Ive been thinking a lot recently.
Before I go on my rant, I just want to say, I've been sober (from alcohol) since that night I fucked up, and regret. If you actually read this, and know what happened, I want someone to tell colchicine that I'm incredibly sorry. I don't expect her to forgive me, or talk to me again, but I want her to know that im sorry for what happened...
Now, let's move on!
I'm not perfect, nowhere close, but I am me. I've made mistakes and yeah, they have definitely changed the way I see things. I've also done a lot of good in my life (at least I think I have). I'm still young. I have so much more ahead of me.
Since I've been absent from SG I've done a few things, with my friends. Before I tell you these adventures I'm going to elaborate on the "friends" part.
Ever since I moved to where I live, almost like 13 years ago now, I've never really felt like I've had anyone. I've only really had 3 people. Caleb, my best friend, the one I would take a bullet for. The person who understands me. Yes, we are best friends, and he knows almost my whole life, I still can't talk to him at times. What I can do, is sit with him and cry my fucking brains out. Which helps, a lot actually.
Then there jacob, calebs brother. God, I love this guy, as if he were my own family. Caleb is family too, but he's not Jacob. Jacob smacks me around and puts my head on straight, until I do something stupid then he beats my ass, and points me in the right direction. I'd definitely be lost without these two guys...
Then there sam. He was my FIRST friend when I moved to lake elsinore. There's a bond between us that can't be broken. He too, is one of my best friends, family! I would do anything for him or his family. He's moved, so I don't see him (or talk to him that much) but I know he's there, when ever I need him.
So, back to my "friends" I thought I was just that guy, who they kept around because they felt bad, or because they just need someone to talk shit on. Seriously, I thought thats all i was. Until we decided to get super high. We dropped E then after we peaked, we smoked, a lot... for whatever reason, we all got really emotional, and really opened up to each other. They (when I say they, I mean like 4 people out of like 12) sat me down, and told me how much I mean to them. They told me they loved me, and that just being the emotional wreck that I am, taking all the bullshit they throw at me, means the world to them. They said I'm the emotional cushion. One by one they hugged me, said they loved me, and they couldn't imagine a world without me.
Oh god, that fucked me up... BIG TIME. I've never had anyone say things like that to me. I've never felt so fucking loved in my life. It opened my eyes. It's made me think. Why, why am I so hard on myself? Why do I think all these fucked up things about me? They told me themselves that everything I had in my head, was wrong. At that moment, I can truly say, I was happy.
As I'm sitting here writing this, I ask myself, "why am I writing this, no one on SG gives a rats ass." Then I have to remind myself, I've made some amazing friends here on SG. I've seriously been contemplating not repaying for my membership when the year is up, but that wouldn't do me any good.
I need you guys, I need the few people that I've grown to like so much. I need you guys just like I need caleb, Jacob or sam. You guys let me vent, let me cry let me be me... and I love that. To be honest, I love being able to reach out to people. If it's because I need someone to talk too, or someone needs to vent to me. I LOVE being here for people. If anyone EVER needs me, send me a message, please. I just want to help people, like people have helped me.
What was the point of this blog? No idea. I just needed to vent. I wanted to say how fucking thankful I am for you people.
I may not be 100% active again, but I will be around a little more.
Before I stop, I want to say thank you to a few people.
First, @ivylina you have helped me so much it's unbelievable. You're such an amazing woman! You've taken more than enough time to talk to me in your busy life! I can't thank you enough. You're such an amazing person. Thank you <3
@waitformetoturnblue you have been such a friend. I can't thank you enough. You're truly an amazing guy. I really hope I have the pleasure of meeting you one day.
@topaz_ you make me feel wanted. I know I should've texted you more, but I feel like I bother so I haven't, and I'm sorry about that. I just don't want to intrude. I know you're here for me when I need. I thank you for that.
@1akbrian you and I were getting pretty close there for a while, or at least I feel like we were. Until that night. Fuck I regret it. Although, I feel like you don't think any less of me. (I could be wrong idk) I'm sorry I've been distant as well. You've sent me snapchat and I haven't replied because i still feel bad. I want to change that, you're a good man and you helped me that night when you didn't have too.
@soraleia thank you for checking up on me. Low key, when you did I felt really good. You put a HUGE smile on my face the night you did check on me, so thank you!
If I missed anyone else, I'm sorry. My mind is still really cloudy, and im working on it.
So, all in all, I miss you guys, and if you read this while blog, thank you. I'm not really sure who will read this all, but if you do, thank you <3
