Dear Sidewalk People:
I know some folk have trouble with the idea that they are not, in fact, at the centre of the universe. Still, I'd like to invite you to consider the posibility that I didn't come to the club to entertain you. Some people did; I've developed a rather simple dichotomous key you might find useful.
Consider: Is the person in question standing on the stage, endeavouring to entertain you by dancing, piercing someone, playing music or being naked?
[YES] This person is likely here to entertain you. Feel free to make them the focus of your attention.
[NO] Consider: Is this person wearing an obvious sign, such as a sign, declaring them to be an exhibit and inviting strangers to bombard them with questions about their lifestyle, body, history, genitals, lovers and sex life?
.. [YES]It might be intended to be what the kids are mistakenly calling ironic. Then again, it might be serious, a cry for attention or even entertainment. You could make a reasonable case for asking such questions without being a total dick.
.. [NO]This person is likely not here to entertain you, and might appreciate it if you left her the hell alone.
At any rate, hopefully the key will lead to a general dearth of conversations like the following.
A short dialogue between Lesbian Jericho and the embodyment of a stereotype.
Bad Ice-Breaker: (walks up to complete strangers) Does anyone want to come back to our hotel room? Male or female, we don't mind. There's a spa, and an air conditioning vent.
Bad: No, we're only kidding. Yeah. So we normal people thought we'd come to your club! Pretty freaky in there.
What am I supposed to say to that? My options were, as far as I could tell, were "Yes" and also the slightly counter intuitive "No" I'll leave you to guess what I went with.
Bad: :leer: You have really nice breasts, can I touch them?
Your mouth is talking. You might want to see to that.
Bad: Are they real? How much did they cost?
See, now this is a game. This just became fun for me.
Bad: Why not?
Because I'm lying to you for my own satisfaction, berk.
Bad: "Because Money is Vulgar?" What does that mean?
Well, it means two things. Firstly, it means that money is vulgar. Secondly, it means I have the benifit a classical education, and with it comes an elitism isn't always so easy to quash.
Bad: So what's your name? Jericho, right?
I have no idea where you found that name, strange man, but you've saved me the trouble of thinking up something suitable.
Bad Question: Jericho. That's a really cool name. It sounds new. Is it new?
's a bit old, actually.
Bad Question: I've never heard it before.
Can't say I'm shocked.
Bad Question: Do you like boys? Or girls?
When you were younger. did you ever have a piada for your birthday?
Bad Question: But you're a girl. Girls are supposed to like boys.
See, because this conversation is a piada.
Bad Question: Girls? :pause: Are you sure?
No, see, it was a metaphor. It's not a real piada.
Bad Question: So, do you get to have sex with lots of beautiful women?
(This was, by far, my favourite question of the evening. The look on his face as, with as much drunken sincerity as I could muster, I explained that he was correct in his notion that my delicate frame was having incredibly frequent and unspeakably kinky sex with more beautiful women than he would ever meet* was genuinely priceless. Particularly the part with the unquestioning belief.)
At this point, the conversation became less entertaining. One of the three big men started to ask me charming vulgar questions about dicks, the sucking of dicks and other lovely things. My terror was lessened, slightly, when his friend made a rather pointed: "Stop being a dick-head". Also, at this point my own intimidating loud people noticed my distress, and clustered round me, helpfully.
As of this morning, I've proscibed liqour. It's a good thing; it has good reasons, none of which are alchoholism.
Last night, to really add weight to the planned never-again, absynth and I had a last hurrah. She's a damn sexy creature, that green fairy.
(i had to look up proscribed. i love when you use words i don't know.)