
"Natures first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay. "
this is from the first version of nothing gold..;
"In autumn she achieves / A still more golden blaze / But nothing golden stays"
stay gold
xxxx
- watching daria! this was my favourite show during high school. i love it!
- i got my left ear scalpeled. it went a bit more smoothly than the right one (the taper didnt fall out of my ear this time!) and so bled less. they seem to be healing fine so far but i know that it will be a while until they are fully healed. dodgerofjam and india came and watched me have it done which was really nice of them. the support was nice and i felt like it was a little bonding experience.
- i fractured my collar bone. i also have fucked up my acromioclavicular joint. i have to go back to the hospital for a week to have a check up. so i'm in constant pain. i cant move my right arm properly and when i try to it hurts more. and my hand and arm keep randomly going numb. we managed to figure out that my friend paul did it while we were play fighting on a night out. dodgerofjam is happy cause that means he didnt do it!
- despite the above i went bowling this evening with dodgerofjam, india, kit, electro, paul, danny and gary. it was a good night. hopefully i havent fucked my arm up any more than it all ready is. i also spent far too much money in the time crisis 3 arcade machine. i love it!
- i have been spending lots of time with dodgerofjam which is really nice
i wont say too much about it here because 'i like to keep my cards close to my chest' but it is going well and it makes me happy.
as the end of the year gets closer i find myself thinking about what kind of year i've had.
it's been a year of ups and downs that's for sure. but i do think that good things have come from all the 'downs'. and i'm in an 'up' bit right now.
this year has taken me to japan, australia and europe and it seems like all the time i was looking for something. i was never really sure exactly what i was looking for though. maybe more than one thing. answers. happiness. i'm still not sure really. i suppose i just wanted to be content.
i've found myself standing on mt coo-tha, looking down on to brisbane wondering how i could ever go home. sharing tearful goodbyes with one of the best friends i could ever have. laying on the ground in the middle of the night somewhere in rural france looking up at the stars wondering if i'll ever be really happy. sitting on a balcony in terschelling watching the sun setting over the sea wondering where everything went wrong.
i've learnt so much about myself this year. i also found out that i have some friends who are the most amazing people in the world.
i've just been reading over some emails that have helped me through this year.
"i just read both your emails. i think what you are doing is right. and great! these things are sent for us to learn from and you knowing yourself is one of the bigest achievemenst you can have in life! so many people are so unaware of themselves it's sickening!. realising what your relationship is about is one great thing too. now you know what you don't want in future and you won't get into a relationship with someone whos not going to make you happy again.... jeezz this is soo hard to say all the things i want to say to you! but i know in my heart that you are going to be just fine and your going to know all the things i would tell you anyway... you are going to be so ok it's not even funny. just don't take any shit!"
"but you know as well as i do things happen that are ment to happen. when your doing things for yourself like you and i do then we can't go wrong can we?"
this is the most important -
"it's been hard to see some of my friends unhappy, i wish i could give them the same things that make me happy, the same inspiration that i find in day to day things that make me want to be a better person and to be a happy person, but thats a journey we all have to find our own way to take, good luck people, i love you all and wish you nothing but love and happiness. the world is becoming a smaller and smaller place so lets stick together and be good to each other. until the next time x"
i'm not sure what the point of this was... i'm sleepy and rambling but it's true. you cant be happy unless you want to be happy. and these things dont come to you. you have to go out and get them. do what you need to make yourself happy. and that's what i'm doing. and what i have been doing for the past few months. i can;t believe how much my life has changed in the past year. and how much i have changed too. and it's all for the better.
so all in all there have been some bad times but the good times more than make up for them. i understand the term "felix culpa" now.
i'm so lucky to have gone to the places i have and to have seen the things i've seen. i'm also lucky to have such amazing people in my life. some i've known for years, some for months. but i love them all
i really should've saved this to the end of the year but at least it's out of the way now. i have high hopes for next year.
next week is pay day, knuckle tattoos and hopefully getting the amsterdam holiday booked. i'm also gonna get another tattoo on the palm of my hand, i'd like to fit that in sometime next week too.
this update was written while listening to elvis presley - moody blue album.
"you're like night and day and it's hard to say which one is you"
i thought i'd share my 2 favourite poems with you all. i'm not really into poetry but i love these 2. both are written by robert frost.
the road not taken
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
nothing gold can stay
"Natures first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay. "
this is from the first version of nothing gold..;
"In autumn she achieves / A still more golden blaze / But nothing golden stays"
stay gold
xxxx
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
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http://marriedtothesea.com/
It's always good to see people reflecting and realising what they want and need in their lives and where the things they have been through have led them.
I look at how happy you and Jamey make eachother and it still makes me all soppy and smiley. It feels like the last 4 years of a great friendship with him have had a constant under-current of fear and worry and tears at some point, and now, FINALLY, it feels like everything i said would happen is slowly happening, and it makes it SO much easier to live my life without the person who means SO MUCH to me being unhappy the vast majority of the time. It takes a massive weight off me, and means that i don't have to worry as much.
You've made things possible for him, and you were the person i have been telling him has existed all along, just someone who loves him EXACTLY the way he is.