_kate_

i rarely post blogs. and they usually aren't very personal. and usually are very random and mostly short. this is different. i posted it in my blog on myspace.

mommy's little sick girl. yeah that's pretty much me. this is gonna be fucked up and probably end up sounding like a suicide note or something retarded. believe me it's not. i'm a fucking coward and couldn't go through with it if i wanted to. so don't worry. if you were that is. haha. highly unlikely i'm sure.

i'm at the point right now where i have no one. i mean literally no one to turn to anymore. no one to trust. no one to talk to. no one to talk to me. no one to care. no one to care about. it's wearing me pretty damn thin. i hardly eat. either i don't sleep at all or i sleep for like 14 hours straight. i look a mess. i work too much. drink too much. cry too much.

i'm 2nd choice. never am i anyone's number one. i dunno if i ever actually have been anyone's number one. i'm easily forgotten. by anyone. outta sight outta mind. yeah that's me.

the reason this is titled mommy's little sick girl is because my mom was the last person i had. she didn't die or anything huge like that. but i just realized something. i'm second choice for her too. it's just me my mom and my little sister. we were all super super close. always doing stuff together and laughing and just having fun. now things are different and i'm lost.

it's so hard to type this bitch because i'm crying while i'm typing so my vision is blurred and my head fucked. sorry if it's a jumbled mess.

anyway i can't get into it in a blog and explain it clearly but i'll at least say this. she said and did something to me yesterday that made me realize that nothing i do or say or whatever will ever be enough. i'll never be good enough.not for her or anyone else. she was in the hospital for 4 days with acute asthmatic bronchitis. in normal people words she couldn't catch her breath. she was on oxygen and a heart monitor. and all this other crazy shit. i was there all four days. in between work shifts and taking care of things at home. i was there. she got home and i did all the work round the house and did everything for her. the only thing she could say is "have you heard from your sister?" "she's not home. i wish she was home" "i could have died why didn't she come to see me?" and while yeah all of that is fine and stuff. fucked up but you know fine for her to be thinking about and be worried about. but step into my shoes for a minute. i'm not asking for like the best daughter award or anything. i know i'm far from. but everything i said and did was so overlooked and taken for granted it made me feel like nothing. like i'm worthless. like the things i do don't really mean anything. not to her or to anyone.

it's in me. to be a fuck up. to never do anything right. to not say what i mean. to have so many regrets. not really about doing stuff but about NOT doing stuff. not saying things. not doing things. i feel like i'm wasting away and i'm wasting my days away. but i don't see the point in trying if now i know it'll never be good enough for anyone. there's no one to love me for me. even though i'm full of imperfections and sadness, hurt and loneliness, guilt and anger. i can't stop it and i can't fix it.

and i know i'll get messages and texts from people yelling at me for posting this and telling me that i should know that they'll always be there for me. bullshit. not one person has been. no thats a lie one person in this fucked up world has been there but thats another story entirely and if you knew that story you would know why there's more pain in that than happiness. but people online can tell you that all they want. who cares? i don't know you and you don't know me. people i thought were friends call me when they need something. never just to say hi or to see how i am. or to hang out. or anything "friends" do. i've been there when anyone has needed me. you'd think when you really needed them that they would return the favor yes? no. i've learned that the hard way.

i'll stop this now cuz it's long and my chest is going to explode any minute.